Relationship advice from the pros

Jo went to the most hilarious school reunion ever. Utter American cheesy bollox. Romy and Michelle style. Jo used to get bullied by the popular girl. Enter slender shoulders Dermotsche making up stories about owning a chain of restaurants and the like. Mean Girl #1's husband gets a little handsy with Jo and she catches him. What does she do? Piss her shite laughing with Jo about how they are all failures in life. Not a bother, cheaty husband, off ya go, we'll have the chat later, giggle giggle.

Cunt never takes off the flasher Mac either

Speaking of relationships - Fair City were out to give everyone relationship advice
First up Pete got advice from the new drunk doctor. Pete is finding it hard to tent pitch now that Dolores is receiving treatment for cancer. That's kinda fair enough. Fucking hard time that. Then the doctor gave him fairly good fucking advice too -  to tell Dolores the truth about his feelings about her and her cancer. Her reaction was to dump him and throw him out. Done. Moral of the story? Never tell your beure the truth damnit!

Then Doug and Amma. Doug has been trying to get his leg over Amma for some time now. Amma has been prick teasing poor Doug, hardcore friendzoning him. Doug pretended to have a date for valentines (he did, a date with a bottle of Durex Sweet Strawberry lube and Pornhub) and it got Amma all kinds of bothered. Sup boys - treat em mean, keep em keen. Man, I bet she'd be all fucking instructional riding him 'No Doug, I do not think that is correct. Please take that out of there' 'Yes Doug, please keep going, this is all very satisfactory and I think I might be about to experience the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension' (You'll need to mentally add Amma's voice to that......)

Ama leans in and whispers 'Fancy pegging?'

A journalist mysteriously shows up in town to do a piece on the Charity Shop. Man are charity shops fucking interesting. Fucking hell I love nothing more than a charity shop story. RAGIN she decided to go with the angle of  'Person in charity shop grows up not mental after Father kills mother then kills self' cause that's been done to death like! OH! And! The journalist - pure lesbian. Not that she's done anything inherently 'lesbian' yet - but lingering looks at Laura show you what's coming. (I dunno what's inherently lesbian in the Fair City world - Yvonne was a lesbian, so, eh maybe being a lesbian means sitting on a pile of dicks? Not sure, I'll ask) The journalist WAS meant to be doing a story on the charity shop - but then realised that this was THE Halpin family - of the murder suicide story. Oh, and the journalist just HAPPENED to be on the bridge the day Marty died............. Coincidences are strangely rife at times

Laura with her apprentice lesbian foundling. That's how it works yeah? Yeah. Foundling isn't getting ANYWHERE with those moves......

Damien never takes his bands out of his pocket. Never. What's he DOING in there? Bitta side wanking? Is side wanking a thing? It should be. If' I'd a dick I'd be side wanking all day long. I'd be a terrible human being as a man. Ball fondling must be so much fun.........

Charlotte is back and man she'll do anything to get the ride from Callum. She left Spain to come back and try and trick Callum into, I dunno, falling in love with her? She's going to be dangerous. Bit of a compulsive liar, and already killed her father (even if it WAS justified, this is a soap so she won't be allowed to do that and just live a normal life)

She needs to realise Callum is a teenage boy. She just needs to say 'Hey, fancy getting your dick wet?' and I'm 90% sure she'll get it.........

Charlotte shifts Callum as Decco looks on and considers furiously masterbating now, or later

Cha cha now y'all

Yvonne and Carol are in some weird game of swapsies over Dan.
That's how love works ya see. Partners are interchangeable dependant on circumstance. Can't be bothered going all the way to your boyfriends house? Well ex-bae is only 3 doors up.... Dump boyf for the afternoon, note to self to get him back when location changed, It's more convenient for Carol if Yvonne has Dan, so, she just gives him to her.

Since he came to Far City he flirted with both, decided on Carol. Threw her round on his cock for a while. They spilt after deciding they weren't right for each other, clearly the real love was between him an Yvonne. So off they went to have a happy life together. But a quick fling put paid to that. And Dan did (confusingly) seem to decide his love was with Carol.

Now that he's paralysed, well, basically Carol doesn't want him. Not even leaving it to a stressed out decision after months of being carer. Just a flat out, hands raised 'Nope! Not it!' While Yvonne is mentally fitting out her apartment for his wheelchair, pencil behind the ear, ready for the DIY.

Although Carol has no interest in him without the use of his cock legs, she is pretending to. So clearly she's a lovely lady. I suppose, for the foreseeable, we're just going to have to watch Carol wheeling him passive agressively wheeling him through the streets, while accidentally tipping ashes from her mouth set cigarette onto his poor little baldy head . Right little Florence Cuntingale.

Have you ever had that one friend you're always competing with? Maybe it's a sibling? You always have to get the last word in any argument. Nicola and Niamh are like that. Except it's less getting the last word in any argument, and more getting the last go of Paul's knob in their vagina. As soon as Nicola heard Paul was single, down she came (on his knob). Niamh is killed with jealousy but only because it's Nicola. Poor smug egg head Paul needs to be told neither of them give a flying fuck about him or his strangely conical shaped head.

And then Niamh decides to leave Michael! For what? Cause Rachel is pissy? Cause her and Paul are fighting? Maybe STOP FIGHTING with Paul over Nicola, instead of breaking up with the man you left your family for?! It doesn't even make any sense. Unless she was actively looking for the most stupidly selfless act? She'll achieve nothing bar a cobwebbed fanny from lack of action. Her and Paul are still separated. They still live separately. They kids will all still have to split their time between them.

Remember the drama of the missing Neil? Well in he walks. Not a fucking bother on him. In he walks into the shop where Doug was. Just one or two little plot holes there Fair City dude. How the fuck did he know where Doug was going to be? How did he afford the flight when all his shit was stolen? Why didn't he ring anyone at any stage to say he was coming home?

What level of hungover WERE you to think up this scenario. I think I can imagine the happenings:

"Hey, Mr. writer, we still have Neil missing, but the Dolores cancer storyline is happening?"
Writer lifts his wary head from the table, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels tipped beside him, part of a doner kebab on his face
"ugh srg, grumph....... just have him come back.......to...the, (yawn) shop....."
head back on desk.

SHOCKER - Morbeg Crowley has seen Neil between her postnatal fuelled departure!! More to be revealed, but I mentally inserted a montage of them in London, on the London Eye, picking George Clooney's nose in the Wax Museum, her jumping out from behind something in the London Dungeons and them having a great laugh about it.........

And poor Dolores has breast cancer. I would never make fun of cancer AHEM........ But Fair City does NOT like genitals or sexy bits. From Bella's suspected knob cancer, to Mr Piggot and Flyods separate demise from, again, knob cancer (Ah I know it was prostrate, but ffs, have you READ my shite - of course I'm going to take 'artistic' license) right up to Delores' diseased melons, it's not a good place to have male or female parts.

Let's just have a moments silence for Delores' boobs...........

Boob slap to the left....

 

Boob slap to the right.........

Take it back now Wayne!!!

EXPLOSION!! Or tripped switch? I dunno..........

So Morbeg Crowley and Pete's son is missing. A body was found in London that they have to go and identify. Forgetting Morbeg Crowley left the him as a fucking baby. She's about as qualified to identify him as I am. Spoiler, it's not him. Not that Morbeg Crowley fucking knew. Standing beside Pete crying, watching his reaction to the dead body, changing from nodding to shaking her head as she sees him realise it wasn't Neil.............

'Maybe put the body in a babygrow and I'll see the resemblance' 

Then poor hapless Doug thinks he's in a relationship with Ama. Ama looks positively fucking petrified every time it's mentioned that they might be together, while Doug clearly envisages an Officer and a Gentleman ending, Ama turning up to McCoys, sweeping him off his feet in her nurses uniform......

The truth about Nicola and her ex fiance 'Clar' is out. He didn't leave her, looks like she was on her way to get married, only to learn Paul was single again and turned on her heal straight back, foaming at the gusset for her much loved ex.

'Clar' returned to have it out with Nicola. Noncy bellend as expected. He left thinking Nicola was boning Paul, which they weren't, but got down to straight after he left. The weedy little runt left with his pride hurt, but his heart intact, leaving with the parting comment 'Stay out of Mallow'

OH NO!!!!! NOT BANNED FROM MALLOW! Poor Paul and Nicola's lives will be forever ruined.......

And the dramatic explosion in The Station......

Robbie is sick of Yvonne and Carol fighting so he locked them in the cellar of the station. Cause that's how you deal with problems, as if you're in a shite made-for-TV Lindsay Lohan movie.

They obviously go mental. But don't really bother bangin on the door much. Cause why would you bang on doors when you're trapped inside some place? That's just daft obviously. Nah, bitch and moan at each other and turn on a fan.

'I get claustrophobic' - Carol developed claustrophobia after giving birth to her never seen son Jack in the lift. Something which was never mentioned before, nor will it again. Her claustrophobia showed itself with her flinging shite around.

"I'm claustrophobic! Must fuck kegs across the room! Grr Arg!!!"

Gobshite. This resulted in her flinging a keg ala King Kong from Super Mario, which broke the gas pipe. Cut to regular dramatic views of said pipe and REALLY loud hissing noise. Robbie's plan does start to work a bit, bonding over Dan, slowly losing conscious due to the gas exposure, talking lower, and lower, heads falling.......

THEN! Yvonne wakes! MacGyvering the pipe fixed as a team! THEN they bang on the door. Help comes!!!!

In a flurry of activity they manage to escape, but Dan is left to turn off the gas pipe (from the mains. They basically wrote half the script from the Bord Gais ad), leading to what looked like the most dramatic tripped switch ever.

I was waiting on an explosion, but instead there was a teeny little spark and Dan was thrown across the room.

He might be dead. Or paralysed. OH FC's knocking on the irony door there! (Dan beat up a man who is now severely brain damaged, OH the hilarity irony can be! Alanis Morissette must have forgotten that verse)

Stay tuned!!!!!

Wardrobe challenges...........

Does Yvonne ever wear anything other than black? I get she's an evil character but for fuck sake lads.

After realising Dan threw it in Carol (it being his dick and Carol being the town bike) she decided to string him along for a while, then dumped him. She now has a dastardly plan to get back at the pair of them. So far her plan is to side eye Carol with a 'Go on, tell me the truth face' Poor Carol is the MOST guilty of fuckers ever. Hair pulling, coughing, ahem'ing. I have no idea how she doesn't just burst out with 'OK I BONED HIM, ARE YEH HAPPY'

Next step in the plan is to move in with Carol. Carol should know from this that Yvonne is clearly cooking something evil. Yvonne has had 2 kids and given both away, as ya fucking do. The woman hates children. Let's not forget that one of hers is living in Carrigstown and not a fuck does she give about her welfare. Not a sidewards glance, and she fricking LOVES them. So moving in with Carol and the not-seen-in-2-years Jack is uber suspicious. Also, where the fuck is Jack? Actually forgot for a while there that she HAD a child. She must have some savage creche that takes in boarders.

Carol's feeble excuse to put Yvonne off moving in is that she has to put Jack first. Who? Oh yeah, Jack....... This said with a fag hanging out her mouth. Mother on Carol! Next week she contemplates the importance of Montessori while shootin heroin.

Bella is an interfering old shite. Subtle as a brick asking Yvonne questions about Dan, basically telling her your not going to do much better. Yvonne let him know that Dan did the dirt on her. And his response? He didn't seem the type. Not seen him at your Adulterers Anonymous meetings Bella?

Jane loves getting random money all over the place. Her well dead husband was pure rich and she's just getting the money now. Last week all up in a heap over the money Paul screwed her out of. This week waiting on a windfall.

Getting done over by Paul and an unsuspecting Dermotschhh has let her to make Dermotschhh her newest nemisis. The plaited barmaid has remarkable pull in the accounting world. Dermot's business is fucked. Dermotshhh has a plan tough - he is using Callum as a double agent to change Jane's mind. Paul's disgusted, and warns Dermotschhhh and Jo that they have made a serious mistake, and that Jane will only get worse now!!!!- Dun dun duuuunnnnn. Jane is going to go mental cause Callum is being used? Except he's not really - they've already begger her not to keep up her vandetta. So she sould really be particularly surprised that they would ask someone close to her to have word? OH THOSE BASTARDS! .............. Not sure I see it.......

Doug and Alma may be the worst actors on the show. I know, that's like picking out the turd that made the smell, but I think they are. Just had to watch them having the most awkward theatre style conversation ever. Tip of the cap to Ama's WONDEROUS look around the street when Doug congratulated her on being a nurse again. They were all high inflection and ott reactions. A common trait in FC sending away people is that they can do whatever the fuck they want with them once they return i.e. change the actor to someone completely different, or in this case create a sexual tension/budding romance never mentioned before. Can't wait to see two of the most insignificant actors in the soap awkwardly act out a romance. And honestly WHY is Ama still there? She hasn't had a storyline in about a year!

Delores is walking her boyfriend into an affair with ex wife Morbeg Crowley. She's begging Pete to spend time with Morbeg Crowley. Cop ON will ya! Does Delores not know her life is shitty and nothing goes well?

Maybe she should have suggested a comedy gig? NOT ROBERT PLANT YOU CUNT

Doug finally decides that his estranged mother Morbeg Crowley (I'm really pushing that as a nickname, I know) deserves a second chance. Their first meeting went well, and Delores offers her apartment to them to have the lols n bants. What could possibly ruin this reunion? Morbeg Crowley bringing up some particularly tough part of the past? Morbeg Crowley acting like a mother when Doug is an independent man who don't need no Mam? Nope, Robert Plant tickets. Morbeg Crowley ( Ok, ok I'll stop.......) offers to bring him to the concert which is genuinely happening in Dublin - and Doug takes it BAAAD. Again, not fully sure I follow the anger in this

And in hilarious news, Cass is getting Charlie into couch surfing. Pensioners, taking in hippies who can't be fucked paying for as much as a hostel. Fucking couch surfing. Then makes him feel lousy for not doing it. Cass, ya brown pleather coat wearing gobshite.

 Brown

 Pleather

 Wearing

Gobshite........

Carrie on retardless

Pete and Delores are getting all happy and romantic. All talk of weddings and honeymoons in Paris. Too happy for Delores............ Remember, this is the woman with 2 dead daughters, a dead husband, an infertile son and has recently had to go back to work as her gobshite son lost all her money, life does not go well for Mrs I-bite-my-fist-when-worried/aroused.

AND.........

Pete's ex wife is oh so suspiciously back. Played by the one and only Carrie Crowley. Still the sexiest of the Morbegs. And where was she for the last 20 or whatever years? Only off being homeless, doing sordid things, losing her memory for a few years - living the life of Riley apparently. And the best part? All this took place up the road from her husband and kids. If only FC did montages - scenes of Pete changing nappies and dragging shopping bags and all that kinda shite mixed in with scenes of Carrie doing coke off a Morbegs tits and fellating Bosco (Bosco WAS a boy boys n girls!) Then her and and Zig and Zag doing a naked conga line behind Pete as he changes a tire in the rain.

Pete's exwife, Carrie Crowley. She looked different in the 90's

Paul is back to being the ultimate villain. For a while the OTT villain used to be Bob, but he got reduced to kindly restaurant owner. Niamh got what she wanted, i.e. Michael so he's having a go at Jane. AT her not ON her - he's just trying to get money outta her, not fanny. Using Dermot, in one of the most frustratingly stupid set ups. He pretended to sell her a house and then yawwwwnn......... I'm so fucking BORED. Dermot is in the middle, being threatened and blackmailed by Paul and Jane separately. Enter Dermots adoptochild trying to warn Jane off Dermot. Paul's already got a pile of money, he's just being a cunt now. Which I suppose is what a villain does. But does he HAVE to fucking growl. Listen to him - he is so into his own bullshit that he spits out his angriest lines as a growl. People in real life are forever like that. I hear Mountjoy sounds like a fucking zoo..........

In real life Paul is a successful entrepreneur. He makes giant ref's whistles that double as dildos - for the ref who doesn't have time for TWO separate products

Remember Yvonne? She found out her boyfriend cheated on her, so instead of confronting him, dumping him, or even talking to him, she just pissed off for a while. Dan hasn't heard from his girlfriend in weeks and isn't properly suspicious yet. Eventually get's a 'Everything is fine' text. No smilies, no nathing. HOW does he not know from this?! Fuck sake, read a Shemazing article Dan - never EVER think shit's ok when a woman says I'm fine. It's a rule or something. That OR the fact she pissed off randomly and hasn't rang you since. One of them is a sign.........

Oh Kerri-Fucking-Anne. Why is she still here? Her and Mondo I suppose are getting back together? Cause that's her function, being Mondo's girlfriend and having pigtails. And creaming the beaver over nail polish. Meanwhile Mondo is morphing into Decco, or Decco is morphing into Mondo. They're slowly turning into the same person..................

Stroke, coke and lead pipes

The 25th Anniversary episodes were honestly some of the best TV I have ever seen. For the usual Fair City reasons. The main story lines were Christy dying, Paul and Niamh splitting and Dan and Carol burning out a car to save Dan from the Guards. It was actually epic.

After an Eastenders' style ending the previous night, the episode opened on Niamh telling Paul that she's been sexin' Michael, is in love with him and is leaving Paul to move in with him across the road. (Cause Dublin has no other areas and commuting doesn't exist)

DELIGHTED this was referenced again

They had some inside rowing, then Paul decided to take this shit to the streets. With Niamh practically dragging off his leg he went screaming through the streets looking for Michael. Michael was over in his mammy's discussing the in's and out's of his home wrecking, so Paul returned to rowing with Niamh on the street.

Jibes about Niamh's barrenness were the highlight. That's it Paul, kick her right in the womb! (Metaphorically, not like a cunt punch or anything, although that would have really made the scene POP. )

Thankfully, Michael eventually turned up.

Then, like it was a fucking film, batings in the street with a lead pipe ensued. Best fight ever. With ninja quick reflexes Michael managed to dodge each and every one of baldy headed STREET FIGHTER Paul's shots. Rachel finally stopped the fighting when she THREW herself in front of the lead pipe (I'm over using the words head pipe, I'm just still so shocked they went with it......)

Wow, see Rachel put herself in danger to stop the fight? Possibly she didn't want to see her father in jail? Maybe she just hated fighting? Maybe it was the violence she abhorred? Nope, wet crotch Rachel only bothered about her horn for Michael. I hope she rides him at a later date.

Yvonne finally finishes the fight when she announces that Ruth is now safe in Michael and Niamh's flat, and that it's over Paul!!! Eh, I thought they were fighting over Niamh's ginge minge? Turns out Paul was on a quest to find his daughter as the residents tried to get her to a safe house. So he took the defeat and let Niamh run off with Micheal.

. 

Paul V Michael Screen shot. 

As a side note they treat Ruth like it's real life. The child is completely unaware that she's doing anything more than fecking about at random kitchen tables drawing shit. Niamh is the worst.That child is going to be so fucked.

Over with the Phelans, Christy is still PHELAN rough (GET IT!) Farrah's husband Max is now the caregiver. Doesn't even have lines, he just gets told to bring Christy for baths and wipe his mouth. Or stands there looking uncomfortable. Christy went straightfrom hating being cared for and hating losing his independence to being the most entitled stroke victim ever. Max just staring at him, look of hatred on his face while Christy calls for him,  Maa-ahh-aaaxxx, like a child. Well he got his chance to get one over on him. Christy suffered another stroke while sitting on the couch, tried to stand up, fell over, and from the looks of things died straight away. Max saw all this and still went to the pub. Such was his hatred for Christy he couldn't even help him. I know being a carer is hard work Max, but maybe don't let them die day 1?
The problem with this is that Max is such a non character, why bother giving him the story? Within the same episode they made him carer, a carer who hated his position and then, not so much a murderer but a huge prick at least. All the while barely any lines. I don't get it.

It's important to act fast with stroke. Please refrain from having a pint before dealing with a stroke victim. What's that? Premier League started? Eh, maybe ring FROM the pub? Leave the door on the latch or something. Be grand

So off he goes to the pub. In fairness to him he sat there shiftily. No one noticed of course, but he gave the whole 'I may have just killed my father in law look' at every chance. ( You KNOW the look, it's a classic)
Farrah is obsessed with pints. And a grandchild for her Da. Because "They're well set up" How so? Both just back in the country, neither even with jobs, her with a clear alcohol dependence and a father (who she doesn't realise is in fact dead) trying with difficulty to recover from a stroke. PERFECT TIMING! Would have been silly having that baby over in New Zealand when  you both had permanent jobs and no disabled parents.

And a warning to everyone in Carrigstown. DO NOT FALL OVER IN THAT HOUSE. This is the self same living room that Turlough died in, in that horrific table death that was totally believable.
You fall in that house, it's certain death.

PUNTASTIC ALERT- Robbie and Dan's hatred and rivalry upped a level with Robbie setting Dan up, filling his car with cocaine and calling the Guards. Unaware that Trampy Drew Carol was off helping to save the day, Robbie stopped off in The Station for a drink. When asked what he wanted, Robbie relied, with a smirk "Coke". And I shed a single tear.

Like I said, Carol came in her transit van full of shite to save the day. SUCH DRAMATIC SCENES. Dan has a car full of coke because of Robbie! Can't go to the Guards! What next!!! Burn out the car, run from the fucking explosion (I'm not even fucking joking, they Bruce Willis'ed ALL over that shit), hide out in Carol's shitty transit and Adrenaline fuck. of course!!!!!!!

During the car burning scenes adenaline junky Carol got all all lip licky and nipple twerky. Poor cunts must have needed a bucket of Ventolin all the heavy breathing they were at, even BEFORE the ride. Speaking of which, the Gardai were presumably taking the shell of the car away, and the grey transit rocking away with beside them.

Best part was no one ever explained that the Gardai would take the car away, I just presumed this. Post adrenaline fuck Dan looked out the window of the van and Carol asked was it fully burnt out, Dan replied yes and then, then we were shown this:

There actually is no need for words. They just let the world believe that the car was this burnt out. Not ABLE for Fair City. Not, able........

It's NOT about the shop lads!

Christy and the never make the fuckin decision family.

The hard truth of living with a stroke - poor Christy going through the 'I think people are decks, wikki wikki REMIX' phase. So, so sad :( :(

The fight over Christy is alive and well. And it's NOT about the shop OK! No, in no way is it about the shop like.........
Except it's totally about the shop. Farrah is leaving, she's staying, she's leaving, she's staying. All the while her husband is sent out of the room with promise of pints later while giving stank eye to Christy.
Sean finally decided to have a massive go at poor strokey Christy, but how long will that last? In a few years, when Ireland is ready, we will learn that these two were in fact bum chums all along and each row was punctuated with epic make up sodomy.

Niamh leaves Paul!!

Once again Fair City know how illicit lovers speak to each other - back to back. I know if I was in my local Spar speaking to the dude I was tippin on the side I'd stand weirdly back to back and have a 5 minute conversation. And I KNOW if I was to see a pair having this kind of conversation my first thought would be 'Ah, nothing to see there! Just people who know each other not talking to each other over there!' Cause that's more inconspicuous than just fucking talking to each other.
Niamh has finally decided to bite the bullet and leave eggy headed Paul. And oh yeah, take his kids with her. Yes, she has raised them and rightfully is their mother. However, her just taking the kids without presuming anyone was going to do the whole 'You're not the mother' thing coming up if laughable.
Micheal is more than delighted about his new role as baby daddy to 2 girls. He tells Niamh "I've got stuff in for Rachel" like what? What kind of 'stuff' do you buy in for a teenager? One Direction posters and tampons? Also more than a little creepy that Rachel has a horn for her new step Daddy. Nice that both her and her mother have something in common though! You know, the fact that they both fap over Michael :) Sharing is caring Niamh!

Fair City must be ragin at the price of all the new clothes they have to buy Niamh! She gets smaller by the episode. Flat out riding

Other news:

Carol loves to flick her hair and look at everyone's forehead during conversations

Wayne referred to his own child as it. Plus, it's name is fucking Junior. Peter Andre would be delighted







Don't worry Wayne - this is the exact same reaction everyone has when they have to see Orla's vagina

Everyone pretending they gave a flying fuck about dead Blacky Connors

AND Sean always looks like he just got out of bed.........( With Christy, shhhhhhhhhhhhh)