Quiffs, pornos and epileptics!

Carol is making a hard play to keep her man. For all of you out there who want to know how to keep the spark alive in a relationship spanning a whole year - here are her top "keeping yo man" tips.

1. Put in a massive quiff  (Yes, QUIFF). I suppose the height of the hair is supposed to remind your man of the height of his erection - so get em up girls.......
2. Chew gum. There is nothing sexier than a slack jawed, slurping, middle aged skanger. She likes to keep her mouth fresh for the fellatio, working the jaw muscles at all times. Remember to slurp it it as you speak! (The gum AND the cum)
3. Face painting. As much eyeliner as possible, LOADS of blusher and you just go ahead and paint a lovely red circle around that blow job apparatus you call a mouth. Draws attention to the mouth. Your dirty, dirty, whorish mouth..........
4. Spread them whenever, where ever. If you can get him to bone that quiff outta your hair on the couch in the middle of the afternoon - you do that. 

Louis, Bob, Ingrid, Renee, Carol - this whole thing, eugh, I don't know. The story is Louis and Bob hate each other. Bob and Renee might get back together. Carol and Ingrid hate each other because Carol knows Ingrid has the horn for Louis and, well, Ingrid has the horn for Louis. Also, that Ingrid wears an unholy amount of highligher and bronzer..........

REALLY glad Renee is back. Sad that she started doing her roots. REALLY REALLY glad that she is back selling wines. That is exactly the same thing Bob was doing a few years ago - you watch, she'll be trying to sell Bulgarian apartments followed by a brief stint as a homeless person and the newest owner of the Hungry Pig with a crazy need for revenge against Louis. Sometimes I think FC should be called Deja Vu.......... 

Delores is the most reactive actress ever. Every line that she is not saying she reacts to - her favourite moves are the eyebrow raise/lip pout combo and the lip bite. She's like a one woman mime. She's gone into over drive with the whole Lucy situation - she looks like an epileptic playing video games, under a fluorescent light in a club.

And as for poor, demented, crazy jaws Lucy. So revelation of the week - it wasn't her who had to cornea transplant - it was her mother!!! Dun, dun duuuuuuuun!! Her defence is that she never actually said that she was the one who received the transplant. Oh how I wish I could watch look back and see if this is true. I may be wrong here but I am calling bullshit on that one. Bitch SAID he had the transplant, I'm sure of it! But instead of, you know, bothering their holes with previous episodes - they are gonna just go ahead and say she never said it, because, you know, fuck it. Although I may be wrong - Fair City is the ULTIMATE in long, drawn out storylines.

Alsom Dermotsch is FAR too open with his son - Ben wants to stay up late and Dermotsch's reason to not let him is "Daddy time" "Daddy time is when Daddy might want to watch a more grown up movie" We ALL know what that means Dermot! Ya DURT. You should not be telling your 6 year old child this. Maybe his imagination doesn't yet conjure up images of Dermot having a posh wank on the couch while watching Dude, Where' my Dildo, The Dark Knob Rises  or his personal favourite, Mary Popitintheanus - but it will!

Cass

Move over 50 Shades of Grey - the most erotic words ever written were brought to life on last week.

Picture the scene:

Fearing for his life, undergoing a string of complicated cardiac tests, the sexgod that is Cass is finally told that he will have to have an angiogram.

Now add Marks n Spensers music.......

'We insert a catheter through your groin' 

Ohhh, yeah........

'Someone will be up to shave you' 

THAT'S the stuff.......... There is no image more divine than the thought of  Cass having his little balleens shaved. mmmmmmmm. Also, said balleens are tantalisingly close to being on show - in his sexy little nightgown. Not enough people wear nightgowns, but thankfully Cass the clothes horse is doing all he can for the cause. Cass is both a clothes horse and HUNG like a horse. True story - you can see his bell end swinging just below the bottom of his nightgown. 

Lucy is balls out crazy. Basically everyone who speaks to Delores is on her hit list. Neil's turn now. I'm not sure what she is trying to achieve, but she is trying to get Rachel Brennan to perv on him, and then telling people that he was smoking joints in front of the kids. Pretending she's getting prank calls and getting Bob in on her lies. The thing is - get the fuck oooonnnn with it already. Fair City just love slow burners like this. It's already going on and on and on and on and on and on. So far Lucy is getting on great in her quest - whatever the fuck it is. Obviously she's obsessed with Delores - but IS it in a tuna bumpin way? Is it for the want of mothering? Does she just love being a weirdo? The fuck?

Then, it turns out that Charlotte only acts like an asshole because no one fancies her. Eh, then stop being so fucking ugly! Also, you're basically a pack of gyppos, find an attractive cousin like any good mink and be done with it. Other news - I think she is sterile, this is the kind of thing Darwin wrote about, this is for the greater good. I am not usually in the corner for childhood cancer - but in this case GO CANCER!!  

JOE'S back!!!! I love her and I have missed her dearly. It also means that we get more screen time with the delightful little gobshite that is their son. This is a kid who is fast losing their kid cuteness, but still playing a really young child. The little tardo wants the parents to get back together. When what I really want is for Dermtsch to get that svelte new figure out there and let the primary teacher sit on it! 

THALIDOMIDE MAN TO THE RESCUE

DAMN - I miss David :(

I KNOW HER!!!

Just realised I can see loads of shit on my blogger wall about who reads this shite (shame on you all) and for some reason this page is the one people most read, for whatever reason, google searched and the like I suppose, - which is disappointing as it's one of the shittiest. Read Any of the newer stuff or HERE or THIS or even THAT. Thank's for reading though....... 



Ben's primary school teacher. I know her..........

Well, I know OF her - she is from Ballina and her sister taught me for 3 years in primary school. 

Fair City is now a kind of parallel universe to my very own life. Clearly I am Ben, only the opposite. He's a boy, I'm a girl. He's fair haired, I'm dark. He is a child, I am an adult. He's an annoying little fuckwit with a part time job as a McDonalds eating Daddy's boy. I am an, eh...... unannoying fuckwit, with a full-time job, and eh k I have to work on the details.......... I'm hoping the opposites stop when Ben's teacher starts riding Ben's dad.

Louis kids and ex wife have now moved to Carrigstown. Fine American accents on them. They went to all the hassle to pick kids which actually do look like they could have grown up in America - only to give them big buffer accents. Also, those kids love complaining.

And for realz, do we still fucking have to listen to the whole Louis/Bob feud. Cause it's more than fucking boring. We get it, we get it, you hate each other. Now fuck off the pair of ye. Except Bob, he's hilarious when he's acting the bollox, I just don't get why it only has to be toward Louis these days. Fucking heartbreaking that is.

Lucy is becoming a bigger freak by the minute - she has succeeded in running Pete away. It's obvious that Delores is changing her mind about her. Delores is the kind of actress who clearly reads a few pages ahead in a script - and likes to show whats coming next (Ah, remember when she was foaming at the "Australian mouth" for Fr. Thaddeaus? Fist biting little missy........... She's like a spoiler alert all by herself that one)

Bitches be CRAZY......

Sadly watching Fair City is taking a backseat due to my new job. But when I do get to watch it I am REALLY enjoying the utter shite they are sharting out there. Let's start with the whole 'women are psycho' thing. There are a few too many crazy bitches rolling round. The 2 main ones are Charlotte and Lucy.

Lucy, Wayne's anorexic, feltch-mouthed girlfriend. First, her introduction is fucked up. She has Jessica Molloy's freaking eyes. Yes - she was given Jessica's cornea's after the toddler died tragically due to a yolks related mishap. Fucking toddler druggies - the worst kind, ya wake up in the morning liga crumbs all over the shop, nappies thrown to the side from them and their random druggy baby lovers, soothers chewed down to nubs......

So she has Jessica's eyes - what's the most obvious next step? A heartfelt letter thanking the mother of the donor? Maybe, just not snazzy enough! A meeting with the donor family? Almost!!! I KNOW - LET'S FUCKING MOVE IN! In fairness, Delores is to Carrigstown as Irene is to Summer Bay, and is well known in her young girl hoarding exploits, but sure SHE can see the fucking oddness of this. I know someone who had a transplant, and well, let's just say there is no way in hell I can see him packing up his bags and landing on the door of the donors family saying 'HONEY I'M HOME'

But she did. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong ( I have missed a lot) but is her only 'dark past' that she spent some time in a mental home? You'll have to work a BIT harder Fair City. Do you KNOW how many people have spent time in space cadet camp? LOTS. Only the other day I was waiting on my lift from work only to have an elderly man in a pair of slippers scream at me from across the street. He was looking for Declan - I was not Declan, hope Declan turned up. Aw, I just realised Declan is totally dead........ 

And it's just not explained well either. Why is she with Wayne even though she never liked him at first and was creaming over Damian. Is it to get closer to Delores? And if that is the case......WHY?!?! you creepy fucker? I mean, we all know that Delores has an unmissable sexual prowess, hell I've often fantasised about some day seductively locking the door to the charity shop and just getting down right lesbionic on a second hand chaise longue but CONTROL yourself woman! In keeping with her Delores obsession, Lucy has now decided she hates Olly Murs Pete. I'd watch out Olly Murs  Pete!!! She could ruin your failing pop career  thriving handiman business with her loony ways!!!!

If I had to pick between Damian and Wayne like Lucy did I'd wonder who I'd chose? Voluptuous, hands in the pocket-shuffling Damian, or floppy haired, does the voiceovers for everything on the radio Wayne? Think I'd have a Waymian sandwish, wonder where Damian puts his hands when he has no pockets? 

The other psycho is Charlotte. Now we all know that teenagers are cunts. It's in their nature. All they do is be cunts, act like gobshites, complain, hump each other, have spots and get drunk. ( SO glad I'm no longer a teenager, my life has come a long way............) Well this one is the cuntiest of cunts. They are kind of depicting a kind of teenage girl relationship which DOES exist (2 friends who actually hate each other but are 'best friends') But neither actress seem to pull it off. All the scenes for the teenagers smack ( OH YEAH, going hibrow here!) of a a group of writers who really haven't a clue about teenagers. A case if 'let's put them in going out clothes, give them fake ID's and send them to a party. that's what the young 'uns do right?'. No thought for the fact that they went to a party in one of the busiest pubs in town. No thought for the fact that they were sat in a pub where the STAFF knew them. No thought for the fact that Greham's hair was ENOUGH to get them barred for life?

 

Not many haircuts need 2 pictures to show their glory. It's like mullet that got lost. Fucking idiot. This hair actually offends me. This little twat bag wants people's eyes raped every time we view him. It's in fact so offensive that it took me a few views to realise that he was even ginger - AHHHHHH Now I see what you did there Greham! DISTRACT THEM - A gingers best ally!! Still, Greham, fuck you.

Charlotte and Rachel have now moved on to the 'sexual awakening', 'bush lushing', 'fucking annoying' stage of puberty. I know I have in the past alluded to the fact that it would be hilarious for Rachel and Charlies grandson to bone - but that was only funny when they were 12. She is 16/17 now and salami sitting is a possibility. Except for the fact that you can TELL the actress is a little bit mortified in case people think she really is a bit of a smelly hooker child. 

But how is Charlotte a freek?

•  Charlotte pipped Rachel to the cock, and had a good auld go of Greham first. Wonder if he styles his pubes in the same way??? The little tramp of an actress basically admitted to giving him a blow job. Rachel giggled (cause she didn't know it was studly Greham), while you could see the actress who played her die a little inside, safe in the knowledge that her granny would be watching later..........
• She is part of the Bishop gang. Things like being part of a terrorist style kidnap/interrogation of Caoimhe Dillon. (Was great! Bag on the head, arms tied up, little bit of water torture - granny in the background, just like they do it in Iraq........)
• Kind of being in love with Paul there for a while - although, who can blame her? I mean we all love eggs, who DOESN'T love a man with an egg shaped head?
• Being a devious little shit constantly working in the background to ruin Rachel's happiness, out of sheer jealousy.

What is to happen to the two crazy bitches? I would predict, but fuck you Fair City I could also see them completely forgetting about their craziness altogether.............

Duh DAAAAAAA

Never have I hated a teenager as much as I do Rachel Brennan, I mean Christina Ricci came close enough when she got the ghoul in Casper, but no, Rachel takes the biscuit.

Reasons? Oh, I'll give you reasons

Her Billy Barry demeanour - The most kickable face in the world. Scrunched, caring and thoroughly fucking sickening. Her voice - okay SERIOUSLY beure - pick an accent - skanger or D4. Do NOT go between them - you are NOT Charlie, and don't think your ever going to replace him in all his beaver moistening splendour.

EVER

Her fucking love of people/the planet - look your a teenager, you are meant to be sharing fags between 8 people and getting fingered by lanky, spotty lads in lanes, you are not meant to be up all night making Christmas fucking baubles for dead beures.You are meant to hold grudges for endless amounts of time, you are not meant to be a benevolent beacon of righteousness.

Stop being a self righteous little prick and act like a teenager. 

You little cunt.......

Speaking of benevolent beacons of righteousness - remember when Barry killed Sarah and Paul and Niamh found it in their hearts to reach out and forgive him - to be his hope in bad times? They showed such strength of character to be able to see through the crime, and really see the man.

BUT SHOPLIFTING - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO YOU DIDN"T

Clearly, there is no crime more heinous, no deceit more unforgivable, no evil more complete than a shoplifter. Oh Orla - you evil bastard, I mean if you had KILLED some one - we'd all understand, but this. FOR SHAME

And it's not just the droolsome twosome leaving 5 fingered discount Orla to wallow in her self made bed of LIES - this one os losing friends left right and centre.

Clearly shopfliting is to crime as cunt is to the English language............

Long overdue update

Topics to be dealt with

• Sarah's death

Remember a few months ago and there was that WHOLE death by table phase? Well poor cat arse mouthed Sarah O'Leary was one of those unlucky few, or not so few as Fair City would have it. 

The whole murder was dealt with in true Fair City style - hilariously and unbelievably. 

And what made it so hilarious?

1. The fact that the bag Denzo Bishop threw away caused scutter to back up the WHOLE of the street. That's funny - the fact that the handi-capable bastard didn't even THINK the two were connected - FC hilarious. Big props to Barry and Denzo for the Mission Impossible style BAMBOOZLING of the Dublin Co. Council in order to retrieve the bag. Nice one lads. (Try to not get the Mission Impossible music in your head now)
2. The fight scene with Decco Bishop, that 'skanger' who tried to shoot him and Barry. I mean WOWZA. I seriously stared at the screen in utter amazement at this one. (Partly because the episode in itself didn't suck - I liked it in an entertainment way, NOT just a ha ha ha hilarious Fair City way) WHY would Barry throw himself in front of a gun aimed at Decco? Fuck knows. I guess it's a mix between kinda wanting to die what with all the killing of a close friend. And possibly a LOT to do with trying to impress Vivienne to get a go at her roomy, gyppo producing pink sink again. Even though he already had full use of aforementioned sink...... 
3. Sarah's whorish mother flapping her middle aged flaps around. Yup - Sarah's mother is a big ol' whore. First she tried Barry. No joy. Then she tried Bob. JACKPOT. Lots of middle-aged canoodling, shifting and riding. The odd need for a tissue......... And then she might gieve for a moment, or not. Depends.
4. The ridiculous funeral in the park. Or 'memorial'. 

• Barry's incarceration

The words 'You can't handle the truth' were ALMOST uttered during the interrogation of Barry. It was just SO American/CSI/good cop bad cop. Also, WHY was Inspector Deegan SO sure that Barry didn't move the body alone?  Cause Denzo moved it alone. And even though Denzy DID go on that run with Mark - I don't see him as strong man of the year. Not that I want to point out a hole in the whole story like...

During the filming of the jail scenes, well if there wasn't just the BEST camera work in the world! I have never previously felt the need to see up Vivienne's flared nostril - but I am SO glad I got to! I think maybe the camera angles were meant to reinforce her anger, anguish etc. All the reinforcing that was needed was on her chair. Camera close ups, slow panning. It was cinamatography at its best.

Was Barry sorry about murdering Sarah? Eh, ah.... Not quite. He was more bothered that people now thought badly of him. He wanted everyone to understand that it was an accident. Yup - I mean I'm forever waking up in the Dublin/Wicklow mountains in a shallow grave thinking gosh darn it - it happened again Oh ha ha ha. Accidents happen!!!!

• Carol/Louis/Christy/Jack

Carol was riding Louis and Christy at the same time. Carol found out she was pregnant. Your basic whodunnit of spunk and ovaries. Well, it turns out Louis done it. Rendering the whole story line reduntant. Unless you call 'Oh there for a second I thought something, no wait, it's grand, sorted now' story lines interesting. People complain that soaps aren't like real life - it's kinda the point. You want to watch parents get their kids ready for school? You want to watch old ladies blow their nose? Nope - you watch soaps cause SOMETHING happens. And the Carol and Louis story line seemed as though was going one place - Christy being the baby daddy. Surely, this was the only reason they were continuing on with this particular love triangle after flogging it already for so many months? Nope. Fair City likes to dick with you sometimes.

• Jo/Dermotschhh/Tommy/Judith

Jo and Tommy are on and off each other like a seesaw. However, after the Ploughing Championships it's looking like the end of the road for these star crossed lovers. Because Jo found out Tommy had done the dirt on Judith before. To be fair Jo - your bucking a man who, although married for 20 odd years, was MAD to wear you as a scarf. Does that not tell you anything about him? Also, to make things far more interesting - the woman in question was none other than Harry Molloy's old vag on the side! The one with the mole from the Barry's tea add! Love when FC feign consistency. Consistency would be more like making Charley speak in ONE accent - not two. Consistency is NOT bring back an actress as a serial mistress. Although I truly am looking forward to her return. I see great craic ahead. Also, I'm hoping that if Judith gets 8% more surprised her little goggly eyeballs will just POP - straight out.

• Rachel

You are a gimp. I know this is just a child. I don't care. She makes my blood boil and my eyeballs bleed. Her over acting makes me vomit. Her over acting which really just involves throwing in the odd skanger accented word in with her Billy Barry Kid whiney D4 voice. Oh, and by furrowing her brow. Nothing says thoughtful, emotional yet mature teenager more than a furrowed brow. 

Fuck off Rachel.