Sound effects, kidnappings and eggs

Jo loves making noises. Fucking loves it. I shudder to think what she sounds like riding cause just walking around doing her normal business she squeaks, squeals and moans like she's auditioning for When Harry Met Sally. I presume in bed she sounds like Larvelle Jones from Police Academy.

20 seconds in is the sound she makes when Dermotsch comes, presumably on her back

That Charlotte learned the ways of the skank pretty early. She's pretty young to be using her vagina to gain affection? The way to a man's heart is through your vagina right? Nope - that's the way to he penis. Which she did get. Romantic way to lose your virginity - in your brothers robbery shed with a lad who you basically have to beg to ride ya. Poor bitch will learn. Wonder will they make her a hooker now or later. Cause you know it's on the cards.

The object of her affections, Paul's son Callum, couldn't give a fuck. Well, he could give a fuck, that's how she lost her v card in the robbery shed. But he doesn't like her. And I'd say he's only ripping he ever threw it in her now that her father is after him. Wonder did Paddy Bishop know that the same place he brought Callum for his little kidnapping was where his little girl sat on her first dick?

I have to say - the little kidnapping was a little bit terrifying. Poor Callum tied up, Paddy at his feet with a hammer and a chisel on his toes. Fucking freaked me out. Ughhhhhhh, hammering his toes off with a chisel, fucking horrific.

And lastly :

Does Niamh EVER smile? Cheer up cunthooks, and maybe eat a salad......

Will Caoimhe EVER find a hairbrush?

And doesn't Paul's head look EXACTLY like an egg?

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

Two of the worlds worst actors - Tommy and Blacky Connors Luke has a final showdown upstairs in The Station (a place which previously never had an upstairs, but conveniently found one for this fight)

All culminates in Tommy falling down the stairs. Luke, that HEARTLESS bastard just leaves him there to die.

EXTRA DRAMA - skip to a shot of the scene from the CCTV. OH THE DRAMATIC IRONY. Someone in FC must have recently been taking some English literature classes.


EVEN MORE DRAMA - FC usually starts with the into. Not this time! Oh NOT THIS TIME. UBER dramatic scene of Tommy Dillion still on the floor of The Station, this time not moving. All you can hear are almost silent pub sounds. Is he dead? Is he alive? Then we have to wait til almot halfway through the episode for him to be found - way to keep us guessing.

Not at all staged - this is real time action. Powerful stuff........

The bitter feud between Yvonne and Carol is getting HILARIOUS. Backstory - Yvonne and Louis ride and have a HORRIBLE relationship. They break up when Yvonne goes off to be a tuna bumper. Louis and Carol start riding, have a son, then nearly get married, but don't. Then Louis fucks off with his ex wife to America. In the meantime Yvonne, who HATED Louis the whole time they were together, is now bezzie mates with him, and is his representative in Carrigstown - i.e. minds his money/business. And remember that child Louis had with Carol - well that little scither gets maintenence from Louis. LOTS of it - €5000 for 6 months. (I swear I'm considering it..........) Except Yvonne had a few little money problems and used this money for herself. She covered this by making out to Carol that she was skimping on the money as Carol was spending it all on vodka and fags (which in fairness, she kinda was) Hilarious little rows came from this and escalated to all out war. Each woman trying to out do each other at any length.

It really shows Carol as a massive slutty hooker. She used to bone slimy solicitor Farrell. He was slimy then and he's even slimier now with his vile little smig. He is Louis', and in turn Yvonne's solicitor. In order to get information and dirt on Yvonne, Carol is letting Farrell get his slimy little smig near HER slimy little smig (as in her vagina in case you didn't get that) That's fairly fucking slutty. But it worked, her he vagina must be excellent because Farrell dumped Yvonne as a client and spilled all her secrets. Bitchy comments and hilarious pranks ensue........

OH - and Callum and Caoimhe boned in a car on Paul's garage. When caught by the Guards Caoimhe closed the car door and put it in again. Cause that's what people do...........

Joe and Dermotsch are back doing the mattress mambo. They have decided to keep this secret but to engage in creepy sex talk. In order to pretend that they are still separated Jo is convincing people that Dermotsch is sick and sleeping on her couch (to explain why he is always there) Their sexy talk is about as erotic as vomit on shite. "you look so sexy in your pyjama's Dermotch!!" (ACTUAL WORDS FROM THE SCRIPT)

I find it borders on child abuse when they start using coded sex talk in front of their lil flute Ben. No kid his age is too thind to not get it. "I think we should go to the bedroom and strip" (ridiculously long pause) "the wallpaper"  He knows your boning - he's too polite or disgusted to call you on it.........

Also, getting PRETTY disgusted with their shifting. WHY does Jo have to make creepy aroused little shreeks everytime they shift? Again, as erotic as vomit on shite......

Paul Brennan has a new child. Callum is 18 years old and comes up outta the blue. That brings Paul's kids list to 4. 4 kids by 4 women. Niamh is taking this bad. And ya can't blame her. The poor barren bitch can't have one and he's lobbed out 4 without much effort. Callum is quite the little prick, I see only good things ahead. I presume there will be no clichéd 'troubled child' story lines involving drink and drugs? Oh, wait - he's already a lil holic......

Charlotte is one desperate little hussey. I feel sorry for this young one. Rachel is clearly the writers favourite and they hate Charlotte so they write her as a little cunt. Charlotte is DYING to ride Callum, and he's using her for shits n giggles. She invited him for a classy evening of choons and stolen champers in her brothers robbery den and got herself the shift. (SUCH a privileged childhood. I wish MY brothers were thieving little cunts so I could have had a hideaway to get fingered by youngfellas while being surrounded by stolen merchandise)

However great this sexy set up was, she was cruelly interrupted mid finger bang by one of her bros. Only for Callum to buckle under pressure or the brothers abuse and call her a psycho. And she's STILL wet for him. Fucking eejit. I miss her wigs - they were good craic 

Speaking of the Bishops - they fucking love walking with their hands in their pockets. Everywhere they go they have 2 hands in their cheap jackets. Feeling their willy's I presume

And finally it was lil Ruth's birthday party. This young one is 3 years old. Who do you invite to a 3 year olds party? Creche friends? Cousins? Neighbour kids?

No

You invite the strangest bunch of people to a 3 year olds party:

Ruth the birthday girl
Paul, her father
Niamh, Ruth's fake mother, as her real mother Yvonne gave her up after Paul got her preggers. Yvonne who is ALSO Rachel's mother's sister
Orla, Niamh's cousin
Callum, ANOTHER one of Paul's kids. 4 kids, 4 mothers. Classayyyyyyy
Ray, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend
Vivienne, Niamh's dead mothers ex boyfriend's new girlfriend
Bella, her grandfather AND her sisters grandfather
Rachel in slutty shorts, Ruths sister cousint
Cass, Niamh's grandfather

Fucking Fair City, my head hurts...........

:o

Since Louis left Carol has been out of work and looking for money from him. He missed some payments so she is right up Yvonne's hole looking for the money. She says that it is for Jack. Jack is beyond help. That is THE most red faced child I have ever seen. As soon as Carol gets money what does she do? Go on the piss with Orla. And who does she leave tomato face with? Bob. Nothing as creepy as leaving a child with a middle aged man.

Every so often Fair City teaches us a great moral lesson. This time it's 'don't judge a book by it's cover' Looking at Paddy Bishop, I would have thought was one to like it rough. He however let us know that Vivienne had a 'gentle touch'. Who would have thought? So there you have it, Vivienne is a soft lover. WE all needed this knowledge. Thank's Fair City :)

Why hasn't Niamh had liposuction with the winnings? She really should..........

Fair fucks to Sean for not forgiving Christie. Christie accused him of stealing from the shop and attacking him, even though that was Eddie. Sean begged Christie to forgive him but Christie wouldn't hear of it. Asshole. No amount of strategically placed facial hair is going to fix this.

Wayne has finally been caught out with the money he let Eddie steal from his mother. Of COURSE he had to bed Delores not to go to the Gardai - why? Because he recons that he wouldn't las tin jail - that he would die. Well the dramatic bollox. What you think you are just that sexy that you'll be raped to shreads? To be honest with ya Wayne, not if you were to bend over naked, pre-lubed and wearing a 'insert here' sign would you get any in prison..........

Have you ever hear of the Eifel Tower position?

Eddie, Colley and some head rape

Eddie is a creepy fucking slimeball. Curtains died in the early 00's but he didn't seem to hear about that. Apart from having horrific hair he spends the rest of his time sorting out 'investments'. No explanation - just 'investments'. And in the entire time he has been there only one investment came off in anyone's favour - Paul's random windfall.

He convinced poor gobshite Wanyne to rob some money from Delores. Wayne had no idea Delores had almost a million in the bank. Eddie managed to steal it. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong but SURELY internet banking is a little more difficult than stealing someone's laptop and clicking the transfer button? Well, not in Fair City - rob a laptop, clear the bank account.

Olly Murs Pete and Delores cheer Wayne up with an amazing performance of big fish, small fish, carsboard box

But Eddie's criminal ways caught up with him. Crazy Collie found out about the money he stole from Delores and wanted it for himself and Flynn. Again,the shocking disgrace that is the security of internet banking helped In this case they didn't even need bank information - they just clicked the transfer button and the internet automatically knew what shit was going down. After that Collie gave Eddie a right bating. He leathered him so hard that Eddie no longer had the ability to wear suits and had to hobble around Carrigstown in a hoody.

In the end Eddie admitted everything to his mother who then squealed on him to the Gardai. This resulted in 2 of the most hilarious near batings in Fair City history. The first is Eddie about to attack his mother for calling the Gardai. He physically went after her, with the gards there looking at him. THEN came Christies attempt at a slap - "YOU ATTACKED ME" swinging for him with big crazy Christie eyes wide open. Sadly his slap missed:(

Paul Brennan is now the SMUGGEST cunt in the world. He got money from 'the investment' and clearly bought some bollocky bastard pills. Every sentance has a snappy retort and an eyebrow raise. He'll get his comeuppance when that pious little gick of a child of his Rachel develops a heroin addiction/finds prostitution

Vivienne is stalking around after Paddy, trying to stop him getting work or a place to live. I actually LOVE Paddy Bishop. He'e fucking hilarious - constantly calling Vivienne and Charlotte 'his favourite girls' particularly finny since he used to bate the shite outta Viv. She loves the irony in that too you can tell.

Quick news:

Smokes the fags Carol can't afford nappies but has a hape of fags. Louis isn't sending her money for loads more fags the baby so she has enlisted the help of Bob and is swapping insults with Yvonne. Yvonne's natural state is prime cunt isn't it? That beure is never actually happy. The happiest she has actually been in years was when her mother died


Did Carol always sound like such a man?

Tommy and Judith broke up, this had made me realise Tommy LOVES twitching and nodding

And finally Orla's extentions are fucking horrific. She looks like her head was raped.

Yo.............

Tommy is gonna start bating Judith. He wanted her to bone his brother, in fact he fucking set the whole thing up, but he's acting the flute now. Imagine that, telling your wife to sit on your brother then not being able to think of her in the same way? Madness. And Tommy, you should really try and remember the fact that he's been quite the flanderer in his day. Anyway - batings for Judith. I obviously do not agree with domestic violence in most cases, but if you could bather her creepy bulgy fish eyes back into her eye sockets.........

Those two need to break up. When your defence is 'I chose you over him' and that him is a brother, well you're FAR too fucked up. Not to mention your son is growing more and more like Wilson from House by the fucking DAY - how has no one noticed this?

The Bishops father is back, kind of a surprise they left it this long to get him on. Favourite thing about the man is the fact he looks like someone bit his nose and it's been sewn back on. I think, for some crazy reason he wants to reunite with my aunt Marie Mary Harney Vivienne. I mean, of course, she's a sexy sexy sexy woman. I often wonder myself what whose strange blonde highlights might look like from behind...........

Viv, about the flick the bean, while looking at herself in a mirror. Sexy lady........

Wayne convinces Delores he needs 600 euro for a date. He didn't, but she believed him. That's a fucking prostitute Delores gave him money for. Wayne is that pathetic that his own MOTHER belives he needs prostitute money, and is willing to give it to him. Instead he just needed her to get online so that he and Eddie could steal money from her for an investment. And investment which is GUARANTEED to end up in shite.

Wayne really is fucking pathetic. Even his sisters managed to have exciting deaths - druggy Jessica overdosing at 3 years old and Wizard of Fucking Oz Loraine getting killed in a tornado, Wayne can't even manage that. Poster boy for patheticness

And WHERE the FUCK did Delores get a million euro from? She hasn't worked only voluntarily in years. I believe she had been running one of those home cam businesses. The ones where middle ages housewives have a cam in their house and they do the ironing with their tits out. Can just see her now - red pubes a flaming while she hoovers the apartment in the nip.

I truly love Fair City.......

Judith, a bit of advice, woman to bulgy eyed woman. You are aware you're being hate fucked by your brother in law? He is only throwing it in you in an attempt to piss off Tommy. It's like watching a 3some doing the Eiffel Tower - except they are giving each other the finger instead - furiously humping while mouthing across 'You're dead!' at each other. Just picture that - I see Gyppo Ray D'Arcy 'at the rear'.

Just out of view - Tommy giving Judith face while getting POUNDED by his brother.......

Doug and his friend Ama - Every so often we have to hear about the homeless in Dublin. Used to be Malachy fucking about in the shelter being the most pious bastard in the land, but now it's handome, handsome Doug saving the day. He found squatter Ama in the office and decided to help her out. Sorry for you Doug, but Ama wants Damian. (Also, ha ha squatting)

You can let her gope your 'buns' all ya want - she ain't gonna let ya bone her

Valentines day - well Dermot got left. Which was freaking hilarious. Ben had planted cards for him and Jo and through hilarious mishaps Dermotsche ended up thinking that his was from Meave ( Because she's been sending nothing but sex signals his way....) And he ended up making a right flute of himself in public trying the case. All hilarious. But MORE hilarious was how Ben managed to set up the whole thing. Problems here:
1. Where does a child get the money for cards - Cards are actually expensive and the little bastard got 2
2. WHAT special case eegit doesn't know the difference between a child writing and an adults? Especially their own child's writing?
3. WHAT space cadet adult would think OTHER adults would be into the whole secret Valentines shite

But the BEST part was watching Ben. He planted the cards then hung out near them, only to perform an evil, smug glare when the bait was taken. Creepy as ALL shit! (The part we didn't see what he also left out condoms, KY and a sticky copy of Gulp Fiction on the bedside locker)

CREEPY  little fucker.........

Has Damian's hair always been so, homosexual?