Oh, Meredith...........

We need to talk about Meridith. What the actual fuck is she?

I think that the character is intended  to be a whirlwind of American sex appeal and glamour.
She is in fact a terrible Jessica Rabbit-esque character. Sounds like a compliment, but I can assure you, it's not. What looks like a sexy walk on the cartoon, is very different when undertaken by a middle aged woman, surrounded by the most Irish of Irish actors. She walks out of a room swinging her arse from side to side, and I swear, I'm worried she's going to knock nearby children and send them flying. She doesn't have a big arse, just she's that ridiculous.

Luckily, Meredith has a rich backstory to enjoy, and was introduced as a character years before she swaggered onto our screens. The thought, foresight, planning an genius!! Imagine this: Wayne, young and virile, married an exotic dancer in Vegas one night........ And, eh, ya, it's Meredith!

Oh, yes, how could this go without further delving into this sophisticate and exploring the character fully..........

When Meredith arrived in (fairly fucking randomly enough) Carrigstown, she made short work of becoming buddies with Wayne's wife and family. She wrangled a wedding invite from Doug to the big double wedding of the year and proceeded to NOT only entertain everyone there with her brash American ways, but to be invited to sing at the wedding reception. Not only that, but Delores and Orla were positively enchanted with her.
Imma just call bullshit on that.
I have an Irish Mammy, so my thoughts on Delores' reaction to Meredith's ridiculousness at the wedding, well it's bullshit.
Just please, imagine being at a wedding. An Irish wedding, full of aunts and uncles, friends, the priest, grandparents, the lot. And this random, loud, flamboyant stranger decides to sit at your table, flirt outrageously, talk of exotic dancing, and fling her tits around in skimpy clothes.

Now think of your Mam's reaction.......... Seriously, think about it.

Is it a big happy head, and clapping, as Dramatico El Whoro continues to drape herself across 20 year old Doug, all heaving bosom and winks? Nah, it's not.......
Poor Doug has it bad as well. Meredith has an exotic dancing show, and he went every night. There are better ways to pay for getting your rocks off. Also, does he just sit there being all horny? Or leave immediately for a wank? These are things I think about when you hear of men going to strip clubs. Don't worry, I'm not against them, I just don't understand the boner logistics - you surely can't wank there? And then by the time you get home, surely you've lost the horn? Or am I missing the point?

Heh, point...........

Kerri-Anne is such a dose. No seriously, she is the biggest pain in the hole ever. I know I'm repeating myself, but her whole existence since she arrived is to be a girlfriend, speak only of love/relationships/boys and over pronounce the s at the end of every sentenccccccccccccccce. Once you hear this, you can no longer unhear itshhhhhhhhhhhhh.
She fell in love with Decco, but has made the poor cunt jump through the most daft hoops. Unless everything is fairy tale perfect she throws a diva strop, all doe eyes and victim chat. Just the most annoying shite, e.g. she made him think she was standing him up at the alter, just for him to bend over backwards to tell her he loved her, from behind the door of Leos. Just pointless, he proposed, he let you demand a faster wedding, he's a fan, just put the fucking dress on ya sickener! It's utterly grating, especially when paired with the pronunciation issue she hasssss.

For this rushed, needlessly drama filled wedding, a whole heap of the Bishops arrived for the wedding, including the original and still the best - Zumo. I actually really like the Bishop family, without KerriAnne obviously. She's too needy, moral, and makes Decco an awful pleb with all his pandering. Bring back the granny, throw out KA, and bring back Zumo's massive face lump!

In other news Zumo transformed himself over in Spain. He does look great, but STAP WITH THE EYEBROWS!! Fucking hell, he's got brows that would make an instagramer jealous!

Finally, clearly Paul is about to ride Farrah. Her kiss with Wayne was clearly the gateway affair to the full on ridey affair with Paul. And as for Paul, well he rarely goes too long without riding or impregnating someone, so really, it's been on the cards for a while now. Basically all that's left to happen is how, and more importantly, how they get found out.
My bet is on expertly taken dick pics: Farrah, living out the photography dream, accidentally adds beautifully lit sepia coloured photos of Paul's Penis.

Classy tho, sunsets in the background and whatnot.......

Affairs and internet worries

Genuine theory!!!
Pat Mustard from Father Ted fame - is ACTUALLY future Tommy Dillon! I have noticed the similarities before, but it looks like Tommy is starting on Carrigstown affair No. 2 - the tentative steps towards becoming the MILF-float-fucker from Craggy Island!! It's like we're watching a prequel! Shagman Begins! He starts as a love lorn lover, and evolves into the energetic bone bananza man through a series of married women. Not all supermen wear a cape lads.

On the topic of his new affair with Debbie........
Now I've never had an affair (clearly my boyfriend reads this......) but I know if I DID, I'd put clothes on BEFORE leaving the sex stank room I just bumped uglies in. Debbie was basically still wiping herself off as she came out of the room. Where is the subtlety lads? Is it not enough to have them kiss and go into a room, and emerge after? Instead they have to come out stuffing their genitals back into their clothes - Irish public couldn't have worked it out alone.

And Dermot........ Ah here, I know that hi wife randomly left him for another man, but calm your tits dude. He's the Nancy Drew of Tommy Dillon's balls - magnifying glass out looking for clues. He's about to uncover the uber secretive duo if its the last thing he does!

TOPIC OF THE WEEK!! DANGERS OF THE INTERNET
When it rains it pours - everyone has downloaded a dating app. It's called Just Dating, genuinely disapointed - the last time our Carrigstown buddies used an hilarious version of Bebo - I think it was Meemo, or Debo, something hilarious anyway - I was hoping for Twinder, or Plenty of Pork, or Flinder...... This is in addition to Katie meeting a girl who is shady about deleting her Facebook. More generic and easy to predict storylines to come.......... Catfishing and bullying. You heard it here first.

Oisin Attacks

There has been such a hiatus in my blog posts I have no idea where to start!

The major storylines of the moment revolve around Rachel, Paul and Oisin, the 1916 Rising, Dan wanting to come back to Carrigstown and giving Ama another man related storyline - that's all she's there for. FFS.
For now, I'll deal with the Rachel shite

To backup a little bit, Rachel went on holiday and got that fringed jacket she never takes off herself, a boyfriend and the work ethic and business smarts of her auld lad.
Pierce and Rachel looked as though they were going to be the world's most amazing and perfect couple, but things turned sour fast. In a couple of days they went from business-running power-couple, to Pierce robbing her and pissin off to Australia.
We haven't heard the last of him, and you can be guaranteed that the cock-struck Rachel will be back swinging off him as soon as he is back.
Currently, the world has thrown her a shocking deal and she's all empowered and whatnot - off to rule with an iron fringe and be the epitome of strong woman (until Pierce comes back and she decides it's sound to take back the lad who stole from you and ran away to Australia )

For now, Rachel 'Trump' Brennan has put all her hopes, dreams and energy into The Pod - the overnight success hostel her Daddy gave her. She's all BOOM, business idea here, BAM, making contacts there, and WHOMP-cunning-decision-making all over the shop
ALAS, along comes Oisin to stir the shite pot.

Shocked to learn that another one of his kids is a fuck bucket, Paul is on a mission to get him on the straight and narrow. Little does he know that Oisin and Nicola have all this planned in order to get in on that sweet sweet Brennan money. I've a feeling that Nicola may be wanting more than his money - unless he has attached all that money to his cock.

Little known fact, the actor who now plays Oisin is the same actor who played the woman at the start of Mars Attacks. Fact.









Slight segue - I know that Oisin has been in Cork for the past few years, but I would presume that Paul at least visited him? They seem to be fucking meeting each other for the first time.  And how many kids does poor barren Niamh have to stepmother? For a lad married to a woman with an ornamental vagina he's got a hape of kids out there. Not only this, but the absence of the all powerful baldy headed semen slingshot of North Dublin clearly turns kids into evil little shites.

All about Heather! Past and Present

  

Heather is a freak. Older posts on here HERE

If you can't remember her back story here it is:

Rene gets all sexy with some lad from her past. Lad shoots it in her and she gets pregnant. Adoption next, as Ryanair wasn't around then with their cheap flights to Ye Old Abortion town. Rene is shockingly told that her baby is dead, and carries on with life, however heartbroken. Has 2 more kids, in wedlock, with Christie.

Heather, the presumed dead baby, comes back to look for her birth Mum - Rene is delighted and they all live happily for a bit. That is, until Heather meets her half brother and decides that she'd love nothing more than to sit on his face. And that she does. LOADS of face-sitting and other types of incestuous fun. But all great and fucking disgusting things must come to an end, which it did after the death of Floyd. Which Heather had basically planned in cahoots with her doctor husband. They euthanised poor incestuous and cancerous Floydy - and Heather went off into the sunset with her happy go lucky killer hubby. 

Then she comes back, her own kid in tow ready to ride her sister's husband and wreck general havoc. 

 

Heather is distraught at Floyd's funeral when she realises she has no more brothers to fuck

On her return, she began by cultivating a storyline with her friends and family. 

Her first novel was successful and based in Carrigstown, sure why not have another go? 

She started writing a book in which, again, she used real life events, but this time manipulating things to create excitement i.e. riding her half sister's husband. She quickly got caught out.

However, she caught the manipulation bug, and she really hates Farrah. A LOT for someone who should be trying to make amends for shagging her husband.

She's now trying to create an illness with her child, clearly not happy with Farrah's constant one-upmanship. Starting when Ellie had her appendix out (which actually did happen), and following with, eh, she's just........ 'she's not feeling well'. 

There is literally nothing else said about the child's diagnosis/symptoms/illness. 

FYI as a former fat kid, you do anything for that next lillipop, and she's getting one in the doctors every time - it's a slippery slope Heather! 

Speaking of slippery slopes Heather has a bit of a thing for the current doctor, watch out Ama!!! Heather will do anything to get what she wants and create drama. Drugging the daughter and all. 

When I said Slippery Slope - I was talking about her vagina. Just in case.........

Finally, she hates Farrah for no real reason. Bones one sibling and hates the other. Unless it's BECAUSE she was the one that was adopted? Maybe she purposely pretended to love Floyd so she could kill him? Is Farrah the next on her list? Bed yet another doctor in order to put down yet another sibling?

 

The Dolphin Pod

Aftermath of the car crash, is, eh, confusing to say the least. I missed a bit.... But car accident happened, little annoyance Ben almost died, got better/ Doctors found terminal/serious illness, then Jo and Dermotsch split up because Ben has to live in America now or else he'll die? Eh? Yeah, that seems about right. Dermot is never allowed go see them? Wtf? I'll have to keep watchin to make sense of that shite.....

Niamh and Paul like a married couple without the sex.
So exactly like a married couple WHA?
As far as I can see the scriptwriters had a bad bout of alzheimer's and forgot the whole split up storyline? They are just back together. No trust issues, no leftover feelings of resentment. Just her living at his, pretending they're not together while spending all their time together, bringing up kids in the same house together, getting the shift, drinking together..........

Paul's never comfortable unless it's a mouthful of red carpet

Other couples news, Orla and Wayne - split up already. You hate each other. Genuinely hate each other. From poking around on spoiler sites, it looks like Orla is about to break out the old Cosmo-inspired relationship move of making Wayne jealous. By having Tommy around loads. You know Tommy? The man who got her pregnant just before he went mental and before her and Wayne decided to pretend they baby was Wayne's. In itself the old jealousy tactic is a fabulous relationship tool. Particularly great in this case. Who's relationship WOULDN'T be strengthened by the presence of the real babydaddy? I see great things ahead!!!

And let's just talk about The Dolphin Pod.
Are you actually fucking serious? Those of us particularly older FC fans will remember the good old days of Blue Dolphin. A busy, fast paced business/wife swapping operation owned by Paul, Niamh, Nicola and, eh, I can't remember his name - that sleezy fucker, Donal maybe? Like a wrinkly leather handbag? Got the ride from Nicola's sister when Nicola (who he was with at the time) was busy off getting her Chemo on. THAT Blue Dolphin.
The old times have found reminiscent fame in the form of 'The Dolphin Pod'
What is this? Well, should you find yourself an 18 year old, just out of Leaving Cert, with too little points for Teaching - off you pop on holidays, get yourself a lovely business minded boyfriend, a fringed brown suede jacket and open up a hostel. This can actually all be done in a month you know. That's from day of shitty results through to thriving business. A month. A beautiful Dublin property, fully furnished and sleek. Ran by an 18 year old, who has a week in a Business course under her belt...........
Remember that the fringe jacket is essential. This is to impress upon the world that you are no longer a girl, but a sex having woman!!!

Rachel!! Just let him borrow it already!!!! Thick bitch she is

In other 'Arra sure fuck it, just drop the storyline in to fuck no matter if it fits or makes sense' news: Laura's lesbian lover (when you say that, FC are letting you practice your cunnilingus skills, so listen up you tuna bumpers!!!) Nina has ACTUALLY been in a relationship with long lost Bishop Sash for THRESS YEARS. A lot od which Sash has been in prison for. I mean I swear to fuck. The coincidence of it all would turn ya mental. Sash was a Bishop, went off to prison (aka actress got herself all preggo and whatnot) Nina sniffs around Carrigstown for a gritty family story, and accidentally ends up sniffing Laura's gritty vagina. Love blossoms. How Nina, never before seen in Carrigstown just happened to be in a relationship in the first place with someone from the same village, never mind the cousin of her newest little friend. In fairness, I loved Sash and all her pyjama wearing hilarity.

Extended maternity leave is up lads!!! Make way for Sash's return!!!!

CAR CRASH TV

See what I did there? ACTUAL car crash on the car crash TV

WONDERFUL

Ben, Dermot and Bob got injured in a surprisingly not utterly shit episode.

Ben almost died because...... Ugh, where do I even start? Ah, from the ride, sure why not!

Ben was the result of his original Mam getting the ride on a married man, I'm not even sure which married man. I think possibly it was (wait for it......) Renee's adopted daughter's husband the doctor? Remember her? Heather, the one that rode her brother Floyd? I know, I know, SUCH a feckin cliche!!!
She didn't want her lil sex trophie, so gave it to the barren from utter bitchiness Jo. Jo and Dermotsch raise child as their own, annoying little flute.
The original Mam, Mayo Deirdre, came back a few years later and kidnapped him, but gave him back. I'd have returned the annoying little shit myself to be honest. Five minutes of his gammy little accent and I'd be looking for childhood euthanasia. Smarmy litte shit.

The Offensive Little Cunt

She clearly went demented again and forgot how annoying he was and is back for custody. War war war!!!! Jo tutting and clucking away, Dermotsch squinting his little beady eyes all over the shop - all the normal shite. Solicitors, exclaimations of 'YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM' and 'YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MUM''s abound. Typical bollox.

Until now.........

A, frankly, fucking retarded mixup occurs when Jo and Dermot listen to the ramblings of their uber nosey, earwigging, half story listening foster child, to come to the conclusion that Deirdre was bringing Ben off to Australia when she was in fact just going to Mayo (You know they have no internet in Mayo? Just another up to date, awesome and totes legit issue Fair City is shining a light on.

The mixup lead to dramatic driving, close up shots of Dermotsch's face in the rear view mirror and then a genuinely exciting car crash scene with overturned car and dramatics and EVERYTHING.

Ah, then it got shite again. The TV Equivalent of shooting the load........ The cleanup is depressing and you've to pretend it's all just grand..........

Carraigstown bounded into action.
Guards!
Ambulance!
Dying 9 year olds!
Demands of neck braces and boards! (Because it must have been the fucking paramedics first day on the job, and before the doc gave them this advice they were actually wandering in with dildo's and doughnuts)

                                            Awkward time for Ben to have his first erection

Surprising heroes of the day? Hughie and Rachel's new genital smasher Philip! Side question - where did Hughie's alcoholism go? Last time he was a broken man, now he's back and functioning away. Impressive stuff. He's clearly now got money. It's that old saying tho, 'Give an alcoholic a pile of money, and he'll make a real serious go of it, and make good financial decisions' Way to stay true to life lads!

As good as Philip was at the accident, his "Bob's ankle is definitely broken" comment was a tad obvious. Really? Sure all he had was a car sitting on it? And sure the fire brigade lifted that like? Pssshhh, Bob, you playin!!! Pure compo, I'd have shaken that one off...........

SPEAKING of Philip and Rachel. The once timid school girl went on a post leaving cert trip, and came back a woman. A big, horny, mad for the ride woman. I just can't cope with this one. She annoys the bollox off me. In a show of shitty actors, she over acts, more than that, she over REacts. It's all mouth opening, eye bulging, actively watching.
Well she's off with Philip for a while. Good riddance. Wonder when she'll return? And in what state! Married? Preggo? Full of AIDS? Stay tuned!

Elsewhere:
Dan joined the wheelchair basketball team. I would have thought this would be like any basketball team, except in wheelchairs

FUCK NO!!
WE MUST BE THE BEST! TRAIN HARD! SERIOUS SHIT! NO MESSIN! GET BACK TRAINING! ONLY THE BEST SURVIVE!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

The most intense team and league in the world. Any chance Dan is going to ride his new coach? Ah no, sure they wouldn't be that obvious!!
(Insert image if her straddling his wheelchair here)

Carol, Dan and Robbie

Flip fucking flopping is all that's happening

Carol Fantastic Flaps is back boning Robbie, but pretending to Dan that she'll get moist in his hoist. Carol and Dan, Dan and Yvonne, Carol and Robbie, Carol and Dan, Carol and Robbie and Dan. My head hurts.

Dan practices sex acts on Carols bag in his quiet moments

Poor Dan is stuck in his rehab, knowing something is going on, unable to do anything about it, or investigate it. Thankfully Carol and Robbie help him out by SHIFTING OUTSIDE HIS HOSPITAL ROOM.

Then there is Bronagh. Dan's private nurse. I don't think she's meant to be a private nurse, but she spends her whole time with Dan and the majority of her time discussing his private life, with slight nods to his exercise and rehab. He's even asked her to spy on the ridey couple.
AND SHE WENT AND SPIED!
Seriously, think about it? You're in hospital for an extended time and you have an idea that the kinda girlfriend you may or may not have made up in your head is riding the dude she has form for riding. What should you do? Ask the nurse to head over to your "girlfriends" house to see if she can smell spunk in the air. Grand, no bother, no holes in that plot lads.

Bronagh wasn't in fact able to smell the heady scent of Robbies seed and they almost got away with their deception (Had Carol burped though........) The lovebirds were outed however, as Carol opened the door in her black silk robe (I presume black silk is perfect for spunk stains), tits out and a dishevelled Robbie emerging from her room.

So, everyone knows! Except Dan. Inexplicably, even though she went as far as to find out the truth for Dan, she decided he's better off not knowing. For actual fuck sake. And for the love of god can they not afford a uniform that fits the poor woman?