Long overdue update

Topics to be dealt with

• Sarah's death

Remember a few months ago and there was that WHOLE death by table phase? Well poor cat arse mouthed Sarah O'Leary was one of those unlucky few, or not so few as Fair City would have it. 

The whole murder was dealt with in true Fair City style - hilariously and unbelievably. 

And what made it so hilarious?

1. The fact that the bag Denzo Bishop threw away caused scutter to back up the WHOLE of the street. That's funny - the fact that the handi-capable bastard didn't even THINK the two were connected - FC hilarious. Big props to Barry and Denzo for the Mission Impossible style BAMBOOZLING of the Dublin Co. Council in order to retrieve the bag. Nice one lads. (Try to not get the Mission Impossible music in your head now)
2. The fight scene with Decco Bishop, that 'skanger' who tried to shoot him and Barry. I mean WOWZA. I seriously stared at the screen in utter amazement at this one. (Partly because the episode in itself didn't suck - I liked it in an entertainment way, NOT just a ha ha ha hilarious Fair City way) WHY would Barry throw himself in front of a gun aimed at Decco? Fuck knows. I guess it's a mix between kinda wanting to die what with all the killing of a close friend. And possibly a LOT to do with trying to impress Vivienne to get a go at her roomy, gyppo producing pink sink again. Even though he already had full use of aforementioned sink...... 
3. Sarah's whorish mother flapping her middle aged flaps around. Yup - Sarah's mother is a big ol' whore. First she tried Barry. No joy. Then she tried Bob. JACKPOT. Lots of middle-aged canoodling, shifting and riding. The odd need for a tissue......... And then she might gieve for a moment, or not. Depends.
4. The ridiculous funeral in the park. Or 'memorial'. 

• Barry's incarceration

The words 'You can't handle the truth' were ALMOST uttered during the interrogation of Barry. It was just SO American/CSI/good cop bad cop. Also, WHY was Inspector Deegan SO sure that Barry didn't move the body alone?  Cause Denzo moved it alone. And even though Denzy DID go on that run with Mark - I don't see him as strong man of the year. Not that I want to point out a hole in the whole story like...

During the filming of the jail scenes, well if there wasn't just the BEST camera work in the world! I have never previously felt the need to see up Vivienne's flared nostril - but I am SO glad I got to! I think maybe the camera angles were meant to reinforce her anger, anguish etc. All the reinforcing that was needed was on her chair. Camera close ups, slow panning. It was cinamatography at its best.

Was Barry sorry about murdering Sarah? Eh, ah.... Not quite. He was more bothered that people now thought badly of him. He wanted everyone to understand that it was an accident. Yup - I mean I'm forever waking up in the Dublin/Wicklow mountains in a shallow grave thinking gosh darn it - it happened again Oh ha ha ha. Accidents happen!!!!

• Carol/Louis/Christy/Jack

Carol was riding Louis and Christy at the same time. Carol found out she was pregnant. Your basic whodunnit of spunk and ovaries. Well, it turns out Louis done it. Rendering the whole story line reduntant. Unless you call 'Oh there for a second I thought something, no wait, it's grand, sorted now' story lines interesting. People complain that soaps aren't like real life - it's kinda the point. You want to watch parents get their kids ready for school? You want to watch old ladies blow their nose? Nope - you watch soaps cause SOMETHING happens. And the Carol and Louis story line seemed as though was going one place - Christy being the baby daddy. Surely, this was the only reason they were continuing on with this particular love triangle after flogging it already for so many months? Nope. Fair City likes to dick with you sometimes.

• Jo/Dermotschhh/Tommy/Judith

Jo and Tommy are on and off each other like a seesaw. However, after the Ploughing Championships it's looking like the end of the road for these star crossed lovers. Because Jo found out Tommy had done the dirt on Judith before. To be fair Jo - your bucking a man who, although married for 20 odd years, was MAD to wear you as a scarf. Does that not tell you anything about him? Also, to make things far more interesting - the woman in question was none other than Harry Molloy's old vag on the side! The one with the mole from the Barry's tea add! Love when FC feign consistency. Consistency would be more like making Charley speak in ONE accent - not two. Consistency is NOT bring back an actress as a serial mistress. Although I truly am looking forward to her return. I see great craic ahead. Also, I'm hoping that if Judith gets 8% more surprised her little goggly eyeballs will just POP - straight out.

• Rachel

You are a gimp. I know this is just a child. I don't care. She makes my blood boil and my eyeballs bleed. Her over acting makes me vomit. Her over acting which really just involves throwing in the odd skanger accented word in with her Billy Barry Kid whiney D4 voice. Oh, and by furrowing her brow. Nothing says thoughtful, emotional yet mature teenager more than a furrowed brow. 

Fuck off Rachel.

So finally, someone caught Jo and Tommy jigglin genitals. Ok, they were caught shiftin not jigglin. To be honest I think if they WERE found out neither of them would care. I could almost see Jo getting angry at Dermot if he were to find out about her indiscretion.

Dermot : "Jo HOW could you do this to me??" *sob* *sob*

Jo         : "Dermotshh, stop acting like a woman and be quiet. You're making a fool of yourself Dermotshh. I just wanted the ride, and Tommy is hung like a horse. Unlike YOU Dermotshh"

Suzanne and David love riding. And love talking about riding, well not talking as much as insinuating. Far more disgusting. Begs the question : What positions to they do? Surely your basic missionary is out of the question - you know, cause of the whole arm thing. If David WAS to be the one on top - well I suppose it would involve a lot of Showgirls-esque flapping - erotic........

Louis and Christie are GREAT friends. Why? I know that if MY fiancée was doing the dirt on me and left me on our wedding day I would be GREAT friends with said fiancée and their partner. That's what happens in real life yes? Sometimes Fair City really like to get the fuck away from a story line in the easiest possible way. So Christy forgives Carol and Louis. In a kind of 'I understand and wish you the best' way. Why? Is it because the creators of FC think that Christys character is a forgiving kind of man? Yeahhhhhh, must be that.....

Yvonnes mouth looks like a sphincter which has been loosened. Watch her and disagree I dare you........

Jo and Tommy do the mattress mambo

One of my favourite things about Fair City are the romances. From Bela and his tryst with Linda (Barry's wife, Bela even preggo'd this one up) to Delores and her fist eating passion over Fr Thaddeous Fair City has always known how to highlight love, emotion and the exceptional skills of their actors.

Tommy and Jo. I mean what can you say. One week they are both loving and devoted family people. The next they are horny nymphos riding and shifting at every opportunity.

My Highlights of their relationship:
Their complete lack of care or guilt. Marraige: smarraige. These two are just dangling their genitals at each other, all the time. I mean Tommy practically does the helicopter from the other side of the room every time he sees her, and Jo might as well be shaking her tits and flashing her cat. They are not subtle. At ALL. What is unbelievable is that no one seems to notice. All the coy glances and smouldering looks. No one notices a thing..

The way hey speak to each other.
Tommy after the shift (and feedin the pony I imagine)"I could taste that all day "
Jo wet "Take me to bed"
Tommy in the Helping Hand "I want you" (even creepier as he WHISPERED it)

Tommy in general
Phenomenal actor. Round of applause for this lad.........

Really wish he had kept this hairstyle. 

I'm still LOVING Thalidomide man. I love that he and Suzanne fuck now. And, presumably cause the Irish public are not prepared for a naked Thalidomide man - they get to have their carnal activities slightly covered up. They are never seen naked in a bed. Nah, instead we see David pretending to put back on a CLEARLY already fully buttoned top, and Suzanne looking for her shoes. 

David, well the actor who plays him. Is too creepy. And this has nothing to do with his arms (they're not creepy they're hilarious) It's his accent, and the fact that he is so 'hands-on' with Suzanne (Get it :) ). He calls her 'hot'.

LIES!

Now I understand. Handi-capable people need their fannies and willies felt just as much as the next person. But I feel as though it is an injustice to Suzanne that he calls her hot. Lets call a spade a spade here. What he needs to say is 

"Yo! Suzanne. Here's the deal. I look like the human embodiment of a 5 year old's painting. You look like you were meant to be aborted. Might as well buck each other yeah?"

It's only fair.

Final note, something for the spank bank 

Hope Suzanne is into felching :)

Thalidomide Man TO THE RESCUE

I actually don't know where to start on this update, between it being so long since I last updated and the fantastic goings on of the Carrigstown peeps.

My favourite storyline Fair City has come out with in YEARS - Esters Thalidomide baby.

CROTCH WATCH No. 1 - David's bulge

CROTCH WATCH No. 2 - Esther scratching/masturbating against the table

Consider the scene - it's 1960's Ireland, your a  lady with a penchant for cock, and you like your cock sans prophylactic. Then, when you found yourself up the duff you got down with the cool kids and got off your tits on 
thalidomide to make sure that pesky morning sickness didn't dampen your spirit (or undampen your crotch)
But ALAS - when the fruit of your loins pops out it looks like the result of the carnal fusion of you and a T-Rex and Louis from the bar. 
So what do you do? Give it away and forget about it for forever. Of forget about it until it finally works out how to use it's midgety little arms to ring her.


I love how proud Fair City are of their thalidomide man. He is always shown with his little chicken wing arms in FULL view (remember years ago on The Den when Dustin used to do 'the flap-flaps'?? That's THIS guy 
life...)


They have shown him actively using his warped lil hands too. Handshaking and kettle pouring are no problem for him. However, the greatest scene of his Fair City career so far HAS to be him scaring away Suzanne's attacker (Eh, Mark - we'll get back to that one....) I can only presume that HAD he been able to rip of his shirt, it would have had a TM logo in red and blue underneath.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Louis? Is it's a T-Rex? NO! IT'S THALIDOMIDE MAN

GO THALIDOMIDE MAN


And what do I predict is next for TM? Suzanne's nickers THAT'S WHAT. Yes, I see the lovely David, with his lovely arms fiddling at Suzanne. I can see him being good at boob action, not too difficult, but how is he going to run her waspy raisin? Stay tuned...........

Look at her hands, it's like she's pulling the piss outta him, that bitch :o. You'd NEVER catch me doing something that inappropriate - btw, to make your OWN thalidomide 'costume' all you need is a t-shirt, the mind of a child and some crossed arms. Go ON - give it a try :)

BISHOPS RULE

Last night's Fair City was the best I have seen in years. I think it was the exquisite acting and passion from the Bishop family. Their great acting skills and interesting story lines have been rewarded, with not one but TWO brand spanking new clan members.

Let's meet them shall we?

First is Sash
Sash has a penchant for daytime pajamas and trying to knife family members while screaming "DO ya wayant to keep yer beedin eye-ezz". The inhabitants of Carrigstown have already branded her as a skanger, yet I can't see why. Orange tan, pajamas, big earrings and detol beached hair? I think she's only stunning. Penney's will be INUNDATED with requests for the lastest daywear pajamas. Be on the look out for extra dark fake tan and knockoff uggs to complete this look

Last, but NOT least is Baz
Such a sexy man beast has not graced our screens in years. From his flowing salt n pepper mane all the way down to his shabby chic threads - Baz is ALL man. His voice is the voice of a sex symbol - a 60 Johnny Blue a day sex symbol. His face is that of an Adonis, in the Charlie Sheen sense. Oh, and watch out girls - he's a bad 'un. Drinking cans on the street and supplying ladiezz with drugs, Baz is one to watch (obviously while furiously masterbating)

The Bishop's are really taking the lions share of the story lines these days, and even the other FC dwellers are gravitating around their sexy family. Even bucket brain Robert has noticed the presence of new, hot to TROTT Sash. You know how Rainman had a thing for numbers? Well, Robert's autism manifests itself in  raging horns for skangers. It remains to be seen if his actually IS a skanger whisperer, and can manage to upgrade from part-time skanger and full time quiff grower Cleo, but I have a feeling he will soon be awkwardly asking her for the ride. I bet he's GREAT in the sack. I can imagine him folding up his underwear, ironing the condoms, then jerkily humping in that full full body rigor mortis position that REALLY get's us girls in the mood.....

Also - NICKNAME ALERT, NICKNAME ALERT. We should now be referring to Charlotte 'Leukey' Bishop as Charlie. We heard this name repeated about 7 times in one episode, so it's set in fricken stone now. I still want to call her Leukey till she gets rid of those horrendous wigs. Anyway her friendship with Rachel Brennan is getting stronger by the day. I have over the last couple years made assumptions about Rachel that have not come true (i.e wearing Chaz's grandson as a hat etc) but I still stand firm - this kid is going to go BAD. I think maybe the Bishops MAY just be the people to help this change happen. Maybe not so far as to actually GIVE her v'card to the Bishops - but I'm hoping on her receiving one of these........ right in the baby maker :o

Craic in Carrigstown

Slap happy Suzanne is back, head full of therapy and a dripin crotch for Damian it would seem. As soon as she was back, she decides to go after poor, poor sexy Bela. I mean the CHEEK. He may have thrown his sausage in as many crevices as he could find in his day - but he never raised one sexy finger in the direction of any of his childer :o That cunt. She'll get her comeuppance that one, even her tuna bumpin sister has decided to turn her back on her. 

Bob is slowly turning into ubervillain, weaving his special brand of suave, sophisticated, posh evil around the town. He'll be wearing a cloak and twirling his tash soon, all the while thinking up dastardly ways to get back at the people of Carrigstown. For reasons, kinda unknown. Yeah, they all let him get homeless and shit. But that was mainly cause he was kind of a prick of a homeless man. Stealing the money collected for Charlotte, and other acts of general cuntishness. This week saw him enjoying a meal alone in his new abode, while drinking a glass of wine and listening to "That's Life" and smiling to himself. Smiling to himself.... He even 'cheers'd' himself. I mean, are you fucking for real Fair City? Bond villain it is then.......

(I guess the money is to be spent on MORE snazzy wigs....)

I feel so sorry for poor Decco Bishop. He's got a raging horn for toothy skeletor Caoimhe Dillion, but she's far too busy trying to get her leg over Dean. Who is clearly mad about her...ahem.

Speaking of the Dillion sisters. Jeez, these girls like their peen. Neassa was rocking Turlough's wheelchair, Dearbhla is going all goth for Phillip and Caoimhe is juggling Dean and Decco. Even their hot little brother was sniffing around Rachel. 

I've got them sisters sussed though. Neassa is meant to be the hot ditzy one, but with a deep inner person that needed the love of a great man, Turlough, to finally shine through.

Caoimhe's the quirky, fun, independant one. HOWEVER, she seems independent, but underneath it all she has a craving to be loved, and will do anything for the man she loves. Oh, she's intelligent, but she left college. Sometime soon she will realise her life's ambition to return to medicine.

Whereas Dearbhla, well, I believe her to be the whore of the family. There is always one. She'll be wearing Philip as a hat in no time.

Love connections??

This is just horny guess work on my (and Claire's) part. But I believe that

THIS sexy budda of sexiness

Will soon have carnal knowledge of
THIS sexy tramp siren

My loins are sizzling at the thought....

Craic

The whirlwind romance of Nessa and Turlough came to a fairly abrupt stop last week when the Tempting Turlough decided Nessa was all he needed in order to make his legs work again.
Fair City need to pass on that information to hospitals or something - You CAN walk again, all you need to do it get hole from someone much younger than you with crooked eyes and a pretty constant squinty, crying face. Feck years of painful rehab - buck a tramp. Hmm, maybe I should get that trademarked.....

Anyway, back to Turlough's death. So, 3 weeks into one of the most ill matched but intense relationships in Fair City history, Turlough decided to propose to Nessa - AND to just, you know, get the fuck up from his wheelchair and walk about. He then proceeded to dive head first into a table. A glass table. A glass table which was put there just for him to kill himself on. Yes, KILL himself on a TABLE. He was killed by a table.
Watching Nessa try to comfort him in his last moments was hilarious - owing to the fact that that the actress seemed pretty unwilling to touch any of the fake blood. And, for all the romantic build up of the most intense of all intense relationships - she did NOT want to touch him. And who could blame her, the greasy unwashed beardy yolk. He just looked like he doesn't wash.

Elsewhere - Christie's an odd one. He finds out his wife to be - skanky ho Carol, is bucking slimy Louis. So, obviously his next move should be to let her at it and fuck off to Bahamas or Bermuda or where ever. And was it difficult for Christie to fond out about the pairs shenigans? Was it fuck - they basically run around the pub fiddling with each others genitals in front of everyone. Not a care in the world. Carol even got a jujji new fringe, and one can only presume that it so that Louis had a better view when she was blowing him.

Also Louis's ex- wife is back, looking for money cause of some uninteresting story we will have to hear about for the next 6 weeks, minimum. To get the money he's selling his properties, some of his properties. Why does Louis have to own everything in the town? Pub, Bistro, Hungry Pig, Carols vagina AND the shop.