Craic in Carrigstown

Slap happy Suzanne is back, head full of therapy and a dripin crotch for Damian it would seem. As soon as she was back, she decides to go after poor, poor sexy Bela. I mean the CHEEK. He may have thrown his sausage in as many crevices as he could find in his day - but he never raised one sexy finger in the direction of any of his childer :o That cunt. She'll get her comeuppance that one, even her tuna bumpin sister has decided to turn her back on her. 

Bob is slowly turning into ubervillain, weaving his special brand of suave, sophisticated, posh evil around the town. He'll be wearing a cloak and twirling his tash soon, all the while thinking up dastardly ways to get back at the people of Carrigstown. For reasons, kinda unknown. Yeah, they all let him get homeless and shit. But that was mainly cause he was kind of a prick of a homeless man. Stealing the money collected for Charlotte, and other acts of general cuntishness. This week saw him enjoying a meal alone in his new abode, while drinking a glass of wine and listening to "That's Life" and smiling to himself. Smiling to himself.... He even 'cheers'd' himself. I mean, are you fucking for real Fair City? Bond villain it is then.......

(I guess the money is to be spent on MORE snazzy wigs....)

I feel so sorry for poor Decco Bishop. He's got a raging horn for toothy skeletor Caoimhe Dillion, but she's far too busy trying to get her leg over Dean. Who is clearly mad about her...ahem.

Speaking of the Dillion sisters. Jeez, these girls like their peen. Neassa was rocking Turlough's wheelchair, Dearbhla is going all goth for Phillip and Caoimhe is juggling Dean and Decco. Even their hot little brother was sniffing around Rachel. 

I've got them sisters sussed though. Neassa is meant to be the hot ditzy one, but with a deep inner person that needed the love of a great man, Turlough, to finally shine through.

Caoimhe's the quirky, fun, independant one. HOWEVER, she seems independent, but underneath it all she has a craving to be loved, and will do anything for the man she loves. Oh, she's intelligent, but she left college. Sometime soon she will realise her life's ambition to return to medicine.

Whereas Dearbhla, well, I believe her to be the whore of the family. There is always one. She'll be wearing Philip as a hat in no time.

Love connections??

This is just horny guess work on my (and Claire's) part. But I believe that

THIS sexy budda of sexiness

Will soon have carnal knowledge of
THIS sexy tramp siren

My loins are sizzling at the thought....

Craic

The whirlwind romance of Nessa and Turlough came to a fairly abrupt stop last week when the Tempting Turlough decided Nessa was all he needed in order to make his legs work again.
Fair City need to pass on that information to hospitals or something - You CAN walk again, all you need to do it get hole from someone much younger than you with crooked eyes and a pretty constant squinty, crying face. Feck years of painful rehab - buck a tramp. Hmm, maybe I should get that trademarked.....

Anyway, back to Turlough's death. So, 3 weeks into one of the most ill matched but intense relationships in Fair City history, Turlough decided to propose to Nessa - AND to just, you know, get the fuck up from his wheelchair and walk about. He then proceeded to dive head first into a table. A glass table. A glass table which was put there just for him to kill himself on. Yes, KILL himself on a TABLE. He was killed by a table.
Watching Nessa try to comfort him in his last moments was hilarious - owing to the fact that that the actress seemed pretty unwilling to touch any of the fake blood. And, for all the romantic build up of the most intense of all intense relationships - she did NOT want to touch him. And who could blame her, the greasy unwashed beardy yolk. He just looked like he doesn't wash.

Elsewhere - Christie's an odd one. He finds out his wife to be - skanky ho Carol, is bucking slimy Louis. So, obviously his next move should be to let her at it and fuck off to Bahamas or Bermuda or where ever. And was it difficult for Christie to fond out about the pairs shenigans? Was it fuck - they basically run around the pub fiddling with each others genitals in front of everyone. Not a care in the world. Carol even got a jujji new fringe, and one can only presume that it so that Louis had a better view when she was blowing him.

Also Louis's ex- wife is back, looking for money cause of some uninteresting story we will have to hear about for the next 6 weeks, minimum. To get the money he's selling his properties, some of his properties. Why does Louis have to own everything in the town? Pub, Bistro, Hungry Pig, Carols vagina AND the shop.

BATINGS

There is nothing funny about domestic violence. Except of course when it's on Fair City.

Only a few years ago wife beating was RIFE in the Halpin household. Mr. Halpin loved nothing better than a bitta wife murdering before the soaps of an evening. Mrs. Halpins death itself was a landmark in hilarity.

"NO, MARTY NO!!!!! Ugh...." Dead. Her leg twitching, hanging over the doorway to the kitchen. Oh how we laughed......

Now the tables are turned, and young Mister Halpin, Damian, is getting batings from the wife.
His wife who, up until about 5 weeks ago, was just the nicest person ever. Running round all over town getting shiz fixed for stroke victims all over Ireland. Working hard and helping 'Da' (AKA sexified Bela 'The Stump' Doyle) She also had a great thing going with her side job as a donkey impersonator. (Yeah, she LOOKS like a donkey)

Then, he went and bucked someone else :o THAT BASTARD. Time to beat the shite out of him!!!
With a snooker cue
Or an iron
Or a shovel
YAY, bating for Damian, fun for the donkey. Hee HAW

"STOP MAKING ME DO THIS DAMIAN" *whack*

"YOU FAT USELESS LUMP" *sizzle*

"MAKE ME PREGNANT" *cream*

Suzanne giving Damian a bit of a batter with the fire shovel. Gwan, give it to him. Mmmm, Damian looks sexy doesn't he? Slurp

The best part about Damian's batings is execution. I can only presume that only the best of the best stunt and fight coordinators were used in the filming of the scenes. That Damian cowers like a pro.

Tonight it made a turn for the unexpected as Suzanne burned HERSELF with a lighter :o Crazy little bitch that she is. In order to feign victim to Bela "The Stump".

Elsewhere, not fucking much else is happening. Fair City like to really hold onto a storyline and not let go. So basically our Fair City inhabitants are all stood outside Damian and Suzanne's with their lil old glass to the wall listening to the bating and chatting about it.

Last week of course there was the swingers "mix- up" with Dermot and Jo and The new Doctor who used to be in Upwardly Mobile and her husband, possible one of the worst actors I have ever seen. He makes Rita look like an Oscar winner. Anyway, a series of mishaps led Dermot and Jo to believe that the new hot couple round town were mad for their genitals. Oh, hilarity ensued. Eventually they all sorted it out and had a big old laugh about it. Then they all went back to Dermot's, lubed up and bucked all over the shop. I presume.

What is WITH Zumo's mother?

She births a football team's worth of nacks, leaves them in Carrigstown.

Then when she returns she's all about the poshness, like she has NOTHING to do with "their sort".

I just don't get it. I hope either she's a reformed tramp or back in the day had a penchant for riding tramps, cause the only other explaination is that she's dragging round a tramp producing vagina.

More from Carrigstown

Louie's going to ride Susanne, even though she's married and he used to buck her sister.....

Jo and Dermot are fostering the worlds most depressed Emo.But it's ok, Dermot made happy with an icecream and a threat "Eat your bribe quick!!", possibly practice for something else? Next time Dermots cock? Mr. I <3 Black is gonna enter this Talent show - special talent cutting himself

Robert the bucket is STILL trying to get over the death of Cleo's mother - who he knew for 5 mins. He's now entering the talent show along with Emo kid. Special talent - stand up comedy.... riiiiiiiiiiight.......


In yesterdays update I went on about how confused I was with the whole Carol/Wayne/Shampoo thing. Today I am relieved to say I am no longer confused. Fair City - I love you soooooooo much more now. The whole debacle was in fact just an enormous ginger jibe!!!! No fucking kidding.

Mina from Glenroe was covering her hair in a chemo rag cause the shampoo turned her hair GINGER!!!!
And lil Benjamen Fahy played a BLINDER, when he pointed at her, laughed and said "Ha ha ha ORANGE"

EXCELLENT Fair City EXCELLENT. I must say I do love a good ginger joke.....

YAY - A ginger joke....

HA - An even better ginger joke!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO

Loooooooong over due update on Fair City

The craic around town is:

Bob being unemployment and homeless - This is hilarious, he's even living in the infamous "Shelter", eating leftovers, stealing outta bins the whole shibang. Although on the plus side Bob is the worlds poshest, most dashing hobo. Catch him robbing people's leftovers and expect to find a man weeping in remorse and shame? Nope - not a chance. Head held high - "just clearing up"... Are ya fucking well? Go get a job ya lazy fuck.

Sarah and the apartment - I have no idea what this Sarah one is. I think if I cast my mind back she used to be a trust fund baby, living on Daddy's money. Followed by a stint as a teacher. And in the great footsteps Barry O'Hanlon before her - she turned her back on teaching for a life as a fearless journalist. Now she's working in Rainbows or whatever it's called now. But she owns a house...... I dunno. What I DO know is that she is looking R.O.U.G.H, or more specifically she's looking RUFF. I'm thinking she's a craic addict and on the game.

Jo being a bitch - honest to God this one is a fecking wagon. On her CV it must say - special skills: Having bad hair and being a thundering cunt, also have a special interest in referring to loved ones through patronising nicknames, petal; love; chicken etc. She's frolicking around the community centre and in the second hand shop pretending she gives a shite about helping people when in actual fact she just likes to be in a public position so she can show off her expertise in being a loudmouth, argumentative, shrill voiced bollox.

Carol and the shampoo and Wayne. I don't even know where to begin here. So Wayne is selling shampoo - only he has no shampoo, so he fills the bottles with cheap shampoo???? Cause obviously he'd have the empty bottles hanging round for no reason....... (Ah HA bet you didn't think I'd find the loophole in THAT one Fair City did ya???) This shampoo then in turn causes serious reactions in the people using it. Cause we all know that using the Dunnes own brand shampoo will lead to hairloss, open wounds and all the rest. Hmmmm. Oh the hilariousness of these lot and their shenanigans.......

Cleo and the dead mother and her weirdo boyfriend. So, Cleo really knows how to pick them...... Remember Pierce? Yeah, that went well. So she's decided hey!! Who needs men? I'm gonna go out with a bucket. So she did and his name is Robert. As a bucket it's difficult for Robert to deal with problems, problems such as Cleo not wanting to meet her mother. What's the solution? Sit him down and say "Please Robert, I can't do that"? No. Explain the reasoning behind the love loss between mother and daughter? No. Ask Delores to intervene and explain the severity of the situation? No. Use your old friend and part time stripper as a fake mother. An old friend you met on the streets back in the days you used to sell your fanny for fags? YES!!!!!!! Oh, but not only that - how about going as far out as to kill off mother replacement. Without even telling the replacement (who's still running all over Carrigstown), and filling her urn with fag butts from McCoys and attending a fake funeral. Yup - that's the way to go. i see nothing but blue skies ahead for these two

Rachel and TJ - A prediction: Rachel will very soon be wearing her knickers round her ankles and getting knocked up by TJ. True. I miss his mullet though.......

And my favourite - Mina from Glenroe turning up with a wig, great craic!!!!