ROUND UP

ROUNDUP

• Dermot has lost some amount of weight. No explanation, no nothing. Just stopped being a fat bastard. Here's hoping it's for an upcoming sex scence!!!! SPEAKING of Dermot and sex scenes:

• WORST sex talk in history on TV tonight

Dermot: You're not sick after my HOT cousine? (YES, the tool pronounced it hot)
Meave: No, but I WAS kept up all last night
Dermot: There is nothing worse than a sleepless night.........(long pause)
Meave: I really (VERY emphasised that one, closed eyes and all) enjoyed myself last night
Dermot: Did you get that curry stain off your shirt? ( I'd see a doctor if I was you Dermy :o, should NEVER be brown.........)
Random foster child: You should try a Sunday Roast, they're always great (Little WHORE joining in on them, inviting herself for a spit roast, doesn't she know what the spit roast is soooooooooo last year - it's all about the Eiffel Tower these days. Just imagine that..........)

• NOBODY has ever taken an adoption as badly as poor old Finn. No adoption story has ever been so badly told either. I think the writers wrote the whole background story etc, and forgot that they never actually filmed or showed it. He went straight from shouting UBER dramatically at Moley headed Keet 'YOU'RE NOT MY BROTHER' to having met his adopted mother. Eh, HOW did you find out you were adopted? How did you go straight from Ireland to New York and find your real mother? No years of searching NOTHING? I know sometimes you find out it's a small world - but that's when you meet your neighbour abroad in Spain, NOT when you randomly meet the woman who birthed you, while on holiday. Tip of the shittily planned out cap to you again Fair City

• They are really trying to play Renee off as a real 'go getter' these days. Tit's out, arms gesturing, roots done, hangbag held like a briefcase. Looked like bone city there for her n Bob, but it turns out Bob can no longer get it up for anything other than revenge, after the nasty go he had at her in the Bistro I doubt he'll be fiddling with the buttons of her manky MANKY 80's power suits.

• THINGS TO PONDER:

Louis's hair - Justin Beiber's real father?

Ingrid's bronzer and highlighter - fuck me, they really do geunderstand glamour on FC..........

Carol LOVING saying 'wha' at the end of a sentence. Sweetheart you do NOT need to remind of us your skanger roots, the big mauldy tinker head on ya does that for us.

AND FINALLY

• I have a feeling Fair City might have gotten itself in a bit of bother........ You really CAN'T use the phrase 'fighting like tinkers' now that gyppos are oh so popular!! They'll be heaving themselves from the halting sites, reality T.V camera's in tow to get revenge on that one!  Plus, tinks are FOREVER having brawls at free wine tastings, one of their favourites - up there with scraps during high tea and a few leisurely thumps while watching the tennis..........

Travelleher's rites is humin rites, boss.

I have a LOAD of unpublished drafts - the amount of time I write something and it just sounds shite is astonishing, but what I WOULD like to do is take a part writtin draft and update it to what is happening now: (Black is the update, blue is the old shit)




When the whole husband batings were going on Susanne decided to fuck off to England (lasted all of 5 mmins) But before she did she decided to get rid of some momentos and what did this Box of memories hold?

• My first communion prayerbook) 
• Portfolio pic of Damian's Dad 

So, the Damian and Suzanne saga continues. As fucking always, Fair City like to really drag out their storylines.
After months of batings and hilariousness - the Halpins have finally broken up properly. Bitch even moved to London.
Just. Like. THAT.
Ah, I know if I was living somewhere my whole life, and owned a business there. Yup, outta the blue I'd just fuck off to London. No planning. I'd just buy the ticket in the morning, burn a few "things I was keeping for when we were old" in the afternoon, then fly out in the evening.
And as for the "things I was keeping for when we were old"
1. Surely - you just mean you were keeping important shit? Like you not ACTUALLY going to stop yourself and Damian from even looking at the shiz till yer suitably old????
2. Suzanne you're a flute
3. WHY would anyone in their right mind save their First Holy prayer book? Really. - You N Damian were meant to sit together in yer old age and pull that one out? Riiiight...
4. You're a tool
She also kept a picture of Damian's father - you know the one who killed their mother. She probably only kept it cause he was her inspiration while she was mad into the domestic violence. Also, the pic was clearly the actor's promo pic - a little trick Fair City like to pull, I mean, who would go to the expense of
Who would have thought that in the meantime Suzanne would come back (well we all knew that one) and get humped by a little armed Thalidomide fanny shit of Esthers??

No offense to poor little Christy - but I think we all knew that Crusty Crotch Carrol would feck off to penis' new one time or another. She has her eyes set on Luscious Louis, well, more her fanny than her eyes, and it is LOVE. Imeegetly, it is lurve. Starry eyed lovers, slow-motion staring over the Guinness pump, quick fiddles in  the cellar - have you ever noticed, cellars only exist on TV for illicit shenanigans???
As Christy plans the perfect wedding, the other two are bucking all over the shop. Well, the shop, the pub, the Hungry Pig. WHY can only Louis own businesses in the town??
Well, it was to be love eh. And another one which resulted in pregnancy.

I had also written a note about somebody slapping Keet on the big moley head OH how I wish I could remember!
And a GREAT pic I found on boards.ie!!!!!!! 

Quiffs, pornos and epileptics!

Carol is making a hard play to keep her man. For all of you out there who want to know how to keep the spark alive in a relationship spanning a whole year - here are her top "keeping yo man" tips.

1. Put in a massive quiff  (Yes, QUIFF). I suppose the height of the hair is supposed to remind your man of the height of his erection - so get em up girls.......
2. Chew gum. There is nothing sexier than a slack jawed, slurping, middle aged skanger. She likes to keep her mouth fresh for the fellatio, working the jaw muscles at all times. Remember to slurp it it as you speak! (The gum AND the cum)
3. Face painting. As much eyeliner as possible, LOADS of blusher and you just go ahead and paint a lovely red circle around that blow job apparatus you call a mouth. Draws attention to the mouth. Your dirty, dirty, whorish mouth..........
4. Spread them whenever, where ever. If you can get him to bone that quiff outta your hair on the couch in the middle of the afternoon - you do that. 

Louis, Bob, Ingrid, Renee, Carol - this whole thing, eugh, I don't know. The story is Louis and Bob hate each other. Bob and Renee might get back together. Carol and Ingrid hate each other because Carol knows Ingrid has the horn for Louis and, well, Ingrid has the horn for Louis. Also, that Ingrid wears an unholy amount of highligher and bronzer..........

REALLY glad Renee is back. Sad that she started doing her roots. REALLY REALLY glad that she is back selling wines. That is exactly the same thing Bob was doing a few years ago - you watch, she'll be trying to sell Bulgarian apartments followed by a brief stint as a homeless person and the newest owner of the Hungry Pig with a crazy need for revenge against Louis. Sometimes I think FC should be called Deja Vu.......... 

Delores is the most reactive actress ever. Every line that she is not saying she reacts to - her favourite moves are the eyebrow raise/lip pout combo and the lip bite. She's like a one woman mime. She's gone into over drive with the whole Lucy situation - she looks like an epileptic playing video games, under a fluorescent light in a club.

And as for poor, demented, crazy jaws Lucy. So revelation of the week - it wasn't her who had to cornea transplant - it was her mother!!! Dun, dun duuuuuuuun!! Her defence is that she never actually said that she was the one who received the transplant. Oh how I wish I could watch look back and see if this is true. I may be wrong here but I am calling bullshit on that one. Bitch SAID he had the transplant, I'm sure of it! But instead of, you know, bothering their holes with previous episodes - they are gonna just go ahead and say she never said it, because, you know, fuck it. Although I may be wrong - Fair City is the ULTIMATE in long, drawn out storylines.

Alsom Dermotsch is FAR too open with his son - Ben wants to stay up late and Dermotsch's reason to not let him is "Daddy time" "Daddy time is when Daddy might want to watch a more grown up movie" We ALL know what that means Dermot! Ya DURT. You should not be telling your 6 year old child this. Maybe his imagination doesn't yet conjure up images of Dermot having a posh wank on the couch while watching Dude, Where' my Dildo, The Dark Knob Rises  or his personal favourite, Mary Popitintheanus - but it will!

Cass

Move over 50 Shades of Grey - the most erotic words ever written were brought to life on last week.

Picture the scene:

Fearing for his life, undergoing a string of complicated cardiac tests, the sexgod that is Cass is finally told that he will have to have an angiogram.

Now add Marks n Spensers music.......

'We insert a catheter through your groin' 

Ohhh, yeah........

'Someone will be up to shave you' 

THAT'S the stuff.......... There is no image more divine than the thought of  Cass having his little balleens shaved. mmmmmmmm. Also, said balleens are tantalisingly close to being on show - in his sexy little nightgown. Not enough people wear nightgowns, but thankfully Cass the clothes horse is doing all he can for the cause. Cass is both a clothes horse and HUNG like a horse. True story - you can see his bell end swinging just below the bottom of his nightgown. 

Lucy is balls out crazy. Basically everyone who speaks to Delores is on her hit list. Neil's turn now. I'm not sure what she is trying to achieve, but she is trying to get Rachel Brennan to perv on him, and then telling people that he was smoking joints in front of the kids. Pretending she's getting prank calls and getting Bob in on her lies. The thing is - get the fuck oooonnnn with it already. Fair City just love slow burners like this. It's already going on and on and on and on and on and on. So far Lucy is getting on great in her quest - whatever the fuck it is. Obviously she's obsessed with Delores - but IS it in a tuna bumpin way? Is it for the want of mothering? Does she just love being a weirdo? The fuck?

Then, it turns out that Charlotte only acts like an asshole because no one fancies her. Eh, then stop being so fucking ugly! Also, you're basically a pack of gyppos, find an attractive cousin like any good mink and be done with it. Other news - I think she is sterile, this is the kind of thing Darwin wrote about, this is for the greater good. I am not usually in the corner for childhood cancer - but in this case GO CANCER!!  

JOE'S back!!!! I love her and I have missed her dearly. It also means that we get more screen time with the delightful little gobshite that is their son. This is a kid who is fast losing their kid cuteness, but still playing a really young child. The little tardo wants the parents to get back together. When what I really want is for Dermtsch to get that svelte new figure out there and let the primary teacher sit on it! 

THALIDOMIDE MAN TO THE RESCUE

DAMN - I miss David :(

I KNOW HER!!!

Just realised I can see loads of shit on my blogger wall about who reads this shite (shame on you all) and for some reason this page is the one people most read, for whatever reason, google searched and the like I suppose, - which is disappointing as it's one of the shittiest. Read Any of the newer stuff or HERE or THIS or even THAT. Thank's for reading though....... 



Ben's primary school teacher. I know her..........

Well, I know OF her - she is from Ballina and her sister taught me for 3 years in primary school. 

Fair City is now a kind of parallel universe to my very own life. Clearly I am Ben, only the opposite. He's a boy, I'm a girl. He's fair haired, I'm dark. He is a child, I am an adult. He's an annoying little fuckwit with a part time job as a McDonalds eating Daddy's boy. I am an, eh...... unannoying fuckwit, with a full-time job, and eh k I have to work on the details.......... I'm hoping the opposites stop when Ben's teacher starts riding Ben's dad.

Louis kids and ex wife have now moved to Carrigstown. Fine American accents on them. They went to all the hassle to pick kids which actually do look like they could have grown up in America - only to give them big buffer accents. Also, those kids love complaining.

And for realz, do we still fucking have to listen to the whole Louis/Bob feud. Cause it's more than fucking boring. We get it, we get it, you hate each other. Now fuck off the pair of ye. Except Bob, he's hilarious when he's acting the bollox, I just don't get why it only has to be toward Louis these days. Fucking heartbreaking that is.

Lucy is becoming a bigger freak by the minute - she has succeeded in running Pete away. It's obvious that Delores is changing her mind about her. Delores is the kind of actress who clearly reads a few pages ahead in a script - and likes to show whats coming next (Ah, remember when she was foaming at the "Australian mouth" for Fr. Thaddeaus? Fist biting little missy........... She's like a spoiler alert all by herself that one)