We need to talk......

This Katy situation, while lengthy, has had moments of sheer brilliance. Last week it peaked, the final Reservoir Dogs meets Saw episodes. Ciaran managed to swap Katie out of the kidnap cubby and put Michael in. The wake up scene with Michael screaming, lads, was genuinely fecking awesome. The place was somehow barer then when Katie was there, (Ciaran, for all his faults, is quite the DIY genius) there was a deep sense of fear, enclosure, terror. Then the Jason and Kylie "Especially for you" of it all - Michael and Katie, everything would be so much easier if they knew what the other was doing, Ciaran in the middle pulling the strings. It was all a bit daft, but there were parts it was genuinely working!

Then ,this clip of Heather may be one of my favourite ever moments in Fair City - not part of the Katy scenario specifically, but hilarious all the same. There must be nothing worse than being a natural cunt then getting a brain injury that means you say the first thing that comes into your head. Asshole tourettes. This is epic hilarity out of Heather

Then there are, eh, other moments

Katy's fucking wig for one. How VERY incognito of them - The two of them thinking they'll escape Carrigstown with him Quasiomodo'ing about, bleeding all over the shop and her looking very much the ropey transvestite.

There they are now, looking as normal and as incognito as possible, sure no would would pass a blind bitta notice to the pair.

I think of the attempted escape clips, the ones CLEARLY fucking recorded on the grounds of RTE are the best of all. The same pillars used by RTE for their fucking reports, Caitlyn and Quazy must have been quite the fucking sight. I'm going to watch the news later in the hopes I catch a glimpse of the two of them jujjing behind Brian Dobson later on. Just Dobbo gettin knocked over by Ciaran as he hobbles bleedily by......

Could they not have gone around the back at least? Some of the most recognisable areas in the country, especially for watchers of RTE...

Delighted they finally furnished Deegan with a Garda buddy. Poor fucker had the weight of every crime in Carrigstown on his shoulders. Enter the new Garda, Garda BigCunt McGeeBag to the rescue. Perpetuating the Fair City stereotype that women have to be "Wagons" to be in anyway useful, and determined to solve crime with bitchy remarks and general bad humor. This character goes 1 of 2 ways - stays a right cunt and is sent off to the land of the periodically returning characters, or mellowed to a completely unrecognisable character to shoehorn her into storylines later....... 

Back to the story, that ending..... Sorry about the spoilers, but here is a genuine recap of the end of Ciaran:

After a harrowing year long kidnap, a Stockholm Syndrome ravaged Katie decides she is Ciaran's bessie mate and the two of them embark on a great escape, all the way from RTE studios in Donnybrook to Dun Laoghaire. Once in Dun Laoghaire they decide the best place to hang out is off by the edge of the pier, and low and behold, Mr. Steady on his feet Ciaran just falls the fuck in

Just fell in....... The man who was dying, who Katie had to DRAG along Dublin, decided he should stand beside the water

I know if I was down by a pier with a dude on deaths door, practically translucent from blood loss I'd leave him swaying, teetering ,by himself, TWO FEET FROM THE SEA

And in she jumped after him. Screaming "Ciaran Noooooo"

And so ends the saga. Presumably Katie is dragged from the sea and Ciaran meets an untimely end. And with his fall, the closing of a chapter on the whole thing

Jibes and lolz, FC wil ensure we have to endure the Stolkholm Syndrome storyline for fucking ages because now they've done one thing that got the country talking, they'll strangle the last bit out of the whole thing..........

Days of Our Lives

I'm sure anyone who has read this blog knows that I take FC with a pinch of salt, and delight in the silliness and their aspirations to be Eastenders or Corrie. I never thought they'd stoop to American Soap Opera, I mean, they've touched on it, but never really got there.

Enter 2016/2017

Firstly, the kidnapping, in fairness, it's too long winded, too fat fetched and for fuck sake end already

But mostly, it's Dermot and the liver transplant. Anyone in Ireland who knows anyone on a transplant list, been on a transplant list, or had a brain for 5 minutes should realise that this is NOT how things work. Dermot is only sick about 5 minutes. I have no doubt that there are certain cancers for which transplants are the fix, I'm no medical expert obvs, but I can see that that might have certain truth.
However, I really REALLY disagree with a nurse just wandering in "They have a liver, it's a match, you'll be heading soon, huzzah". It's not that easy. There are false alarms, near misses, waiting, tests, etc etc. They're not going to fucking show the whole thing - but at least the similar story in Eastenders deals with that.

It's so damn lazy! They wanted to give Dermotsch the bif dramatic storyline, but couldn't actually deal with killing him off. It was done in such a rush job they might as well have sent him to a fucking faith healer.

Seriously, they almost killed a central character off (who wasn't ALREADY DEAD) and he received a miraculous liver transplant. Why am I even surprised........

Next step - someone back from the dead! Or Barry gets released from prison. I'd actually really like that......

AND, while this is going on, they always have the good old bug issue sideline story - this time its.....

CORRUPTION IN DRIVING INSTRUCTORS!! Big issues there lads. A couple of lines over Christmas about the homeless (which was overshadowed by Kerry-Anne's ridiculousness anyway) but a multiple day storyline about the RSA logbooks, something which has been part of getting a licence in Ireland for over 4 years.........

As part of getting a driving licence in Ireland, you have to complete 12 driving lessons (Farcical! Money Rackett! Blah! Complaint! I love to complain! Fuck trying to improve road safety, it's the government trying to swindle us! Grrrr Arrrg!!!) 

Robbie's Mam is learning to drive, Ray is teaching her. She's trying to get him to sign her log bog to say she's done the 12 lessons, KerryAnne looks on all wide eyed and disgusted, and I laugh at the fucking ridiculousness of it all....... Of there'll be a moral of the story here.

A lil trip down memory lane......

So, in a conversation online, I saw a load of people question where Paul got all his kids from, and it got me thinking............

WHO GOT A SEX TROPHY FROM PAUL?
Rachel - Helen
Callum - Jane
Oisin - Niola
Ruth - Yvonne

Paul has 4 children (That we KNOW of.......) from 4 different baby mammas - let's talk about how these things happened

Rachel - well Rachel was the daughter of Paul and his much loved Helen, Bella Doyle's daughter. Helen was at one stage engaged to be married to a man called Mike, but jilted him at the alter for Paul

Mike: You know this means I'm entitled to anal now?

Helen: Ehhhhhhh......

Ruth - SPEAKING of Mike...... Once left by Helen, Mike decided to stay around, and low and behold what did he find? Yvonnes gee!! Yes, only Helen's very own sister!! So on he hopped and off they went. They eventually broke up, and he fucked off. Leaving Yvonne to bone about and tuna bump as she wished. Along her little RIDE along, she had a little peen on vej action with Paul, and VOILA - Ruthie!!! Poor Niamh can't have kids, and found it in her heart to keep Paul's love child as she couldn't have her own.

(Yes, 2 sisters, shared 2 men, and both had kids with 1 of those men)

Paul then tried to press them together like Barbies "KISS. EACH. OTHER"

Oisin - Before Niamh, Paul was married to the utterly shrill, sharp and bony Nicola. They all worked together with Donal in Blue Dolphin, omputer boffins that they are! Now, in Blue Dolphin Paul boned Niamh, and Nicola, THEN Nicola also boned Donal - Blue movie more like - am I right!! While they weren't inserting floppy discs into each other's ports they were 'creating packages' for all of Dublin - forever with the packages...... Anyway, while married to Nicola they produced spawn, called Oisin, the slimy result of which can be seen on our screens now (Oisin, not the spunk slime or anything like that.....)

Young Entrepreneur Oisin tryin to sell his mother

Callum - Out of the blue, along comes Callum. The result of a 1 night stand with Jane years ago. It's the normal route - Girl meets boy, boy impregnates boy, Girl has baby boy, Baby boy grows up and finds Dad, Mother moves to live nearer son, son leaves, mother stays for fuck all reason.............

In Paul's ridey defence - the ONE time he resisted riding, he was accused and blackmailed about it any - suppose it just proves he might as well keep it up (IT, being his penis)

Katie and the never fucking ending kidnapping

Has anyone ever felt so sorry for a kidnapper as you have for Ciaran? I swear to God I hope he gets away with it - poor cunt, with the dead sister and all. He managed to talk Eoghan O'Brien down from a literal ledge, in a sad shadow of what no one could do for his own sister. Although she was technically kidnapped, he was mostly lovely to Katie, with moments of sweetness and care you can see he had most likely, previously reserved for his own younger sister. Doesn't hurt he's a big old ride as well........... Not sure I'd be half as enamoured had Michael kidnapped someone.......

Speaking of which, Michael is the biggest gimp in the world - 1. Sort yourself out ya clown and take of that FUCKING jumper  2. Get the chip off yer shoulder 3. Man up and stop being such a selfish son of a bitch.

Background to the kidnapping
Cathal, as a character - what a WANK BAG. He blames the O'Briens for the death of his father (the crime lord and all round horrible fuck who, to be honest, didn't even seem to like Cathal.) so makes it his life business to ruin their lives, make shit horrible for them, and bank wank all over their already shitty time of it.
At the same time, Ciaran has a hatred of Michael O'Brien - who dumped his little sister years ago, and she then took her own life. He blames Michael for the whole thing and kidnapped Katie as revenge, to make Michael feel what he felt. To make him feel responsible for his sisters dissapearance. unfortunately, Michael, while giving a fuck, mostly just acted the weak gobshite and ignored the whole situation

Paul Shagbag Brennan gets his CUMuppance (Get it?)
AND my favourite part - Eggy headed Paul Brennan looks like he MIGHT finally be getting what he deserves.
Or.... well, what he DESERVES is a bog kick to his presumable rotting from STI's crotch. SUCH a bad case of OCD - Overactive Cock Disorder. I have a theory tho, maybe he's NOT the whoremeister we think - he possibly just has undiagnosed Parkinsons and just vibrates his way into vaginas?

Niamh has finally been thrown over the edge. Too many affairs Paul, too many affairs....... I dunno how these two have ever had time to ride each other they've had to many affairs (mainly him, granted) Maybe that's the real reason Niamh can't get pregnant - he's already emptied the tank around the place earlier.

Actual footage of one of Paul's beatches

Luckily for Niamh, Dermotsch is riddled with liver cancer and has moments left to live!!! For actual fuck sake tho, I know she's helping him too, but SUCH a horrible bit of opportunism. The pair have managed to take all of Paul's money and have it 'resting' in their account. I really really  want them to get away with it all. He's such a hateful little shite, how he pulls so many women, I'll never know. 

And I know, I know, I've given him a hard time in the past, but poor Ben must have the unluckiest life in Carrigstown - abandoned by his bio Mum, only to be adopted by fucking Jo of all people, then he parents split up a few times, he gets a life threatning disease, his mother leaves his father for good and THEN his father dies...... Poor lil cunt

Still annoying as all fuck that kid tho.......

Oh, Meredith...........

We need to talk about Meridith. What the actual fuck is she?

I think that the character is intended  to be a whirlwind of American sex appeal and glamour.
She is in fact a terrible Jessica Rabbit-esque character. Sounds like a compliment, but I can assure you, it's not. What looks like a sexy walk on the cartoon, is very different when undertaken by a middle aged woman, surrounded by the most Irish of Irish actors. She walks out of a room swinging her arse from side to side, and I swear, I'm worried she's going to knock nearby children and send them flying. She doesn't have a big arse, just she's that ridiculous.

Luckily, Meredith has a rich backstory to enjoy, and was introduced as a character years before she swaggered onto our screens. The thought, foresight, planning an genius!! Imagine this: Wayne, young and virile, married an exotic dancer in Vegas one night........ And, eh, ya, it's Meredith!

Oh, yes, how could this go without further delving into this sophisticate and exploring the character fully..........

When Meredith arrived in (fairly fucking randomly enough) Carrigstown, she made short work of becoming buddies with Wayne's wife and family. She wrangled a wedding invite from Doug to the big double wedding of the year and proceeded to NOT only entertain everyone there with her brash American ways, but to be invited to sing at the wedding reception. Not only that, but Delores and Orla were positively enchanted with her.
Imma just call bullshit on that.
I have an Irish Mammy, so my thoughts on Delores' reaction to Meredith's ridiculousness at the wedding, well it's bullshit.
Just please, imagine being at a wedding. An Irish wedding, full of aunts and uncles, friends, the priest, grandparents, the lot. And this random, loud, flamboyant stranger decides to sit at your table, flirt outrageously, talk of exotic dancing, and fling her tits around in skimpy clothes.

Now think of your Mam's reaction.......... Seriously, think about it.

Is it a big happy head, and clapping, as Dramatico El Whoro continues to drape herself across 20 year old Doug, all heaving bosom and winks? Nah, it's not.......
Poor Doug has it bad as well. Meredith has an exotic dancing show, and he went every night. There are better ways to pay for getting your rocks off. Also, does he just sit there being all horny? Or leave immediately for a wank? These are things I think about when you hear of men going to strip clubs. Don't worry, I'm not against them, I just don't understand the boner logistics - you surely can't wank there? And then by the time you get home, surely you've lost the horn? Or am I missing the point?

Heh, point...........

Kerri-Anne is such a dose. No seriously, she is the biggest pain in the hole ever. I know I'm repeating myself, but her whole existence since she arrived is to be a girlfriend, speak only of love/relationships/boys and over pronounce the s at the end of every sentenccccccccccccccce. Once you hear this, you can no longer unhear itshhhhhhhhhhhhh.
She fell in love with Decco, but has made the poor cunt jump through the most daft hoops. Unless everything is fairy tale perfect she throws a diva strop, all doe eyes and victim chat. Just the most annoying shite, e.g. she made him think she was standing him up at the alter, just for him to bend over backwards to tell her he loved her, from behind the door of Leos. Just pointless, he proposed, he let you demand a faster wedding, he's a fan, just put the fucking dress on ya sickener! It's utterly grating, especially when paired with the pronunciation issue she hasssss.

For this rushed, needlessly drama filled wedding, a whole heap of the Bishops arrived for the wedding, including the original and still the best - Zumo. I actually really like the Bishop family, without KerriAnne obviously. She's too needy, moral, and makes Decco an awful pleb with all his pandering. Bring back the granny, throw out KA, and bring back Zumo's massive face lump!

In other news Zumo transformed himself over in Spain. He does look great, but STAP WITH THE EYEBROWS!! Fucking hell, he's got brows that would make an instagramer jealous!

Finally, clearly Paul is about to ride Farrah. Her kiss with Wayne was clearly the gateway affair to the full on ridey affair with Paul. And as for Paul, well he rarely goes too long without riding or impregnating someone, so really, it's been on the cards for a while now. Basically all that's left to happen is how, and more importantly, how they get found out.
My bet is on expertly taken dick pics: Farrah, living out the photography dream, accidentally adds beautifully lit sepia coloured photos of Paul's Penis.

Classy tho, sunsets in the background and whatnot.......

Affairs and internet worries

Genuine theory!!!
Pat Mustard from Father Ted fame - is ACTUALLY future Tommy Dillon! I have noticed the similarities before, but it looks like Tommy is starting on Carrigstown affair No. 2 - the tentative steps towards becoming the MILF-float-fucker from Craggy Island!! It's like we're watching a prequel! Shagman Begins! He starts as a love lorn lover, and evolves into the energetic bone bananza man through a series of married women. Not all supermen wear a cape lads.

On the topic of his new affair with Debbie........
Now I've never had an affair (clearly my boyfriend reads this......) but I know if I DID, I'd put clothes on BEFORE leaving the sex stank room I just bumped uglies in. Debbie was basically still wiping herself off as she came out of the room. Where is the subtlety lads? Is it not enough to have them kiss and go into a room, and emerge after? Instead they have to come out stuffing their genitals back into their clothes - Irish public couldn't have worked it out alone.

And Dermot........ Ah here, I know that hi wife randomly left him for another man, but calm your tits dude. He's the Nancy Drew of Tommy Dillon's balls - magnifying glass out looking for clues. He's about to uncover the uber secretive duo if its the last thing he does!

TOPIC OF THE WEEK!! DANGERS OF THE INTERNET
When it rains it pours - everyone has downloaded a dating app. It's called Just Dating, genuinely disapointed - the last time our Carrigstown buddies used an hilarious version of Bebo - I think it was Meemo, or Debo, something hilarious anyway - I was hoping for Twinder, or Plenty of Pork, or Flinder...... This is in addition to Katie meeting a girl who is shady about deleting her Facebook. More generic and easy to predict storylines to come.......... Catfishing and bullying. You heard it here first.

Oisin Attacks

There has been such a hiatus in my blog posts I have no idea where to start!

The major storylines of the moment revolve around Rachel, Paul and Oisin, the 1916 Rising, Dan wanting to come back to Carrigstown and giving Ama another man related storyline - that's all she's there for. FFS.
For now, I'll deal with the Rachel shite

To backup a little bit, Rachel went on holiday and got that fringed jacket she never takes off herself, a boyfriend and the work ethic and business smarts of her auld lad.
Pierce and Rachel looked as though they were going to be the world's most amazing and perfect couple, but things turned sour fast. In a couple of days they went from business-running power-couple, to Pierce robbing her and pissin off to Australia.
We haven't heard the last of him, and you can be guaranteed that the cock-struck Rachel will be back swinging off him as soon as he is back.
Currently, the world has thrown her a shocking deal and she's all empowered and whatnot - off to rule with an iron fringe and be the epitome of strong woman (until Pierce comes back and she decides it's sound to take back the lad who stole from you and ran away to Australia )

For now, Rachel 'Trump' Brennan has put all her hopes, dreams and energy into The Pod - the overnight success hostel her Daddy gave her. She's all BOOM, business idea here, BAM, making contacts there, and WHOMP-cunning-decision-making all over the shop
ALAS, along comes Oisin to stir the shite pot.

Shocked to learn that another one of his kids is a fuck bucket, Paul is on a mission to get him on the straight and narrow. Little does he know that Oisin and Nicola have all this planned in order to get in on that sweet sweet Brennan money. I've a feeling that Nicola may be wanting more than his money - unless he has attached all that money to his cock.

Little known fact, the actor who now plays Oisin is the same actor who played the woman at the start of Mars Attacks. Fact.









Slight segue - I know that Oisin has been in Cork for the past few years, but I would presume that Paul at least visited him? They seem to be fucking meeting each other for the first time.  And how many kids does poor barren Niamh have to stepmother? For a lad married to a woman with an ornamental vagina he's got a hape of kids out there. Not only this, but the absence of the all powerful baldy headed semen slingshot of North Dublin clearly turns kids into evil little shites.