Joe and Dermotsch are back doing the mattress mambo. They have decided to keep this secret but to engage in creepy sex talk. In order to pretend that they are still separated Jo is convincing people that Dermotsch is sick and sleeping on her couch (to explain why he is always there) Their sexy talk is about as erotic as vomit on shite. "you look so sexy in your pyjama's Dermotch!!" (ACTUAL WORDS FROM THE SCRIPT)

I find it borders on child abuse when they start using coded sex talk in front of their lil flute Ben. No kid his age is too thind to not get it. "I think we should go to the bedroom and strip" (ridiculously long pause) "the wallpaper"  He knows your boning - he's too polite or disgusted to call you on it.........

Also, getting PRETTY disgusted with their shifting. WHY does Jo have to make creepy aroused little shreeks everytime they shift? Again, as erotic as vomit on shite......

Paul Brennan has a new child. Callum is 18 years old and comes up outta the blue. That brings Paul's kids list to 4. 4 kids by 4 women. Niamh is taking this bad. And ya can't blame her. The poor barren bitch can't have one and he's lobbed out 4 without much effort. Callum is quite the little prick, I see only good things ahead. I presume there will be no clichéd 'troubled child' story lines involving drink and drugs? Oh, wait - he's already a lil holic......

Charlotte is one desperate little hussey. I feel sorry for this young one. Rachel is clearly the writers favourite and they hate Charlotte so they write her as a little cunt. Charlotte is DYING to ride Callum, and he's using her for shits n giggles. She invited him for a classy evening of choons and stolen champers in her brothers robbery den and got herself the shift. (SUCH a privileged childhood. I wish MY brothers were thieving little cunts so I could have had a hideaway to get fingered by youngfellas while being surrounded by stolen merchandise)

However great this sexy set up was, she was cruelly interrupted mid finger bang by one of her bros. Only for Callum to buckle under pressure or the brothers abuse and call her a psycho. And she's STILL wet for him. Fucking eejit. I miss her wigs - they were good craic 

Speaking of the Bishops - they fucking love walking with their hands in their pockets. Everywhere they go they have 2 hands in their cheap jackets. Feeling their willy's I presume

And finally it was lil Ruth's birthday party. This young one is 3 years old. Who do you invite to a 3 year olds party? Creche friends? Cousins? Neighbour kids?

No

You invite the strangest bunch of people to a 3 year olds party:

Ruth the birthday girl
Paul, her father
Niamh, Ruth's fake mother, as her real mother Yvonne gave her up after Paul got her preggers. Yvonne who is ALSO Rachel's mother's sister
Orla, Niamh's cousin
Callum, ANOTHER one of Paul's kids. 4 kids, 4 mothers. Classayyyyyyy
Ray, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend
Vivienne, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend's new girlfriend
Bella, her grandfather AND her sisters grandfather
Rachel in slutty shorts, Ruths sister cousint
Cass, Niamh's grandfather

Fucking Fair City, my head hurts...........

:o

Since Louis left Carol has been out of work and looking for money from him. He missed some payments so she is right up Yvonne's hole looking for the money. She says that it is for Jack. Jack is beyond help. That is THE most red faced child I have ever seen. As soon as Carol gets money what does she do? Go on the piss with Orla. And who does she leave tomato face with? Bob. Nothing as creepy as leaving a child with a middle aged man.

Every so often Fair City teaches us a great moral lesson. This time it's 'don't judge a book by it's cover' Looking at Paddy Bishop, I would have thought was one to like it rough. He however let us know that Vivienne had a 'gentle touch'. Who would have thought? So there you have it, Vivienne is a soft lover. WE all needed this knowledge. Thank's Fair City :)

Why hasn't Niamh had liposuction with the winnings? She really should..........

Fair fucks to Sean for not forgiving Christie. Christie accused him of stealing from the shop and attacking him, even though that was Eddie. Sean begged Christie to forgive him but Christie wouldn't hear of it. Asshole. No amount of strategically placed facial hair is going to fix this.

Wayne has finally been caught out with the money he let Eddie steal from his mother. Of COURSE he had to bed Delores not to go to the Gardai - why? Because he recons that he wouldn't las tin jail - that he would die. Well the dramatic bollox. What you think you are just that sexy that you'll be raped to shreads? To be honest with ya Wayne, not if you were to bend over naked, pre-lubed and wearing a 'insert here' sign would you get any in prison..........

Have you ever hear of the Eifel Tower position?

Eddie, Colley and some head rape

Eddie is a creepy fucking slimeball. Curtains died in the early 00's but he didn't seem to hear about that. Apart from having horrific hair he spends the rest of his time sorting out 'investments'. No explanation - just 'investments'. And in the entire time he has been there only one investment came off in anyone's favour - Paul's random windfall.

He convinced poor gobshite Wanyne to rob some money from Delores. Wayne had no idea Delores had almost a million in the bank. Eddie managed to steal it. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong but SURELY internet banking is a little more difficult than stealing someone's laptop and clicking the transfer button? Well, not in Fair City - rob a laptop, clear the bank account.

Olly Murs Pete and Delores cheer Wayne up with an amazing performance of big fish, small fish, carsboard box

But Eddie's criminal ways caught up with him. Crazy Collie found out about the money he stole from Delores and wanted it for himself and Flynn. Again,the shocking disgrace that is the security of internet banking helped In this case they didn't even need bank information - they just clicked the transfer button and the internet automatically knew what shit was going down. After that Collie gave Eddie a right bating. He leathered him so hard that Eddie no longer had the ability to wear suits and had to hobble around Carrigstown in a hoody.

In the end Eddie admitted everything to his mother who then squealed on him to the Gardai. This resulted in 2 of the most hilarious near batings in Fair City history. The first is Eddie about to attack his mother for calling the Gardai. He physically went after her, with the gards there looking at him. THEN came Christies attempt at a slap - "YOU ATTACKED ME" swinging for him with big crazy Christie eyes wide open. Sadly his slap missed:(

Paul Brennan is now the SMUGGEST cunt in the world. He got money from 'the investment' and clearly bought some bollocky bastard pills. Every sentance has a snappy retort and an eyebrow raise. He'll get his comeuppance when that pious little gick of a child of his Rachel develops a heroin addiction/finds prostitution

Vivienne is stalking around after Paddy, trying to stop him getting work or a place to live. I actually LOVE Paddy Bishop. He'e fucking hilarious - constantly calling Vivienne and Charlotte 'his favourite girls' particularly finny since he used to bate the shite outta Viv. She loves the irony in that too you can tell.

Quick news:

Smokes the fags Carol can't afford nappies but has a hape of fags. Louis isn't sending her money for loads more fags the baby so she has enlisted the help of Bob and is swapping insults with Yvonne. Yvonne's natural state is prime cunt isn't it? That beure is never actually happy. The happiest she has actually been in years was when her mother died


Did Carol always sound like such a man?

Tommy and Judith broke up, this had made me realise Tommy LOVES twitching and nodding

And finally Orla's extentions are fucking horrific. She looks like her head was raped.