The Dolphin Pod

Aftermath of the car crash, is, eh, confusing to say the least. I missed a bit.... But car accident happened, little annoyance Ben almost died, got better/ Doctors found terminal/serious illness, then Jo and Dermotsch split up because Ben has to live in America now or else he'll die? Eh? Yeah, that seems about right. Dermot is never allowed go see them? Wtf? I'll have to keep watchin to make sense of that shite.....

Niamh and Paul like a married couple without the sex.
So exactly like a married couple WHA?
As far as I can see the scriptwriters had a bad bout of alzheimer's and forgot the whole split up storyline? They are just back together. No trust issues, no leftover feelings of resentment. Just her living at his, pretending they're not together while spending all their time together, bringing up kids in the same house together, getting the shift, drinking together..........

Paul's never comfortable unless it's a mouthful of red carpet

Other couples news, Orla and Wayne - split up already. You hate each other. Genuinely hate each other. From poking around on spoiler sites, it looks like Orla is about to break out the old Cosmo-inspired relationship move of making Wayne jealous. By having Tommy around loads. You know Tommy? The man who got her pregnant just before he went mental and before her and Wayne decided to pretend they baby was Wayne's. In itself the old jealousy tactic is a fabulous relationship tool. Particularly great in this case. Who's relationship WOULDN'T be strengthened by the presence of the real babydaddy? I see great things ahead!!!

And let's just talk about The Dolphin Pod.
Are you actually fucking serious? Those of us particularly older FC fans will remember the good old days of Blue Dolphin. A busy, fast paced business/wife swapping operation owned by Paul, Niamh, Nicola and, eh, I can't remember his name - that sleezy fucker, Donal maybe? Like a wrinkly leather handbag? Got the ride from Nicola's sister when Nicola (who he was with at the time) was busy off getting her Chemo on. THAT Blue Dolphin.
The old times have found reminiscent fame in the form of 'The Dolphin Pod'
What is this? Well, should you find yourself an 18 year old, just out of Leaving Cert, with too little points for Teaching - off you pop on holidays, get yourself a lovely business minded boyfriend, a fringed brown suede jacket and open up a hostel. This can actually all be done in a month you know. That's from day of shitty results through to thriving business. A month. A beautiful Dublin property, fully furnished and sleek. Ran by an 18 year old, who has a week in a Business course under her belt...........
Remember that the fringe jacket is essential. This is to impress upon the world that you are no longer a girl, but a sex having woman!!!

Rachel!! Just let him borrow it already!!!! Thick bitch she is

In other 'Arra sure fuck it, just drop the storyline in to fuck no matter if it fits or makes sense' news: Laura's lesbian lover (when you say that, FC are letting you practice your cunnilingus skills, so listen up you tuna bumpers!!!) Nina has ACTUALLY been in a relationship with long lost Bishop Sash for THRESS YEARS. A lot od which Sash has been in prison for. I mean I swear to fuck. The coincidence of it all would turn ya mental. Sash was a Bishop, went off to prison (aka actress got herself all preggo and whatnot) Nina sniffs around Carrigstown for a gritty family story, and accidentally ends up sniffing Laura's gritty vagina. Love blossoms. How Nina, never before seen in Carrigstown just happened to be in a relationship in the first place with someone from the same village, never mind the cousin of her newest little friend. In fairness, I loved Sash and all her pyjama wearing hilarity.

Extended maternity leave is up lads!!! Make way for Sash's return!!!!

CAR CRASH TV

See what I did there? ACTUAL car crash on the car crash TV

WONDERFUL

Ben, Dermot and Bob got injured in a surprisingly not utterly shit episode.

Ben almost died because...... Ugh, where do I even start? Ah, from the ride, sure why not!

Ben was the result of his original Mam getting the ride on a married man, I'm not even sure which married man. I think possibly it was (wait for it......) Renee's adopted daughter's husband the doctor? Remember her? Heather, the one that rode her brother Floyd? I know, I know, SUCH a feckin cliche!!!
She didn't want her lil sex trophie, so gave it to the barren from utter bitchiness Jo. Jo and Dermotsch raise child as their own, annoying little flute.
The original Mam, Mayo Deirdre, came back a few years later and kidnapped him, but gave him back. I'd have returned the annoying little shit myself to be honest. Five minutes of his gammy little accent and I'd be looking for childhood euthanasia. Smarmy litte shit.

The Offensive Little Cunt

She clearly went demented again and forgot how annoying he was and is back for custody. War war war!!!! Jo tutting and clucking away, Dermotsch squinting his little beady eyes all over the shop - all the normal shite. Solicitors, exclaimations of 'YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM' and 'YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MUM''s abound. Typical bollox.

Until now.........

A, frankly, fucking retarded mixup occurs when Jo and Dermot listen to the ramblings of their uber nosey, earwigging, half story listening foster child, to come to the conclusion that Deirdre was bringing Ben off to Australia when she was in fact just going to Mayo (You know they have no internet in Mayo? Just another up to date, awesome and totes legit issue Fair City is shining a light on.

The mixup lead to dramatic driving, close up shots of Dermotsch's face in the rear view mirror and then a genuinely exciting car crash scene with overturned car and dramatics and EVERYTHING.

Ah, then it got shite again. The TV Equivalent of shooting the load........ The cleanup is depressing and you've to pretend it's all just grand..........

Carraigstown bounded into action.
Guards!
Ambulance!
Dying 9 year olds!
Demands of neck braces and boards! (Because it must have been the fucking paramedics first day on the job, and before the doc gave them this advice they were actually wandering in with dildo's and doughnuts)

                                            Awkward time for Ben to have his first erection

Surprising heroes of the day? Hughie and Rachel's new genital smasher Philip! Side question - where did Hughie's alcoholism go? Last time he was a broken man, now he's back and functioning away. Impressive stuff. He's clearly now got money. It's that old saying tho, 'Give an alcoholic a pile of money, and he'll make a real serious go of it, and make good financial decisions' Way to stay true to life lads!

As good as Philip was at the accident, his "Bob's ankle is definitely broken" comment was a tad obvious. Really? Sure all he had was a car sitting on it? And sure the fire brigade lifted that like? Pssshhh, Bob, you playin!!! Pure compo, I'd have shaken that one off...........

SPEAKING of Philip and Rachel. The once timid school girl went on a post leaving cert trip, and came back a woman. A big, horny, mad for the ride woman. I just can't cope with this one. She annoys the bollox off me. In a show of shitty actors, she over acts, more than that, she over REacts. It's all mouth opening, eye bulging, actively watching.
Well she's off with Philip for a while. Good riddance. Wonder when she'll return? And in what state! Married? Preggo? Full of AIDS? Stay tuned!

Elsewhere:
Dan joined the wheelchair basketball team. I would have thought this would be like any basketball team, except in wheelchairs

FUCK NO!!
WE MUST BE THE BEST! TRAIN HARD! SERIOUS SHIT! NO MESSIN! GET BACK TRAINING! ONLY THE BEST SURVIVE!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

The most intense team and league in the world. Any chance Dan is going to ride his new coach? Ah no, sure they wouldn't be that obvious!!
(Insert image if her straddling his wheelchair here)

Carol, Dan and Robbie

Flip fucking flopping is all that's happening

Carol Fantastic Flaps is back boning Robbie, but pretending to Dan that she'll get moist in his hoist. Carol and Dan, Dan and Yvonne, Carol and Robbie, Carol and Dan, Carol and Robbie and Dan. My head hurts.

Dan practices sex acts on Carols bag in his quiet moments

Poor Dan is stuck in his rehab, knowing something is going on, unable to do anything about it, or investigate it. Thankfully Carol and Robbie help him out by SHIFTING OUTSIDE HIS HOSPITAL ROOM.

Then there is Bronagh. Dan's private nurse. I don't think she's meant to be a private nurse, but she spends her whole time with Dan and the majority of her time discussing his private life, with slight nods to his exercise and rehab. He's even asked her to spy on the ridey couple.
AND SHE WENT AND SPIED!
Seriously, think about it? You're in hospital for an extended time and you have an idea that the kinda girlfriend you may or may not have made up in your head is riding the dude she has form for riding. What should you do? Ask the nurse to head over to your "girlfriends" house to see if she can smell spunk in the air. Grand, no bother, no holes in that plot lads.

Bronagh wasn't in fact able to smell the heady scent of Robbies seed and they almost got away with their deception (Had Carol burped though........) The lovebirds were outed however, as Carol opened the door in her black silk robe (I presume black silk is perfect for spunk stains), tits out and a dishevelled Robbie emerging from her room.

So, everyone knows! Except Dan. Inexplicably, even though she went as far as to find out the truth for Dan, she decided he's better off not knowing. For actual fuck sake. And for the love of god can they not afford a uniform that fits the poor woman?

Relationship advice from the pros

Jo went to the most hilarious school reunion ever. Utter American cheesy bollox. Romy and Michelle style. Jo used to get bullied by the popular girl. Enter slender shoulders Dermotsche making up stories about owning a chain of restaurants and the like. Mean Girl #1's husband gets a little handsy with Jo and she catches him. What does she do? Piss her shite laughing with Jo about how they are all failures in life. Not a bother, cheaty husband, off ya go, we'll have the chat later, giggle giggle.

Cunt never takes off the flasher Mac either

Speaking of relationships - Fair City were out to give everyone relationship advice
First up Pete got advice from the new drunk doctor. Pete is finding it hard to tent pitch now that Dolores is receiving treatment for cancer. That's kinda fair enough. Fucking hard time that. Then the doctor gave him fairly good fucking advice too -  to tell Dolores the truth about his feelings about her and her cancer. Her reaction was to dump him and throw him out. Done. Moral of the story? Never tell your beure the truth damnit!

Then Doug and Amma. Doug has been trying to get his leg over Amma for some time now. Amma has been prick teasing poor Doug, hardcore friendzoning him. Doug pretended to have a date for valentines (he did, a date with a bottle of Durex Sweet Strawberry lube and Pornhub) and it got Amma all kinds of bothered. Sup boys - treat em mean, keep em keen. Man, I bet she'd be all fucking instructional riding him 'No Doug, I do not think that is correct. Please take that out of there' 'Yes Doug, please keep going, this is all very satisfactory and I think I might be about to experience the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension' (You'll need to mentally add Amma's voice to that......)

Ama leans in and whispers 'Fancy pegging?'

A journalist mysteriously shows up in town to do a piece on the Charity Shop. Man are charity shops fucking interesting. Fucking hell I love nothing more than a charity shop story. RAGIN she decided to go with the angle of  'Person in charity shop grows up not mental after Father kills mother then kills self' cause that's been done to death like! OH! And! The journalist - pure lesbian. Not that she's done anything inherently 'lesbian' yet - but lingering looks at Laura show you what's coming. (I dunno what's inherently lesbian in the Fair City world - Yvonne was a lesbian, so, eh maybe being a lesbian means sitting on a pile of dicks? Not sure, I'll ask) The journalist WAS meant to be doing a story on the charity shop - but then realised that this was THE Halpin family - of the murder suicide story. Oh, and the journalist just HAPPENED to be on the bridge the day Marty died............. Coincidences are strangely rife at times

Laura with her apprentice lesbian foundling. That's how it works yeah? Yeah. Foundling isn't getting ANYWHERE with those moves......

Damien never takes his bands out of his pocket. Never. What's he DOING in there? Bitta side wanking? Is side wanking a thing? It should be. If' I'd a dick I'd be side wanking all day long. I'd be a terrible human being as a man. Ball fondling must be so much fun.........

Charlotte is back and man she'll do anything to get the ride from Callum. She left Spain to come back and try and trick Callum into, I dunno, falling in love with her? She's going to be dangerous. Bit of a compulsive liar, and already killed her father (even if it WAS justified, this is a soap so she won't be allowed to do that and just live a normal life)

She needs to realise Callum is a teenage boy. She just needs to say 'Hey, fancy getting your dick wet?' and I'm 90% sure she'll get it.........

Charlotte shifts Callum as Decco looks on and considers furiously masterbating now, or later

Cha cha now y'all

Yvonne and Carol are in some weird game of swapsies over Dan.
That's how love works ya see. Partners are interchangeable dependant on circumstance. Can't be bothered going all the way to your boyfriends house? Well ex-bae is only 3 doors up.... Dump boyf for the afternoon, note to self to get him back when location changed, It's more convenient for Carol if Yvonne has Dan, so, she just gives him to her.

Since he came to Far City he flirted with both, decided on Carol. Threw her round on his cock for a while. They spilt after deciding they weren't right for each other, clearly the real love was between him an Yvonne. So off they went to have a happy life together. But a quick fling put paid to that. And Dan did (confusingly) seem to decide his love was with Carol.

Now that he's paralysed, well, basically Carol doesn't want him. Not even leaving it to a stressed out decision after months of being carer. Just a flat out, hands raised 'Nope! Not it!' While Yvonne is mentally fitting out her apartment for his wheelchair, pencil behind the ear, ready for the DIY.

Although Carol has no interest in him without the use of his cock legs, she is pretending to. So clearly she's a lovely lady. I suppose, for the foreseeable, we're just going to have to watch Carol wheeling him passive agressively wheeling him through the streets, while accidentally tipping ashes from her mouth set cigarette onto his poor little baldy head . Right little Florence Cuntingale.

Have you ever had that one friend you're always competing with? Maybe it's a sibling? You always have to get the last word in any argument. Nicola and Niamh are like that. Except it's less getting the last word in any argument, and more getting the last go of Paul's knob in their vagina. As soon as Nicola heard Paul was single, down she came (on his knob). Niamh is killed with jealousy but only because it's Nicola. Poor smug egg head Paul needs to be told neither of them give a flying fuck about him or his strangely conical shaped head.

And then Niamh decides to leave Michael! For what? Cause Rachel is pissy? Cause her and Paul are fighting? Maybe STOP FIGHTING with Paul over Nicola, instead of breaking up with the man you left your family for?! It doesn't even make any sense. Unless she was actively looking for the most stupidly selfless act? She'll achieve nothing bar a cobwebbed fanny from lack of action. Her and Paul are still separated. They still live separately. They kids will all still have to split their time between them.

Remember the drama of the missing Neil? Well in he walks. Not a fucking bother on him. In he walks into the shop where Doug was. Just one or two little plot holes there Fair City dude. How the fuck did he know where Doug was going to be? How did he afford the flight when all his shit was stolen? Why didn't he ring anyone at any stage to say he was coming home?

What level of hungover WERE you to think up this scenario. I think I can imagine the happenings:

"Hey, Mr. writer, we still have Neil missing, but the Dolores cancer storyline is happening?"
Writer lifts his wary head from the table, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels tipped beside him, part of a doner kebab on his face
"ugh srg, grumph....... just have him come back.......to...the, (yawn) shop....."
head back on desk.

SHOCKER - Morbeg Crowley has seen Neil between her postnatal fuelled departure!! More to be revealed, but I mentally inserted a montage of them in London, on the London Eye, picking George Clooney's nose in the Wax Museum, her jumping out from behind something in the London Dungeons and them having a great laugh about it.........

And poor Dolores has breast cancer. I would never make fun of cancer AHEM........ But Fair City does NOT like genitals or sexy bits. From Bella's suspected knob cancer, to Mr Piggot and Flyods separate demise from, again, knob cancer (Ah I know it was prostrate, but ffs, have you READ my shite - of course I'm going to take 'artistic' license) right up to Delores' diseased melons, it's not a good place to have male or female parts.

Let's just have a moments silence for Delores' boobs...........

Boob slap to the left....

 

Boob slap to the right.........

Take it back now Wayne!!!

EXPLOSION!! Or tripped switch? I dunno..........

So Morbeg Crowley and Pete's son is missing. A body was found in London that they have to go and identify. Forgetting Morbeg Crowley left the him as a fucking baby. She's about as qualified to identify him as I am. Spoiler, it's not him. Not that Morbeg Crowley fucking knew. Standing beside Pete crying, watching his reaction to the dead body, changing from nodding to shaking her head as she sees him realise it wasn't Neil.............

'Maybe put the body in a babygrow and I'll see the resemblance' 

Then poor hapless Doug thinks he's in a relationship with Ama. Ama looks positively fucking petrified every time it's mentioned that they might be together, while Doug clearly envisages an Officer and a Gentleman ending, Ama turning up to McCoys, sweeping him off his feet in her nurses uniform......

The truth about Nicola and her ex fiance 'Clar' is out. He didn't leave her, looks like she was on her way to get married, only to learn Paul was single again and turned on her heal straight back, foaming at the gusset for her much loved ex.

'Clar' returned to have it out with Nicola. Noncy bellend as expected. He left thinking Nicola was boning Paul, which they weren't, but got down to straight after he left. The weedy little runt left with his pride hurt, but his heart intact, leaving with the parting comment 'Stay out of Mallow'

OH NO!!!!! NOT BANNED FROM MALLOW! Poor Paul and Nicola's lives will be forever ruined.......

And the dramatic explosion in The Station......

Robbie is sick of Yvonne and Carol fighting so he locked them in the cellar of the station. Cause that's how you deal with problems, as if you're in a shite made-for-TV Lindsay Lohan movie.

They obviously go mental. But don't really bother bangin on the door much. Cause why would you bang on doors when you're trapped inside some place? That's just daft obviously. Nah, bitch and moan at each other and turn on a fan.

'I get claustrophobic' - Carol developed claustrophobia after giving birth to her never seen son Jack in the lift. Something which was never mentioned before, nor will it again. Her claustrophobia showed itself with her flinging shite around.

"I'm claustrophobic! Must fuck kegs across the room! Grr Arg!!!"

Gobshite. This resulted in her flinging a keg ala King Kong from Super Mario, which broke the gas pipe. Cut to regular dramatic views of said pipe and REALLY loud hissing noise. Robbie's plan does start to work a bit, bonding over Dan, slowly losing conscious due to the gas exposure, talking lower, and lower, heads falling.......

THEN! Yvonne wakes! MacGyvering the pipe fixed as a team! THEN they bang on the door. Help comes!!!!

In a flurry of activity they manage to escape, but Dan is left to turn off the gas pipe (from the mains. They basically wrote half the script from the Bord Gais ad), leading to what looked like the most dramatic tripped switch ever.

I was waiting on an explosion, but instead there was a teeny little spark and Dan was thrown across the room.

He might be dead. Or paralysed. OH FC's knocking on the irony door there! (Dan beat up a man who is now severely brain damaged, OH the hilarity irony can be! Alanis Morissette must have forgotten that verse)

Stay tuned!!!!!