Wardrobe challenges...........

Does Yvonne ever wear anything other than black? I get she's an evil character but for fuck sake lads.

After realising Dan threw it in Carol (it being his dick and Carol being the town bike) she decided to string him along for a while, then dumped him. She now has a dastardly plan to get back at the pair of them. So far her plan is to side eye Carol with a 'Go on, tell me the truth face' Poor Carol is the MOST guilty of fuckers ever. Hair pulling, coughing, ahem'ing. I have no idea how she doesn't just burst out with 'OK I BONED HIM, ARE YEH HAPPY'

Next step in the plan is to move in with Carol. Carol should know from this that Yvonne is clearly cooking something evil. Yvonne has had 2 kids and given both away, as ya fucking do. The woman hates children. Let's not forget that one of hers is living in Carrigstown and not a fuck does she give about her welfare. Not a sidewards glance, and she fricking LOVES them. So moving in with Carol and the not-seen-in-2-years Jack is uber suspicious. Also, where the fuck is Jack? Actually forgot for a while there that she HAD a child. She must have some savage creche that takes in boarders.

Carol's feeble excuse to put Yvonne off moving in is that she has to put Jack first. Who? Oh yeah, Jack....... This said with a fag hanging out her mouth. Mother on Carol! Next week she contemplates the importance of Montessori while shootin heroin.

Bella is an interfering old shite. Subtle as a brick asking Yvonne questions about Dan, basically telling her your not going to do much better. Yvonne let him know that Dan did the dirt on her. And his response? He didn't seem the type. Not seen him at your Adulterers Anonymous meetings Bella?

Jane loves getting random money all over the place. Her well dead husband was pure rich and she's just getting the money now. Last week all up in a heap over the money Paul screwed her out of. This week waiting on a windfall.

Getting done over by Paul and an unsuspecting Dermotschhh has let her to make Dermotschhh her newest nemisis. The plaited barmaid has remarkable pull in the accounting world. Dermot's business is fucked. Dermotshhh has a plan tough - he is using Callum as a double agent to change Jane's mind. Paul's disgusted, and warns Dermotschhhh and Jo that they have made a serious mistake, and that Jane will only get worse now!!!!- Dun dun duuuunnnnn. Jane is going to go mental cause Callum is being used? Except he's not really - they've already begger her not to keep up her vandetta. So she sould really be particularly surprised that they would ask someone close to her to have word? OH THOSE BASTARDS! .............. Not sure I see it.......

Doug and Alma may be the worst actors on the show. I know, that's like picking out the turd that made the smell, but I think they are. Just had to watch them having the most awkward theatre style conversation ever. Tip of the cap to Ama's WONDEROUS look around the street when Doug congratulated her on being a nurse again. They were all high inflection and ott reactions. A common trait in FC sending away people is that they can do whatever the fuck they want with them once they return i.e. change the actor to someone completely different, or in this case create a sexual tension/budding romance never mentioned before. Can't wait to see two of the most insignificant actors in the soap awkwardly act out a romance. And honestly WHY is Ama still there? She hasn't had a storyline in about a year!

Delores is walking her boyfriend into an affair with ex wife Morbeg Crowley. She's begging Pete to spend time with Morbeg Crowley. Cop ON will ya! Does Delores not know her life is shitty and nothing goes well?

Maybe she should have suggested a comedy gig? NOT ROBERT PLANT YOU CUNT

Doug finally decides that his estranged mother Morbeg Crowley (I'm really pushing that as a nickname, I know) deserves a second chance. Their first meeting went well, and Delores offers her apartment to them to have the lols n bants. What could possibly ruin this reunion? Morbeg Crowley bringing up some particularly tough part of the past? Morbeg Crowley acting like a mother when Doug is an independent man who don't need no Mam? Nope, Robert Plant tickets. Morbeg Crowley ( Ok, ok I'll stop.......) offers to bring him to the concert which is genuinely happening in Dublin - and Doug takes it BAAAD. Again, not fully sure I follow the anger in this

And in hilarious news, Cass is getting Charlie into couch surfing. Pensioners, taking in hippies who can't be fucked paying for as much as a hostel. Fucking couch surfing. Then makes him feel lousy for not doing it. Cass, ya brown pleather coat wearing gobshite.

 Brown

 Pleather

 Wearing

Gobshite........

Carrie on retardless

Pete and Delores are getting all happy and romantic. All talk of weddings and honeymoons in Paris. Too happy for Delores............ Remember, this is the woman with 2 dead daughters, a dead husband, an infertile son and has recently had to go back to work as her gobshite son lost all her money, life does not go well for Mrs I-bite-my-fist-when-worried/aroused.

AND.........

Pete's ex wife is oh so suspiciously back. Played by the one and only Carrie Crowley. Still the sexiest of the Morbegs. And where was she for the last 20 or whatever years? Only off being homeless, doing sordid things, losing her memory for a few years - living the life of Riley apparently. And the best part? All this took place up the road from her husband and kids. If only FC did montages - scenes of Pete changing nappies and dragging shopping bags and all that kinda shite mixed in with scenes of Carrie doing coke off a Morbegs tits and fellating Bosco (Bosco WAS a boy boys n girls!) Then her and and Zig and Zag doing a naked conga line behind Pete as he changes a tire in the rain.

Pete's exwife, Carrie Crowley. She looked different in the 90's

Paul is back to being the ultimate villain. For a while the OTT villain used to be Bob, but he got reduced to kindly restaurant owner. Niamh got what she wanted, i.e. Michael so he's having a go at Jane. AT her not ON her - he's just trying to get money outta her, not fanny. Using Dermot, in one of the most frustratingly stupid set ups. He pretended to sell her a house and then yawwwwnn......... I'm so fucking BORED. Dermot is in the middle, being threatened and blackmailed by Paul and Jane separately. Enter Dermots adoptochild trying to warn Jane off Dermot. Paul's already got a pile of money, he's just being a cunt now. Which I suppose is what a villain does. But does he HAVE to fucking growl. Listen to him - he is so into his own bullshit that he spits out his angriest lines as a growl. People in real life are forever like that. I hear Mountjoy sounds like a fucking zoo..........

In real life Paul is a successful entrepreneur. He makes giant ref's whistles that double as dildos - for the ref who doesn't have time for TWO separate products

Remember Yvonne? She found out her boyfriend cheated on her, so instead of confronting him, dumping him, or even talking to him, she just pissed off for a while. Dan hasn't heard from his girlfriend in weeks and isn't properly suspicious yet. Eventually get's a 'Everything is fine' text. No smilies, no nathing. HOW does he not know from this?! Fuck sake, read a Shemazing article Dan - never EVER think shit's ok when a woman says I'm fine. It's a rule or something. That OR the fact she pissed off randomly and hasn't rang you since. One of them is a sign.........

Oh Kerri-Fucking-Anne. Why is she still here? Her and Mondo I suppose are getting back together? Cause that's her function, being Mondo's girlfriend and having pigtails. And creaming the beaver over nail polish. Meanwhile Mondo is morphing into Decco, or Decco is morphing into Mondo. They're slowly turning into the same person..................

Stroke, coke and lead pipes

The 25th Anniversary episodes were honestly some of the best TV I have ever seen. For the usual Fair City reasons. The main story lines were Christy dying, Paul and Niamh splitting and Dan and Carol burning out a car to save Dan from the Guards. It was actually epic.

After an Eastenders' style ending the previous night, the episode opened on Niamh telling Paul that she's been sexin' Michael, is in love with him and is leaving Paul to move in with him across the road. (Cause Dublin has no other areas and commuting doesn't exist)

DELIGHTED this was referenced again

They had some inside rowing, then Paul decided to take this shit to the streets. With Niamh practically dragging off his leg he went screaming through the streets looking for Michael. Michael was over in his mammy's discussing the in's and out's of his home wrecking, so Paul returned to rowing with Niamh on the street.

Jibes about Niamh's barrenness were the highlight. That's it Paul, kick her right in the womb! (Metaphorically, not like a cunt punch or anything, although that would have really made the scene POP. )

Thankfully, Michael eventually turned up.

Then, like it was a fucking film, batings in the street with a lead pipe ensued. Best fight ever. With ninja quick reflexes Michael managed to dodge each and every one of baldy headed STREET FIGHTER Paul's shots. Rachel finally stopped the fighting when she THREW herself in front of the lead pipe (I'm over using the words head pipe, I'm just still so shocked they went with it......)

Wow, see Rachel put herself in danger to stop the fight? Possibly she didn't want to see her father in jail? Maybe she just hated fighting? Maybe it was the violence she abhorred? Nope, wet crotch Rachel only bothered about her horn for Michael. I hope she rides him at a later date.

Yvonne finally finishes the fight when she announces that Ruth is now safe in Michael and Niamh's flat, and that it's over Paul!!! Eh, I thought they were fighting over Niamh's ginge minge? Turns out Paul was on a quest to find his daughter as the residents tried to get her to a safe house. So he took the defeat and let Niamh run off with Micheal.

. 

Paul V Michael Screen shot. 

As a side note they treat Ruth like it's real life. The child is completely unaware that she's doing anything more than fecking about at random kitchen tables drawing shit. Niamh is the worst.That child is going to be so fucked.

Over with the Phelans, Christy is still PHELAN rough (GET IT!) Farrah's husband Max is now the caregiver. Doesn't even have lines, he just gets told to bring Christy for baths and wipe his mouth. Or stands there looking uncomfortable. Christy went straightfrom hating being cared for and hating losing his independence to being the most entitled stroke victim ever. Max just staring at him, look of hatred on his face while Christy calls for him,  Maa-ahh-aaaxxx, like a child. Well he got his chance to get one over on him. Christy suffered another stroke while sitting on the couch, tried to stand up, fell over, and from the looks of things died straight away. Max saw all this and still went to the pub. Such was his hatred for Christy he couldn't even help him. I know being a carer is hard work Max, but maybe don't let them die day 1?
The problem with this is that Max is such a non character, why bother giving him the story? Within the same episode they made him carer, a carer who hated his position and then, not so much a murderer but a huge prick at least. All the while barely any lines. I don't get it.

It's important to act fast with stroke. Please refrain from having a pint before dealing with a stroke victim. What's that? Premier League started? Eh, maybe ring FROM the pub? Leave the door on the latch or something. Be grand

So off he goes to the pub. In fairness to him he sat there shiftily. No one noticed of course, but he gave the whole 'I may have just killed my father in law look' at every chance. ( You KNOW the look, it's a classic)
Farrah is obsessed with pints. And a grandchild for her Da. Because "They're well set up" How so? Both just back in the country, neither even with jobs, her with a clear alcohol dependence and a father (who she doesn't realise is in fact dead) trying with difficulty to recover from a stroke. PERFECT TIMING! Would have been silly having that baby over in New Zealand when  you both had permanent jobs and no disabled parents.

And a warning to everyone in Carrigstown. DO NOT FALL OVER IN THAT HOUSE. This is the self same living room that Turlough died in, in that horrific table death that was totally believable.
You fall in that house, it's certain death.

PUNTASTIC ALERT- Robbie and Dan's hatred and rivalry upped a level with Robbie setting Dan up, filling his car with cocaine and calling the Guards. Unaware that Trampy Drew Carol was off helping to save the day, Robbie stopped off in The Station for a drink. When asked what he wanted, Robbie relied, with a smirk "Coke". And I shed a single tear.

Like I said, Carol came in her transit van full of shite to save the day. SUCH DRAMATIC SCENES. Dan has a car full of coke because of Robbie! Can't go to the Guards! What next!!! Burn out the car, run from the fucking explosion (I'm not even fucking joking, they Bruce Willis'ed ALL over that shit), hide out in Carol's shitty transit and Adrenaline fuck. of course!!!!!!!

During the car burning scenes adenaline junky Carol got all all lip licky and nipple twerky. Poor cunts must have needed a bucket of Ventolin all the heavy breathing they were at, even BEFORE the ride. Speaking of which, the Gardai were presumably taking the shell of the car away, and the grey transit rocking away with beside them.

Best part was no one ever explained that the Gardai would take the car away, I just presumed this. Post adrenaline fuck Dan looked out the window of the van and Carol asked was it fully burnt out, Dan replied yes and then, then we were shown this:

There actually is no need for words. They just let the world believe that the car was this burnt out. Not ABLE for Fair City. Not, able........

It's NOT about the shop lads!

Christy and the never make the fuckin decision family.

The hard truth of living with a stroke - poor Christy going through the 'I think people are decks, wikki wikki REMIX' phase. So, so sad :( :(

The fight over Christy is alive and well. And it's NOT about the shop OK! No, in no way is it about the shop like.........
Except it's totally about the shop. Farrah is leaving, she's staying, she's leaving, she's staying. All the while her husband is sent out of the room with promise of pints later while giving stank eye to Christy.
Sean finally decided to have a massive go at poor strokey Christy, but how long will that last? In a few years, when Ireland is ready, we will learn that these two were in fact bum chums all along and each row was punctuated with epic make up sodomy.

Niamh leaves Paul!!

Once again Fair City know how illicit lovers speak to each other - back to back. I know if I was in my local Spar speaking to the dude I was tippin on the side I'd stand weirdly back to back and have a 5 minute conversation. And I KNOW if I was to see a pair having this kind of conversation my first thought would be 'Ah, nothing to see there! Just people who know each other not talking to each other over there!' Cause that's more inconspicuous than just fucking talking to each other.
Niamh has finally decided to bite the bullet and leave eggy headed Paul. And oh yeah, take his kids with her. Yes, she has raised them and rightfully is their mother. However, her just taking the kids without presuming anyone was going to do the whole 'You're not the mother' thing coming up if laughable.
Micheal is more than delighted about his new role as baby daddy to 2 girls. He tells Niamh "I've got stuff in for Rachel" like what? What kind of 'stuff' do you buy in for a teenager? One Direction posters and tampons? Also more than a little creepy that Rachel has a horn for her new step Daddy. Nice that both her and her mother have something in common though! You know, the fact that they both fap over Michael :) Sharing is caring Niamh!

Fair City must be ragin at the price of all the new clothes they have to buy Niamh! She gets smaller by the episode. Flat out riding

Other news:

Carol loves to flick her hair and look at everyone's forehead during conversations

Wayne referred to his own child as it. Plus, it's name is fucking Junior. Peter Andre would be delighted







Don't worry Wayne - this is the exact same reaction everyone has when they have to see Orla's vagina

Everyone pretending they gave a flying fuck about dead Blacky Connors

AND Sean always looks like he just got out of bed.........( With Christy, shhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Having a stroke, and Christie's medical woes too

Lezzer in the new family. Lezzer, in the new family! Little did the mother know while giving her a lecture on protection that she wouldn't need it - tuna bumping is the least likely to get you pregnant. Pro tip

But, thankfully lezzer lite has a lesbian friend in Laura. Her mentor lezzer friend is passing on the golden dildo, with kind lesbian thoughts and anecdotes.With major 'I know your a fucking lesbian undertones'. Smiley lesbian fwend. My initial thoughts were 'Ugh, she's a confused lil lesbian, and Laura is being nice to her - OBVIOUSLY she's going to at least try and shift her, if not immediately try and feed the pony'. She, predictably went to shift her. And Laura acted like a little bitch about it. She should have fucking KNOWN. Now she's left poor newbie lesbian feeling like lesbian shite.

I'm not doctor, but Christie didn't have a stroke - it's the weight of his beard pulling down his face. If he took better care of himself his face wouldn't have slumped over like that. The tragic beardslide does seem to have caused irreperable damage and Christie is looking at a good while in hospital, unless he can get someone to take care of him. HURRAY! Sean is mad for Christie to stay with him. That will be great for the youngfellas sex life. Bringing home a girl and Slumpy McPisserson over in a bed in the corner waving for a nappy change. Sean doesn't seem to get much action in the first place so it might actually work out.

Poor Sean didn't realise how many wank socks he'd have to wash once Christie mastered left handed wanking and found pornhub.

There is a Louise and Decco and Michael triangle. EIFFEL TOWER ANYONE? That's not even the first time I've brought up the thoughts of a Fair City Eiffel Tower - I'm not obsessed I swear..........

The triangle is:
Louise went temporarily deaf, dumb, blind and had a MAJOR dose of anosmia in order to get the horn for Decco.
Then she let Michael in her. Although Michael is still obsessed with Niamh, so it was less of a ride and more of Louise getting in the firing line of one of his cry wanks.
And back she goes to Decco. Cause the allure of a minging criminal tramp is too strong ladies, am I right!?

Jo's pissiness is taking a turn for the horrific. She's always been a miserable cunt, but she's gone mad acting the cunt now. Dermotsch is most likely starting to presume affair over her cuntishness and secretive ways. Fun facts about Dermostch - he sits there actually pouting when he's pissy. As in selfie, teenage girl pouting Also, even though he is shaven he looks like he might be hiding a magician's tash. He should let that shit grow!

Short update

I haven't seen my beloved Fair City in ages. Finally got an episode, only to see a brand spanking new family have moved in. Niamh's little fuck buddy's family decided to move the whole lot of them to the town where he moved to. That's cool like. I'm guessing they want to live there because clearly he's done particularly well for himself. 'WOW! He has a job in a random little part of Dublin? Let's move there to be closer to his rising star' The father looks like a creepy, hairy Ray D'Arcy, and WHAT is with the young ones Princess Leia buns?!

He's still riding away on Niamh. Good on old fire crotch. She looks really well. I find it incredibly weird that he told his auld lady that he was ridin' a married woman. What self respecting youngfella tells his mother anything about his penis' activities? The mother's worked out who he's buckin, MAN I hope slaps get thrown.

And riding in the back of his Dad's car? Lovely. "Here Dad, have the keys back - sorry about the smell of ginger muff, I left the window down driving past Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh and you know how that smell get's in" Might work like............

By the fucking way - the writers are OBSESSED WITH THE NEW FAMILY. 90% of this episode was about them. Get yer moneys worth outta them straight away!

I am genuinely ragin I missed the wedding/birth episodes. But little baby Junior is here. Have ya ever heard such a nacks name? It's sick.

Weekend at Bernie's III

It's confirmed, Judith = amazing vagina. There is no other explanation. Bob has moved in with her straight away and Tommy's gone nuts now that he's no longer tappin dat.

And fuck has Tommy gone nuts. The whole hog nuts. CCTV to watch what Judith is doing, the lot. Him sleeping in the weird little attic place and watching her while eating sandwiches is my favourite. And the CCTV makes me think. It's all good and well this CCTV on TV but in real life? Think of the stuff you do when no one is watching? I imagine Judith lift her leg to fart then shake it out while Tommy watches and cry wanks. Eating ham sandwiches from his other hand.

Mr Christmas ride is officially working for Paul while working ON Niamh's vagina (I say I made that work, piss off) They are excellent at not being discrete. Especially on the street. Niamh may as well be auditioning for CSI fucking Miami with her after chat street checks. Maybe I'm being mean? I mean when I'M meeting my illicit lovers I like to chat to them while nervously looking around and stopping the conversation when people come near. It's the perfect way to be discrete right? Looking around and erotic looks, the only way to go.

On a better note tho! She's lost a pile of weight. And I'd say that has been mentioned by EVERY IRISH MAMMY IN THE COUNTRY. Just ask your mother to watch FC with ya. Guaranteed she'll say it. If not Surf will give you your money back. ( MAN I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF THAT! Remember Niamh in the Surf ad??!?!?! No? Just me......... Oh..........) Anyway, if riding youngfellas is the way to loose weight I think Imma have to try that.............

Ben is adopted. Or they bought him or something? Can't remember but the woman who is now Dermot's sister in law is his real mother (cause THAT'S not awkward)

The real mother wrote a letter about wanting to see him and Ben and his little fostered playmate and future fuck bud founf it and read it. He's taking it fucking well. Him and the young one having an adult conversation about it in the Hungry Pig. Considering the pro's and con's and that. Having a considered conversation and weighing up his choices before going back to the parents. Fuck the actual fuck off. He's a kid. He'd have freaked out reading he was adopted from a fucking letter!


AND it's that time of year again - the annual Fair City question "When are they going to kill so and so off". Have you noticed how fucking OFTEN people die in real life and FC don't bother to kill them off for months? Most memorable were Hannah who was dead possibly years, and my personal favourite Eunis - fucking about in the Bahamas ala Weekend at Bernies (Yeah, I reused a joke, but it's a fucking KNEE SLAPPER)

And finally - Delores' new haircut looks like this:

NOTHING worse than texting in the dark

Bob and Judith are now living together. They have been going out about 5 minutes. And Tommy is going crazy now that he knows he's not getting her back. These two things lead me to the conclusion she has a golden vagina. Clearly Dr. Dillon has been doing her kegles. Tommy's descent into madness is centred around creepily texting and ringing her from a dark room.

Two weeks ago Orla found out she was pregnant. That she was 5 months pregnant. One of those 'I didn't know I was pregnant' ones where she had no symptoms, or bump nathin. Except as soon as she found out she became the most pregnant of pregnant women ever. HUGE bump, fully waddling and complaining about the pain of kicking. What did she think the kicking was before? A particularly active shite? LITTLE bit complicated in the fact that Wayne is not the father, poor Wayne is shooting blanks. Unlike Tommy Dillon who is the actually baby daddy. But he's too busy texting and wanking in the dark room to notice.

Mondo's girlfriend is about 50. You can trowel on as much makeup as you want, but she is. And Mondo has fucked off but they have decided to keep her in it. She is the most vapid tool I have come across in a long time on FC, which is saying a LOT, so I have no idea why they decided to keep her. And they have made her mates with Ama, another fucking waste of time. Ama is worse than Kerri-Anne. All she does is meet people in the street, and give heavily accented advice. Nothing else. Oh, and talk about being a nurse. Hopefully the pair of them will start lezzin out and make it a bit more interesting.

Niamh's one night stand working for Paul. The infamous youngfella of the Lighting her up like a Christmas Tree fame has decided to pack in his high flying job in the hospitality industry for the bright lights of Paul's garage.


Clutching
At
Straws
For Storylines.....

I LEARNED MEMES!! Fairly fucking obviously........

Gwan Niamh ya dirty slapper. One night out and straight on the cock. Pity ya wouldn't. All she's had to bone in years is egg head Paul, and he's had a pile of affairs. And the hilarious part is that Paul never even rode Jane this time. The boy who cried whore or something. You can't blame Niamh for thinking he did. His track record shows that he has dropped the sausage in quite a few holes.

TAKE NOTICE JOB SEEKERS. The job of the century in the charity shop. I mean it has to be - Jo and AIDSy Laura are baitin each other over it. It's a war of wills with Laura on one side with her manly ways and lesbian hand actions, and Jo with her hilarious habits and squeaky angry voice on the other. Laura man hands is the angriest charity giver ever. Bull thick and determined to be the Donald Trump of charity work. She's consumed with it being THE BEST FUCKING CHARITY SHOP IN THE WORLD. So much so that she's buying stock in. Using money from the till and buying stock in. Doesn't that just make it a shop........

Tonight's episode saw a 'let's be friends' meal with the two charity shop warriors, and in fairness there was a good bit of war between the two cunts. It was to be expected. Strangely enough the centrepiece of the fucking scene was Esther's pavlova. A couple of camera angles, a few mentions and the centre of the table. I also now know that pavlova involves meringue. DAMN, they were proud of the fucking pavlova. Fucking delighted with it. And it the most skittery lump of a yolk.

Tommy and Jane are enjoying a rideationship of convenience. I doubt they like each other very much, but no ones riding them so they might as well ride each other. It's not even a hate fuck. It's more of a 'I have genitals, you have genitals' kinda of a set up. They sit around in the McCoys or the Station looking bored, and clearly thinking 'Is it too early to go home for the ride now? Ah, let's pretend I find this fun. Fuck sake can we go ride now?'

SPEAKING OF HATE FUCKS. Bob is a cunning little lothario. He's mad to get in  Judith but regular methods are failing. So, he's going to get his way through forcing her into a hate fuck. A risky little game, but I think the salt n pepper seducer is well up for it.

Old times, rapey love and schrawmy eyes

Fair City is shite these days. And not shite in the normal way, shite acting and story lines cumulating in hilarity. It's shite. No crazy storyline going on, nathin.

I miss the good old days when people got penis cancer all the time. When Floyd was riding his sister. When they visited pissy pants Rita in the nursing home - an actor so bad, that even in Fair City she was banned from speaking, confined to nodding in her PJ's and pissin her knickers in the home. A time when Leo was married to that daft Russian cunt Lana and when Rachel still tried throwing in a fake skanger accent.

Fair City is meant to be about the daftness, and it's just not there at the moment. Bring back the shite I say!!

What IS happeining is:

Yvonne and Carol are best mates cause Yvonne got raped. That's it like. Yvonne is taking being raped very badly - it's almost being well done. Almost. Not quite. You know what's NOT a good thing to do to someone who's all jumpy and shit after being raped? Get yourself a key to their house and let yourself in unannounced. No one would do that, right? Except Carol. For some reason Yvonne's sworn enemy has a key to the apartment and lets herself in unannounced all the time.

By the looks of things Yvonne is gonna start boning Carol's ex Dan. Ugh, I can see it now. All her being raped issues are just going to dissolve because of the love of a good man. Fuck sake did she FORGET she was a fish eater anyway?

Wayne and Orla are fighting over the fact she's his boss. Fuck off the pair of ye - your only lucky anyone wants to ride either if ye anyway. And maybe wrap up, use the pill, a coil and the patch cause the thought of offspring like Wayne would make ya gag. VOM.COM

Kerri Anne, Mondo's girlfriend is possibly the closest we have to the usual Fair City absurdity. Not even just because it's a 50 year old woman made up to look like a girl in her 20's. Mainly because she's the full tilt of gobshite. Not a normal person. She's having a full mental break down because Mondo is gone to visit his daughter. Full. Mental. Breakdown. YET, still has the time to go and do then monstrosity of a hair and trowel on the makeup?

Rachel is getting bullied. I for one am only DELIGHTED. In real life bullying is terrible. Down with that sort of thing. Bullying in Fair City of that jumped up little tramp is beautiful. He's annoys my flange. Raising your eyebrows and looking worried as you speak is NOT acting. That's all she does. Fucking eyebrow furrower of the year. Long may she be bullied - might knock some of the Billy Barry kid out out her!

NEW CHARACTER ALERT. The ferocious, evil, badminded...........

Goo Eyes

Yeah, fucking GOOEYES. Where does a criminal even GET a name like that? Conjunctivitis? Running round doing armed robberies with sawn off shotguns and schrawmy eyes?

Fuck goblin

I KNEW no one would want to bone Paul Brennan that much! Turns out Callum's mother only wanted money. Well, she wants money and has also had the WORST reaction to a one night stand in the world. I know, some of you might say the worst reaction to a one nighter is pregnancy, and it is, but she had THAT bad reaction and is UBER bitter with Paul. She has taken GREAT offence to the fact that he was NOT in love with her after a drunken bang! How VERY dare he! HE MUST PAY FOR NOT LOVING HER.

Also, World's Worst Mother award for her. Blackmailing is all fine and well but she's made her son think she's dying from cancer. Her son who recently enough lost his stepfather. To cancer. And how many fucks does she give? Not very many. Actually, she gives precisely no fucks. The last fuck she did give was probably the one she gave to egg head Paul that got her up the duff with poor Callum. Ah jibes, she gave a PILE of fucks to Tommy, and I have a feeling this little fuck goblin* is not shy of cock........

Jane is pretending to be riddled with cancer which can only be cured in Germany. She needs 40,000 for this treatment, and she needs it now cause she's going tomorrow. She even told Paul her plan. But she'll be back in a few weeks after the treatment has been successful. Good luck with that one Paul. It's totally going to be the end of that. Crazy lady is going to come back and thank you for playing her blackmail game, she had a great holiday and life is good.

So Charlie's horrifically ginger grandson is back, and as my petition to get all gingers sterilised has not worked its magic, he has come back with a child. The poor unfortunate blind (I presume) girl he cajoled into the ride not only hid her pregnancy from her parents, but hid the child from them too. Usually I would express my shock at Fair City making up as ridiculous storyline as this. But I say yeah, fair enough. Look at him. I'd have disowned the child too.

Esther is only creaming the beaver over the child too. In fairness she's not used to babies with all their limbs correct and attached, so I suppose you can forgive her for wanting TJ and the sprog to stay.

As it turns out it's not that simple. TJ's girlfriend was terrified to tell her family she was up the duff. So much so that she hid her entire pregnancy and birth, then gave the child to the father to be raised gingerly while she goes about her business. Then out of the blue she phones to let TJ know she told her family, they accept her fully, they want TJ and the baby there and they have him a job. Eh, yup. About right. Cause that's how life turns out. They better be back baby in tow fairly sharpish or this may just qualify as Fair City's biggest non story to date........

Mondo's girlfriend is all levels of fucking flute. That's it like, she's a flute. From her flutey hair to her flutey voice and the fact that she has NO personality past being a flute. She's a flute like.

*All rights to Fuck Goblin are given to a Sligo cunt............