Tuesday 10 December 2013

Creaming, rape and the AIDS

never before has there been as much made of a sleezy one night stand. Pigtail whore is creaming the beaver over Paul because of the memory of their 1 nighter. Reading between the lines it went like this: Pigtail whore and Paul get pig drunk seperately at a match in Italy. their eyes meet over the crowd and the drunkenly stagger over to each other and inquire
about the availability of each others genitals. They get a hotel for the night where they have creepily loud boning. The next morning egg head Paul lampsthe half dead from the ride mess he'd a go on and decides to piss off without saying goodbye, or paying it seems as she had to check out. As good and all as the ride may have been, he left withiut a goodbye, withiut paying and with eggs fertilising away, bitch be having some SERIOUS daddy issues.

LAURA COULD HAVE THE AIDS. Poor bitch. One of the perks of being a tuna bumper is that AIDS isnt an issue usually. She was in the park with Callum and Ruth. For no reason. She doesn't know Callum, and she's hardly buds with a 3 year old, no matter how lesbionic a name Ruth is. So, she was in the park for no other reason than to be there to pick up an AIDS neede and have to get tested. Bit behind the times on Fair City. AIDS was the 80's. It's all about the SUPER AIDS now. And we'll have to wait for the 4 months to find out of she has it or not. I would actually have repect for Fair City if they had done this correctly - have soneone get the AIDS and deal with it and the repercussions. Maybe teach viewers that its the stigma of AIDS thats the problem these days not the HIV virus. Bu no, we'll get a lesbian worrying about it, propounding the myths and scaremongering people into thinking AIDS NEEDLES ARE EVERYWHERE. Which of course they are!....

And Yvonne got raped by yer man Joey 'the lips' Fagan from The Commitments

Wednesday 4 December 2013

Pigtails n ballsacks

Paul loves having love children. when his wifes not having one with Bella he's having one with randomers he bucked at a game during the heady days of Italia 90. I can just imagine the scene - a newly balding Paul Brennan in his Ireland jersey and tri colourr painted onhis face drunkenly doggy style boning a randomer in pigtails and a green cowboy hat, her inflatable hammer softly slapping him on the big bald egg head - that one for the spank bank alright...

This particular love child's mother is back with heart and vagina set on Paul. She's obsessed with pigtail plaits. As most women in their 30's are. Her name is now Pigtail Whore. i presume the pigtails are a crude attempt at some kind of imagry or bollox. shows shes a pure childsmind. She wants the ride off Paul again anyway. And Niamh has taken her head out of the fridge for a minute n is well onto pigtail whores game. And she has PROOF damnit! What proof?  WELL - pigtail whore answered Pauls phone and said 'Hi, Paul's phone, pigtail whore speaking' ah HERE Niamh, how is that an affair? Because if pigtail whore was bouncing round on your hubbies cock you REALLY think she'd take the time out to answer the phone?  Cop the fuck woman! Worst comes to worst he'll get her pregnant and you can adopt another child ya barren cunt.

poor Charlie has bunions :( I think its a cover for the herps. he looks like the herpies type. Ester is DEFFO a filthy bitch. Sure she got herself knocked up out of wedlock and all the filthy fornicator. Charlie didn't want Ester to know he had bunions because he thought she might think he's an old man. Ah Charlie ya poor bastard, she won't thi k your old bause of yiur bunions! It's your wrinky saggy ballsack that lets her know that I'm afraid. Mmmmm, another for the spank bank....

Friday 24 May 2013

Sound effects, kidnappings and eggs

Jo loves making noises. Fucking loves it. I shudder to think what she sounds like riding cause just walking around doing her normal business she squeaks, squeals and moans like she's auditioning for When Harry Met Sally. I presume in bed she sounds like Larvelle Jones from Police Academy.


20 seconds in is the sound she makes when Dermotsch comes, presumably on her back

That Charlotte learned the ways of the skank pretty early. She's pretty young to be using her vagina to gain affection? The way to a man's heart is through your vagina right? Nope - that's the way to he penis. Which she did get. Romantic way to lose your virginity - in your brothers robbery shed with a lad who you basically have to beg to ride ya. Poor bitch will learn. Wonder will they make her a hooker now or later. Cause you know it's on the cards.

The object of her affections, Paul's son Callum, couldn't give a fuck. Well, he could give a fuck, that's how she lost her v card in the robbery shed. But he doesn't like her. And I'd say he's only ripping he ever threw it in her now that her father is after him. Wonder did Paddy Bishop know that the same place he brought Callum for his little kidnapping was where his little girl sat on her first dick?

I have to say - the little kidnapping was a little bit terrifying. Poor Callum tied up, Paddy at his feet with a hammer and a chisel on his toes. Fucking freaked me out. Ughhhhhhh, hammering his toes off with a chisel, fucking horrific.

And lastly :

Does Niamh EVER smile? Cheer up cunthooks, and maybe eat a salad......

Will Caoimhe EVER find a hairbrush?

And doesn't Paul's head look EXACTLY like an egg?


Thursday 9 May 2013

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

Two of the worlds worst actors - Tommy and Blacky Connors Luke has a final showdown upstairs in The Station (a place which previously never had an upstairs, but conveniently found one for this fight)

All culminates in Tommy falling down the stairs. Luke, that HEARTLESS bastard just leaves him there to die.

EXTRA DRAMA - skip to a shot of the scene from the CCTV. OH THE DRAMATIC IRONY. Someone in FC must have recently been taking some English literature classes.


EVEN MORE DRAMA - FC usually starts with the into. Not this time! Oh NOT THIS TIME. UBER dramatic scene of Tommy Dillion still on the floor of The Station, this time not moving. All you can hear are almost silent pub sounds. Is he dead? Is he alive? Then we have to wait til almot halfway through the episode for him to be found - way to keep us guessing.

Not at all staged - this is real time action. Powerful stuff........


The bitter feud between Yvonne and Carol is getting HILARIOUS. Backstory - Yvonne and Louis ride and have a HORRIBLE relationship. They break up when Yvonne goes off to be a tuna bumper. Louis and Carol start riding, have a son, then nearly get married, but don't. Then Louis fucks off with his ex wife to America. In the meantime Yvonne, who HATED Louis the whole time they were together, is now bezzie mates with him, and is his representative in Carrigstown - i.e. minds his money/business. And remember that child Louis had with Carol - well that little scither gets maintenence from Louis. LOTS of it - €5000 for 6 months. (I swear I'm considering it..........) Except Yvonne had a few little money problems and used this money for herself. She covered this by making out to Carol that she was skimping on the money as Carol was spending it all on vodka and fags (which in fairness, she kinda was) Hilarious little rows came from this and escalated to all out war. Each woman trying to out do each other at any length.

It really shows Carol as a massive slutty hooker. She used to bone slimy solicitor Farrell. He was slimy then and he's even slimier now with his vile little smig. He is Louis', and in turn Yvonne's solicitor. In order to get information and dirt on Yvonne, Carol is letting Farrell get his slimy little smig near HER slimy little smig (as in her vagina in case you didn't get that) That's fairly fucking slutty. But it worked, her he vagina must be excellent because Farrell dumped Yvonne as a client and spilled all her secrets. Bitchy comments and hilarious pranks ensue........

OH - and Callum and Caoimhe boned in a car on Paul's garage. When caught by the Guards Caoimhe closed the car door and put it in again. Cause that's what people do...........


Tuesday 30 April 2013

Joe and Dermotsch are back doing the mattress mambo. They have decided to keep this secret but to engage in creepy sex talk. In order to pretend that they are still separated Jo is convincing people that Dermotsch is sick and sleeping on her couch (to explain why he is always there) Their sexy talk is about as erotic as vomit on shite. "you look so sexy in your pyjama's Dermotch!!" (ACTUAL WORDS FROM THE SCRIPT)

I find it borders on child abuse when they start using coded sex talk in front of their lil flute Ben. No kid his age is too thind to not get it. "I think we should go to the bedroom and strip" (ridiculously long pause) "the wallpaper"  He knows your boning - he's too polite or disgusted to call you on it.........

Also, getting PRETTY disgusted with their shifting. WHY does Jo have to make creepy aroused little shreeks everytime they shift? Again, as erotic as vomit on shite......

Paul Brennan has a new child. Callum is 18 years old and comes up outta the blue. That brings Paul's kids list to 4. 4 kids by 4 women. Niamh is taking this bad. And ya can't blame her. The poor barren bitch can't have one and he's lobbed out 4 without much effort. Callum is quite the little prick, I see only good things ahead. I presume there will be no clichéd 'troubled child' story lines involving drink and drugs? Oh, wait - he's already a lil holic......

Charlotte is one desperate little hussey. I feel sorry for this young one. Rachel is clearly the writers favourite and they hate Charlotte so they write her as a little cunt. Charlotte is DYING to ride Callum, and he's using her for shits n giggles. She invited him for a classy evening of choons and stolen champers in her brothers robbery den and got herself the shift. (SUCH a privileged childhood. I wish MY brothers were thieving little cunts so I could have had a hideaway to get fingered by youngfellas while being surrounded by stolen merchandise)

However great this sexy set up was, she was cruelly interrupted mid finger bang by one of her bros. Only for Callum to buckle under pressure or the brothers abuse and call her a psycho. And she's STILL wet for him. Fucking eejit. I miss her wigs - they were good craic 

Speaking of the Bishops - they fucking love walking with their hands in their pockets. Everywhere they go they have 2 hands in their cheap jackets. Feeling their willy's I presume

And finally it was lil Ruth's birthday party. This young one is 3 years old. Who do you invite to a 3 year olds party? Creche friends? Cousins? Neighbour kids?

No

You invite the strangest bunch of people to a 3 year olds party:

Ruth the birthday girl
Paul, her father
Niamh, Ruth's fake mother, as her real mother Yvonne gave her up after Paul got her preggers. Yvonne who is ALSO Rachel's mother's sister
Orla, Niamh's cousin
Callum, ANOTHER one of Paul's kids. 4 kids, 4 mothers. Classayyyyyyy
Ray, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend
Vivienne, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend's new girlfriend
Bella, her grandfather AND her sisters grandfather
Rachel in slutty shorts, Ruths sister cousint
Cass, Niamh's grandfather

Fucking Fair City, my head hurts...........

Monday 8 April 2013

:o

Since Louis left Carol has been out of work and looking for money from him. He missed some payments so she is right up Yvonne's hole looking for the money. She says that it is for Jack. Jack is beyond help. That is THE most red faced child I have ever seen. As soon as Carol gets money what does she do? Go on the piss with Orla. And who does she leave tomato face with? Bob. Nothing as creepy as leaving a child with a middle aged man.

Every so often Fair City teaches us a great moral lesson. This time it's 'don't judge a book by it's cover' Looking at Paddy Bishop, I would have thought was one to like it rough. He however let us know that Vivienne had a 'gentle touch'. Who would have thought? So there you have it, Vivienne is a soft lover. WE all needed this knowledge. Thank's Fair City :)

Why hasn't Niamh had liposuction with the winnings? She really should..........

Fair fucks to Sean for not forgiving Christie. Christie accused him of stealing from the shop and attacking him, even though that was Eddie. Sean begged Christie to forgive him but Christie wouldn't hear of it. Asshole. No amount of strategically placed facial hair is going to fix this.

Wayne has finally been caught out with the money he let Eddie steal from his mother. Of COURSE he had to bed Delores not to go to the Gardai - why? Because he recons that he wouldn't las tin jail - that he would die. Well the dramatic bollox. What you think you are just that sexy that you'll be raped to shreads? To be honest with ya Wayne, not if you were to bend over naked, pre-lubed and wearing a 'insert here' sign would you get any in prison..........

Have you ever hear of the Eifel Tower position?

Thursday 4 April 2013

Eddie, Colley and some head rape

Eddie is a creepy fucking slimeball. Curtains died in the early 00's but he didn't seem to hear about that. Apart from having horrific hair he spends the rest of his time sorting out 'investments'. No explanation - just 'investments'. And in the entire time he has been there only one investment came off in anyone's favour - Paul's random windfall.

He convinced poor gobshite Wanyne to rob some money from Delores. Wayne had no idea Delores had almost a million in the bank. Eddie managed to steal it. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong but SURELY internet banking is a little more difficult than stealing someone's laptop and clicking the transfer button? Well, not in Fair City - rob a laptop, clear the bank account.
Olly Murs Pete and Delores cheer Wayne up with an amazing performance of big fish, small fish, carsboard box

But Eddie's criminal ways caught up with him. Crazy Collie found out about the money he stole from Delores and wanted it for himself and Flynn. Again,the shocking disgrace that is the security of internet banking helped In this case they didn't even need bank information - they just clicked the transfer button and the internet automatically knew what shit was going down. After that Collie gave Eddie a right bating. He leathered him so hard that Eddie no longer had the ability to wear suits and had to hobble around Carrigstown in a hoody.

In the end Eddie admitted everything to his mother who then squealed on him to the Gardai. This resulted in 2 of the most hilarious near batings in Fair City history. The first is Eddie about to attack his mother for calling the Gardai. He physically went after her, with the gards there looking at him. THEN came Christies attempt at a slap - "YOU ATTACKED ME" swinging for him with big crazy Christie eyes wide open. Sadly his slap missed:(

Paul Brennan is now the SMUGGEST cunt in the world. He got money from 'the investment' and clearly bought some bollocky bastard pills. Every sentance has a snappy retort and an eyebrow raise. He'll get his comeuppance when that pious little gick of a child of his Rachel develops a heroin addiction/finds prostitution

Vivienne is stalking around after Paddy, trying to stop him getting work or a place to live. I actually LOVE Paddy Bishop. He'e fucking hilarious - constantly calling Vivienne and Charlotte 'his favourite girls' particularly finny since he used to bate the shite outta Viv. She loves the irony in that too you can tell.

Quick news:

Smokes the fags Carol can't afford nappies but has a hape of fags. Louis isn't sending her money for loads more fags the baby so she has enlisted the help of Bob and is swapping insults with Yvonne. Yvonne's natural state is prime cunt isn't it? That beure is never actually happy. The happiest she has actually been in years was when her mother died


Did Carol always sound like such a man?

Tommy and Judith broke up, this had made me realise Tommy LOVES twitching and nodding

And finally Orla's extentions are fucking horrific. She looks like her head was raped.

Sunday 24 March 2013

Yo.............

Tommy is gonna start bating Judith. He wanted her to bone his brother, in fact he fucking set the whole thing up, but he's acting the flute now. Imagine that, telling your wife to sit on your brother then not being able to think of her in the same way? Madness. And Tommy, you should really try and remember the fact that he's been quite the flanderer in his day. Anyway - batings for Judith. I obviously do not agree with domestic violence in most cases, but if you could bather her creepy bulgy fish eyes back into her eye sockets.........

Those two need to break up. When your defence is 'I chose you over him' and that him is a brother, well you're FAR too fucked up. Not to mention your son is growing more and more like Wilson from House by the fucking DAY - how has no one noticed this?

The Bishops father is back, kind of a surprise they left it this long to get him on. Favourite thing about the man is the fact he looks like someone bit his nose and it's been sewn back on. I think, for some crazy reason he wants to reunite with my aunt Marie Mary Harney Vivienne. I mean, of course, she's a sexy sexy sexy woman. I often wonder myself what whose strange blonde highlights might look like from behind...........
Viv, about the flick the bean, while looking at herself in a mirror. Sexy lady........


Wayne convinces Delores he needs 600 euro for a date. He didn't, but she believed him. That's a fucking prostitute Delores gave him money for. Wayne is that pathetic that his own MOTHER belives he needs prostitute money, and is willing to give it to him. Instead he just needed her to get online so that he and Eddie could steal money from her for an investment. And investment which is GUARANTEED to end up in shite.

Wayne really is fucking pathetic. Even his sisters managed to have exciting deaths - druggy Jessica overdosing at 3 years old and Wizard of Fucking Oz Loraine getting killed in a tornado, Wayne can't even manage that. Poster boy for patheticness

And WHERE the FUCK did Delores get a million euro from? She hasn't worked only voluntarily in years. I believe she had been running one of those home cam businesses. The ones where middle ages housewives have a cam in their house and they do the ironing with their tits out. Can just see her now - red pubes a flaming while she hoovers the apartment in the nip.


Sunday 17 February 2013

I truly love Fair City.......

Judith, a bit of advice, woman to bulgy eyed woman. You are aware you're being hate fucked by your brother in law? He is only throwing it in you in an attempt to piss off Tommy. It's like watching a 3some doing the Eiffel Tower - except they are giving each other the finger instead - furiously humping while mouthing across 'You're dead!' at each other. Just picture that - I see Gyppo Ray D'Arcy 'at the rear'.

Just out of view - Tommy giving Judith face while getting POUNDED by his brother.......

Doug and his friend Ama - Every so often we have to hear about the homeless in Dublin. Used to be Malachy fucking about in the shelter being the most pious bastard in the land, but now it's handome, handsome Doug saving the day. He found squatter Ama in the office and decided to help her out. Sorry for you Doug, but Ama wants Damian. (Also, ha ha squatting)

You can let her gope your 'buns' all ya want - she ain't gonna let ya bone her

Valentines day - well Dermot got left. Which was freaking hilarious. Ben had planted cards for him and Jo and through hilarious mishaps Dermotsche ended up thinking that his was from Meave ( Because she's been sending nothing but sex signals his way....) And he ended up making a right flute of himself in public trying the case. All hilarious. But MORE hilarious was how Ben managed to set up the whole thing. Problems here:
1. Where does a child get the money for cards - Cards are actually expensive and the little bastard got 2
2. WHAT special case eegit doesn't know the difference between a child writing and an adults? Especially their own child's writing?
3. WHAT space cadet adult would think OTHER adults would be into the whole secret Valentines shite

But the BEST part was watching Ben. He planted the cards then hung out near them, only to perform an evil, smug glare when the bait was taken. Creepy as ALL shit! (The part we didn't see what he also left out condoms, KY and a sticky copy of Gulp Fiction on the bedside locker)

CREEPY  little fucker.........

Has Damian's hair always been so, homosexual?





Sunday 27 January 2013

Update!

So Rachel got a grand total of two grand from pissy pants Rita and is litterly pimping about in a Pete Burnsesque fur coat and bling. Paul is gone off the head because she baught a €450 bag. Which is fair fucking enough. I enjoy that FC are trying to make this seem as though Paul is redic being pissed about about this.

A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BOUGHT A BAG WORTH €450!!!!! Fuck off - that's retarded as shite. You go egg head! Bate the shite outta her!!

But no. Stupid Rachel got to keep her (fucking disgusing BTW) bag. Why? Well, because Niamh understood her need for the bag "as a woman" and decided to convince Paul to let Rachel keep it. Bitch must have a magical vagina cause Paul was very against the idea, then suddenly, without real explanation apart from "That's between myself and your Dad" he had a change of heart. Niamh clearly traded vagina for the bag. Or possibly anal - it WAS an expensive bag.......


Rachel after her €2000 'windafall'........

Tommy is as self-righteous as all fuck over Judith getting the hole from gyppo Ray D'Arcy. Fair enough it's bad that she's boning his brother - that is seriously mank, but it was Tommy's fecking idea. He was the one who wanted Judith to fuck the unhappiness out of their marriage. Now he's just being a bollox. He seems to forget the fact that he's had his cock in quite a few beures in his day. And precious princess Neassa seems to be getting the hint that there is something wrong with her parents.

I can't stand this young one - well more I can't stand what they've done with her. Why does she have to be all good and fucking correct all the time? She came in as a husband riding hussy (She was the reason Susanne decided Damian made a great punching bag) and that was kinda cool. Then she got all "If this wheelchair's rockin' don't come-a knockin'" with Turlough and from then on turned into a pious sickener. Bring back slutty Neassa. She's also a REALLY big fan of leaving a room with a judgemental side pout and weird, pause'y/shoulder shrug'y back step. Do something interesting a sickener



Wednesday 23 January 2013

Yup - Fair City!

So poorpissy pants up in the nursing home finally kicked the bucket. Que the return of most of the Doyle Klan.
Nice family pic. And funerals are the perfect time to take a family portrait. 

Remember how Yvonne is a big baby making and giving up machine/cunt/bitch/duck face maker?
Well all that's because underneath it all she's actually the best person in the world. Who would have thought it? Little did we know while she was popping out childer and giving them away with one hand, she was also up in the nursing home being the best daughter in the world. Seriously? Fuck off. That beure couldn't give a fuck about anyone at any stage. The only thing she cared about up until now was getting the ride and owning a business. She didn't even give a shite about if it was a man or a woman she was getting the ride off. Not working for me this big change in character...

Then there is Louise Doyle. When she left wasn't she a Rachel style annoyance? All about saving shit and being all good and wholesome? Well this time she's back, scaldly eyed boyfriend in tow and all about labels and being a dolly bird. Why they bothered giving these lot brand new personalities is beyond me. And as for her gimpy boyfriend? I'm still weak over Yvonne's hilarious attempt to blackmail him. The set up was to get a compromising photo of him. So she asked him for the ride, and he took his top off. And she told him to close his eyes. And he DID. Seriously? Him just placidly sitting there waiting for the shift. That's the start of a sordid affair right there. Happy head on him sitting on the couch lips puckered.

And as for Darren. The FUCK is up with his chin/mouth set up? He got the ride from princess I-wear-nothing-but-my-favourite-cowboy-style-pink-shirt Neassa. For no plot line reason other that they could get the ride so they did. Which is fair enough in real life, but unless he's coming back what was the point? There was no big passionate storyline or anything. They went from strangers to a cheek kissing married couple over night. Yawn. Anyway, I think his chin is trying to eat the rest of his face. I don't know what's going on there it's gross.

Now. Judith and Tommy and Tommy's brother Luke. Tommy likes to fling the cock about, we know thi. He's  had a lot affairs. Judith the loving wife has let him away with affair after affair because, oh I don't fucking know, cause she "understood" him.

She has recently decided to ride his brother.

And Tommy is LETTING her.

In fact he set it all up for them. And Judith bless her has taken to philandering like a duck to water. Dirty, brother-in-law riding water as the case may be. Tommy has made the rule that Luke is not allowed in his home. He should REALLY be making the rule that Luke is not allowed in his wife's fucking vagina, but some people are different.......