BATINGS

There is nothing funny about domestic violence. Except of course when it's on Fair City.

Only a few years ago wife beating was RIFE in the Halpin household. Mr. Halpin loved nothing better than a bitta wife murdering before the soaps of an evening. Mrs. Halpins death itself was a landmark in hilarity.

"NO, MARTY NO!!!!! Ugh...." Dead. Her leg twitching, hanging over the doorway to the kitchen. Oh how we laughed......

Now the tables are turned, and young Mister Halpin, Damian, is getting batings from the wife.
His wife who, up until about 5 weeks ago, was just the nicest person ever. Running round all over town getting shiz fixed for stroke victims all over Ireland. Working hard and helping 'Da' (AKA sexified Bela 'The Stump' Doyle) She also had a great thing going with her side job as a donkey impersonator. (Yeah, she LOOKS like a donkey)

Then, he went and bucked someone else :o THAT BASTARD. Time to beat the shite out of him!!!
With a snooker cue
Or an iron
Or a shovel
YAY, bating for Damian, fun for the donkey. Hee HAW

"STOP MAKING ME DO THIS DAMIAN" *whack*

"YOU FAT USELESS LUMP" *sizzle*

"MAKE ME PREGNANT" *cream*

Suzanne giving Damian a bit of a batter with the fire shovel. Gwan, give it to him. Mmmm, Damian looks sexy doesn't he? Slurp

The best part about Damian's batings is execution. I can only presume that only the best of the best stunt and fight coordinators were used in the filming of the scenes. That Damian cowers like a pro.

Tonight it made a turn for the unexpected as Suzanne burned HERSELF with a lighter :o Crazy little bitch that she is. In order to feign victim to Bela "The Stump".

Elsewhere, not fucking much else is happening. Fair City like to really hold onto a storyline and not let go. So basically our Fair City inhabitants are all stood outside Damian and Suzanne's with their lil old glass to the wall listening to the bating and chatting about it.

Last week of course there was the swingers "mix- up" with Dermot and Jo and The new Doctor who used to be in Upwardly Mobile and her husband, possible one of the worst actors I have ever seen. He makes Rita look like an Oscar winner. Anyway, a series of mishaps led Dermot and Jo to believe that the new hot couple round town were mad for their genitals. Oh, hilarity ensued. Eventually they all sorted it out and had a big old laugh about it. Then they all went back to Dermot's, lubed up and bucked all over the shop. I presume.

What is WITH Zumo's mother?

She births a football team's worth of nacks, leaves them in Carrigstown.

Then when she returns she's all about the poshness, like she has NOTHING to do with "their sort".

I just don't get it. I hope either she's a reformed tramp or back in the day had a penchant for riding tramps, cause the only other explaination is that she's dragging round a tramp producing vagina.

More from Carrigstown

Louie's going to ride Susanne, even though she's married and he used to buck her sister.....

Jo and Dermot are fostering the worlds most depressed Emo.But it's ok, Dermot made happy with an icecream and a threat "Eat your bribe quick!!", possibly practice for something else? Next time Dermots cock? Mr. I <3 Black is gonna enter this Talent show - special talent cutting himself

Robert the bucket is STILL trying to get over the death of Cleo's mother - who he knew for 5 mins. He's now entering the talent show along with Emo kid. Special talent - stand up comedy.... riiiiiiiiiiight.......


In yesterdays update I went on about how confused I was with the whole Carol/Wayne/Shampoo thing. Today I am relieved to say I am no longer confused. Fair City - I love you soooooooo much more now. The whole debacle was in fact just an enormous ginger jibe!!!! No fucking kidding.

Mina from Glenroe was covering her hair in a chemo rag cause the shampoo turned her hair GINGER!!!!
And lil Benjamen Fahy played a BLINDER, when he pointed at her, laughed and said "Ha ha ha ORANGE"

EXCELLENT Fair City EXCELLENT. I must say I do love a good ginger joke.....

YAY - A ginger joke....

HA - An even better ginger joke!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO

Loooooooong over due update on Fair City

The craic around town is:

Bob being unemployment and homeless - This is hilarious, he's even living in the infamous "Shelter", eating leftovers, stealing outta bins the whole shibang. Although on the plus side Bob is the worlds poshest, most dashing hobo. Catch him robbing people's leftovers and expect to find a man weeping in remorse and shame? Nope - not a chance. Head held high - "just clearing up"... Are ya fucking well? Go get a job ya lazy fuck.

Sarah and the apartment - I have no idea what this Sarah one is. I think if I cast my mind back she used to be a trust fund baby, living on Daddy's money. Followed by a stint as a teacher. And in the great footsteps Barry O'Hanlon before her - she turned her back on teaching for a life as a fearless journalist. Now she's working in Rainbows or whatever it's called now. But she owns a house...... I dunno. What I DO know is that she is looking R.O.U.G.H, or more specifically she's looking RUFF. I'm thinking she's a craic addict and on the game.

Jo being a bitch - honest to God this one is a fecking wagon. On her CV it must say - special skills: Having bad hair and being a thundering cunt, also have a special interest in referring to loved ones through patronising nicknames, petal; love; chicken etc. She's frolicking around the community centre and in the second hand shop pretending she gives a shite about helping people when in actual fact she just likes to be in a public position so she can show off her expertise in being a loudmouth, argumentative, shrill voiced bollox.

Carol and the shampoo and Wayne. I don't even know where to begin here. So Wayne is selling shampoo - only he has no shampoo, so he fills the bottles with cheap shampoo???? Cause obviously he'd have the empty bottles hanging round for no reason....... (Ah HA bet you didn't think I'd find the loophole in THAT one Fair City did ya???) This shampoo then in turn causes serious reactions in the people using it. Cause we all know that using the Dunnes own brand shampoo will lead to hairloss, open wounds and all the rest. Hmmmm. Oh the hilariousness of these lot and their shenanigans.......

Cleo and the dead mother and her weirdo boyfriend. So, Cleo really knows how to pick them...... Remember Pierce? Yeah, that went well. So she's decided hey!! Who needs men? I'm gonna go out with a bucket. So she did and his name is Robert. As a bucket it's difficult for Robert to deal with problems, problems such as Cleo not wanting to meet her mother. What's the solution? Sit him down and say "Please Robert, I can't do that"? No. Explain the reasoning behind the love loss between mother and daughter? No. Ask Delores to intervene and explain the severity of the situation? No. Use your old friend and part time stripper as a fake mother. An old friend you met on the streets back in the days you used to sell your fanny for fags? YES!!!!!!! Oh, but not only that - how about going as far out as to kill off mother replacement. Without even telling the replacement (who's still running all over Carrigstown), and filling her urn with fag butts from McCoys and attending a fake funeral. Yup - that's the way to go. i see nothing but blue skies ahead for these two

Rachel and TJ - A prediction: Rachel will very soon be wearing her knickers round her ankles and getting knocked up by TJ. True. I miss his mullet though.......

And my favourite - Mina from Glenroe turning up with a wig, great craic!!!!

Old posts....

I ♥ Charlie Kelly!!! Fair City AGAIN

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 Wednesday, 16 September 2009 at 22:18 | Edit note | Delete

Its been a full year since i have had the pleasure of hearing Charlie - I didn't even REALISE how much I missed him!
SUCH a schizo voice on him! One minute he's PURE Dublin, Ronnie Drew stylee. Next he's completely posh! Charlie: Howayez Bela, huw do you DOOO? About 7 different personalities in each sentance!(Yeah I'm aware that that does not come across that well when written.....)

And I'm actually starting to get REALLY pissed off with the obsession with Helen Doyle. Its going on for WEEKS now! The woman is dead 13 or so years, and had rarely been spoken of since if EVER, yet she is involved in some way or another in SO MANY storylines - she's even had her picture shown and a heartwarming essay written about her. I mean what the FUCK is going on? I'm still hoping for her to come back from the dead but I very much doubt Fair City would have the balls to bring out something like that.

It's always fun to see approaching plots, cause they are usually about as subtle as Bela's bulge.
Things I am predicting are:

Something MASSIVE with Helen Doyle - either that or they just stop talking about her untill its a convenient plot linker again
More sexitime / the truth coming out about Paul and Yvonne
Mags dying
Bela being sexy
Carol becoming some sort of politician/public speaker - that parade was setting her up for something - they were hamming up her being hilarious WAAAAY too much
Zumo and that inspector Deegan getting carnal
Rita pissin her pants up in the nursing home
Yvonne being MORE crazy - maybe even getting the kid back - I honestly could NOT give a flying fuck about this one anymore - oh she's a dyke, no she's not a dyke. She's a coke head, she's not a coke head. What the fuck ever - give her AIDS and be done with it......

This is in fact a real life pic - the people in the G hotel were REAL pissed off about that TV......

Old posts....

BLEUGH Carol and Christy
I have seen many bad and terrible things on TV but very few have disturbed me, or shaken me to my core as much as the sight of aging Lothario Christy lounging on the couch in a state of post coital undress. Made worse by Carol's referral to shop counter shenanigans. eugh. I will forever have THAT mental image in my subconscious - so cheers for that Fair City.

Although I am SOOO glad that the writers decided that the time was right for Christy and Carol to finally get it on, as it was DRIVING ME MAD. It just went on and on and on and on... They will they won't - oh wait She's with Farrel, they will they won't..... Well they did, it was gross, its over. PLEASE do not drag this out anymore. 

Another storyline which will not die is this whole Doyle thing. The sheer amount of references to the past hurts my head. Helen is dead a decade at this stage. Was probably not spoken about 2 episodes after her death. Now she's the talk of the town. Makes me wonder whats going on there? Is she going to make a Dirty Den style appearance - cause I swear that would fucking ROCK. While your at it bring back a few other people - like Harry Molloy - that would be pretty cool. He'd leather lemonjaws Delores for all the bible bashing and near priest riding she's been at since his demise.

I am REALLY enjoying the superhero V supervillain way Yvonne and Suzanne talk to each other.
They're like rejects from an action movie. One day I swear Yvonne will revert to the stereotypical Bond bad guy - she'll shave her head and slowly revolve in her seat to meet Suzanne, as a newly shaved Louie sits in her lap. Or even worse..... a freshly shaved Bela!

Oh and I felt as though I should share thsi lovely sexitime shot of Cass giving Malachy a lapdance.
Look at the backround to see a VERY jealous Delores! - Don't mess with her man Cass!

Old posts....

So the news in Carrigstown is:

Carol is still slutty - a poorer slut but still a slut, in her own words "A gold diggin slapper". She is being persued by Dave Grohl's creepy, slimey, posh, Dublin twin. I say get in there love - with a snatch as invested as yours take what ya can. At least this sham has money!

Rita is still pissin her pants up in the nursing home. Alas, poor Bela is running outta money to keep her in nappies and sexy PJ's. But bless the lovely Louis - he gave Yvonne money to give to Bella for old pissy pants. This still hasn't wiped the lemon jaws off Bela, however. I rathered him a LOT more back in the day before they chopped off his knob, back when he was whoring around and impregnating the villagers. Those were good days
Oh and update on Yvonne and her child - She didn't in fact give her kid up for adoption - the child was taken off her while she was off her face on drugs. (A likely story. I think that the child was REALLY taken off her in order to get extensive plastic surgery on its mouth. Passing on THOSE genes is TOTAL neglect)
Also, is there ANY reason why Yvonne and Louie are together? Other than they are both ex-coke heads?
They CLEARLY dispise each other. Never once have they had as much as a civilised conversation, never mind show any inclination as to why they are in a relationship. Today there she was pouring her heart out about trying to kill herself over the coke, and could he be bothered? Not a fucking bit. 
Yvonne: About 7 years ago I tried to kill myself
Louis: Tough
Seriously? That's all she gets? I'd at LEAST give her a reassuring pat on the head or SOMETHING, and I can't stand the anus mouth'd whore!

Oh and EW! Delores and Malachy! What they FUCK. Piss off back to the priesthood ya Fester Adams reject. And you, missy! You should REALLY still be in mourning. Yes I know life goes on - but SERIOUSLY life kinda shat all over you for a bit. Control yourself ya whore. First it was an affair with circus performer Frank resulting in (now dead) Jessica. THEN Father Thaddeus. Now Fester Adams. Someone needs to start her HRT pretty quickly! That scene the other night with him trying to kiss her neck - oh fuck ME! It was gross! Her with her greasy red hair and him with his slimey bald head. Please, fuck off with the nasty shenanigens!

Carol being seduced by Dave Grohl's slimey lookalike.
Flowers are from Carol TO him (He's still not used to the hum of unwashed knack)